I don't have words to really express how I feel right now. I am devestated and completely speechless. I don't know what I am ever going to do with myself. I don't know how I can wake up every day for the rest of my life without him. I lied when I said I was geting stronger. I am forever weak and pitiful. Without him in my life I will never be happy. Now that he is gone, now that I will never be able to touch his cheek or hold his hand, I am dead. My heart is no longer in existence. There is no God. There is no higher power. There is nothing but sadness.
I keep remembering him in the truck as he was driving away from me. He beeped his horn and gave me a wave. That beautiful smile that drove off was heart wrenching.
I have destroyed my cameras from the trip we took last weekend and I am tears now trying to figure out how to salvage any of the film. Our last days . . . . gone forever. I just want to die.
I am changing my phone number. I am secluding myself from everyone in my life. My mother is taking Hannah for a few days and I am just going to sit in my house upon my roof top and cry until my body and my soul can take it no more.
I just want to see him again. I just want to feel his fingers.
His hair is still in my bathroom from when he shaved his head. I can't even pick it up. I am so beyond sad. I am way beyond mourning.
I am dead.


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