I NEED HELP
Argggggggg
Yeah. Arggg seems to sum it up for the time being. I feel like shit again tonight. I feel as if every single person that I care about is falling apart at the seams. Falling very fast in fact.
I feel helpless. Lost.
Drugs seem to have taken over some of my closest friends. I am not talking about pot either here. I am talking heavy duty. It's the most bizarre thing. It's almost like a fucking fad. Like it's the "in" thing to do. I don't know what to do, where to turn. My very best friend and I seem to have absolutely NOTHING left in common. I feel like a teenager going through peer pressure when I am with her. I am absolutely speechless, I can't hold a normal conversation with her anymore and I am so fucking scared right now.
I am struggling with my own demons with Paul again and Brian and I have been trying relentlessly to work things out but to no avail. I feel so alone again. I feel like I have not a soul in the universe to talk to.
Cole and I started talking again after 4 months of not speaking. I adore him to no end but I hate ventin g to him because he seems to be the only person whom makes makes me smile and laugh anymore.... I just do not want to lose him too. He has so much stuff going on with his grandmother and so much of his own problems that I hate to burden him for one second with my drama. I want to just get in my car and drive to Florida, wrap my arms around him and just start over. I want to get out of here for awhile. I want to get out of here for good.
I used to think that if I picked up and moved on, away from my mom and sisters that my mother would be sad and lonely. Now I think she would be happy. She found her first boyfriend. My daddy will be dead five years on Saturday. Can you believe that? It seems like yesterday that I was giving him a haircut and shave. It seems like yesterday that he was in my house building me shelves for my hall closet. I am so very happy that my mom found happiness again. It's been a very long time since any of us have seen her not lonely and smiling like she is. But now, (probably me being selfish) I feel as if she is so wrapped up in this man that she has no time for us. I know this sounds so incredibly selfish but I don't mean it the way it is sounding AT ALL!!
I am nuts I think. I don't know how else to explain myself right now. I am branching off into many directions and I feel out of control. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like the way I am feeling and I want it to stop.
The only thing good in my life right now is HAnnah Emily. She is my rainbow. She is the reason I breathe. I just hate being this way because I know she senses it. I know I put on an act for her . . .well It's not like an act because I do enjoy her and I do enjoy being with her but it's like these feelings arise from within and I can't fade them out.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
I am LOST, OUT OF CONTROL AND SO VERY SAD!!!!!
www.rubysfire.com
Yeah. Arggg seems to sum it up for the time being. I feel like shit again tonight. I feel as if every single person that I care about is falling apart at the seams. Falling very fast in fact.
I feel helpless. Lost.
Drugs seem to have taken over some of my closest friends. I am not talking about pot either here. I am talking heavy duty. It's the most bizarre thing. It's almost like a fucking fad. Like it's the "in" thing to do. I don't know what to do, where to turn. My very best friend and I seem to have absolutely NOTHING left in common. I feel like a teenager going through peer pressure when I am with her. I am absolutely speechless, I can't hold a normal conversation with her anymore and I am so fucking scared right now.
I am struggling with my own demons with Paul again and Brian and I have been trying relentlessly to work things out but to no avail. I feel so alone again. I feel like I have not a soul in the universe to talk to.
Cole and I started talking again after 4 months of not speaking. I adore him to no end but I hate ventin g to him because he seems to be the only person whom makes makes me smile and laugh anymore.... I just do not want to lose him too. He has so much stuff going on with his grandmother and so much of his own problems that I hate to burden him for one second with my drama. I want to just get in my car and drive to Florida, wrap my arms around him and just start over. I want to get out of here for awhile. I want to get out of here for good.
I used to think that if I picked up and moved on, away from my mom and sisters that my mother would be sad and lonely. Now I think she would be happy. She found her first boyfriend. My daddy will be dead five years on Saturday. Can you believe that? It seems like yesterday that I was giving him a haircut and shave. It seems like yesterday that he was in my house building me shelves for my hall closet. I am so very happy that my mom found happiness again. It's been a very long time since any of us have seen her not lonely and smiling like she is. But now, (probably me being selfish) I feel as if she is so wrapped up in this man that she has no time for us. I know this sounds so incredibly selfish but I don't mean it the way it is sounding AT ALL!!
I am nuts I think. I don't know how else to explain myself right now. I am branching off into many directions and I feel out of control. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like the way I am feeling and I want it to stop.
The only thing good in my life right now is HAnnah Emily. She is my rainbow. She is the reason I breathe. I just hate being this way because I know she senses it. I know I put on an act for her . . .well It's not like an act because I do enjoy her and I do enjoy being with her but it's like these feelings arise from within and I can't fade them out.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
I am LOST, OUT OF CONTROL AND SO VERY SAD!!!!!
www.rubysfire.com
posted by Yours Truly, Katie at 5/03/2005 08:39:00 PM
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