JOSEPH, JOSEPH, JOSEPH . . . . . hahahahah

I am still at work and I just hung up with a good friend of mine. We actually dated a very long time ago when I lived in Texas. He was a great guy but of course I was after the hard core biker type then....so needless to say I left him, came back and left again for good and moved back home to Massachusetts. His name is Joseph and he is married now. He jokes around with me about the lovely life I could have had. Don't get me wrong, he is happily married and has a son now who is 5. We talk a few times a month. He is best friends with my cousin Davey who I try to keep in touch with often. They are thousands of miles away and I wish they were closer sometimes. Anyway, I was ranting and raving to Joe about work and life and bla bla bla and he just laughs at me. I was pissed at first because I was not finding anything I said funny at all. He then continues to read a letter he wrote to me but never sent. It was about 9 years ago when I left him the first time to come home. Then I came back to him a year later. Then I finally left him again after a year or so and he was writing me a letter to tell me how badly I hurt him. How Mad he was at me. It stated that he tried everything in his power to keep me there. He wanted so badly to marry me and everything else. At that point in my life, I had just met Paul a few months back and I fell in love with him (GROSS) (YEAH KICKING MYSELF RIGHT IN THE ASS NOW!!) and I couldn't stay away from him or my family. I didnt even tell him I was leaving. I left it up to my Aunt and cousins to break the news. He even flew up to Boston the next weekend and I refused to see him. (AGAIN KICKING MYSELF IN THE ASS). Anyway, He was saying all these things in this unsent letter and he started to laugh because as he was reading it that song "This Love" by Maroon Five came on. As he was listening to the lyrics he started to laugh because he said it was almost as if Maroon Five read the letter and made a song out of it. "FATE you might think, Katie Anne" was the next sentence out of his mouth. I said... yeah FATE that if you had a chance again I'd probably leave you again. He laughed agreeingly. I don't know what is wrong with me. Here was a man who was disgustingly rich, loved me whole heartedly, wanted a family, dealt with all of my bull shit and moods, would have given me the world on a platinum platter and I take off to go home to wonderful Paul. YEAH. Can anyone say IDIOT? I know that we would never have been good together now. But what was I thinking about with Paul??????? Things that make you go hmmmmmmm would be the song right about now. I mean the weight of it is remarkable. It was a no brainer yet I was blinded. Be with someone who treats you well and loves you? or Be with someone who shits all over you and hurts you? WHY? That's easy. I thought I could change Paul. I thought I could "teach" him to love me. hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah
At any rate, you learn from your trials and errors and hopefully become a better person. I like to think that is true. I hope it is true because I don't want another "Paul" relationship ever ever again. As I was wrapping up the conversation with JOseph, I could hear his son in the background playing and yelling to him that dinner was ready and it sort of bothered me a little bit. HE said "You could have been here right now sugar". and You know what I told him? I said "Cupcake, I am there. I am still in your heart. I never left. You will always be a part of me as I know I am with you. We have a friendship that surpasses everything. That is why I am grateful for what we had and what we now have". I could feel him smile over the phone agreeing with my every word. I chuckled after I hung up the phone because even though I could be living in a 2.5 million dollar home in Arlington Texas, cooking dinner, driving in my Mercedes SUV, feeding the horses and watching my children run around, I would have never experienced the trials I endured. I would never have met my gorgeous Angel baby Hannah Emily and I don't think I would be happy with that. I know the Moons and stars gave me "This life" for a reason. The choices I made were never done in vain and they were for a reason. Maybe I do not know the reasons yet but it will all come together soon. It will all be very clear eventually. I do miss Joseph Zanti but I do not wish things were different. I am just glad that I met him because he is funny and sweet and is always there when I need to yell. . . . even if he is thousands of miles away. I am content with that.

Anyway, here is the lyrics to that song. I get a kick out of it now. He sent me the MP3 and I have been listening to it over and over again. I really love it. Strange how things happen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The flames controlled my mind

Whispered goodbye
She got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
But I have no choice
Cuz I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied

Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
But I have no choice
Cuz I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix those broken dreams
Repair your broken wings
and make sure everythings alright
My pressure on your hips
Sink in my fingertips
to every inch of you
Cuz I know thats what you want me to do

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And My heart is breaking in front of me
But I have no choice
Cuz I won't say goodbye anymore

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