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So... it's 4:19 am Friday morning. I am an absolute insomniac. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't even enjoy a thirsty Thursday with my friends. I was such a complete fucking poser tonight. I smiled, laughed, acted interested, when in reality all I wanted to do was come home, rip my stilettos off, and crawl into my cloud like bed. What was I going to do when I reached my bed? Possibly cry. Maybe try hard to figure out what my fucking lame as story is. Why am I so miserable feeling inside? When I wake up in the morning, recently, I feel foggy. Groggy, sick and sad. I have to force myself out of bed to get Hannah ready for school. Once again posing happiness. I have to for Hannah's sake. She will never feel my wrath or my sadness. But even though she thinks evrything is perfect and peachy keen, I feel as though I am a lying mother. A terrible mother.
I was laid off from my job that I absolutely loved. I am able to collect unemployment however it is more than half of my recent salary. I am getting by. My bills are paid. Yes some of them late, but paid. I feel like such a failure. I have been online searching and searching but to no avail. I must have sent out 25-30 resumes out this week alone. NOTHING!!! Everyone keeps telling me "Take it easy, you are collecting unemployment, don't rush. Take a break. You need a vacation." And so on and so on. Well I am 28 years old. Since I was 16 I have had a job. I am so immune to working 50 hours a week. I am a worker. I take pride in my work. I do it well. Although I hate mornings, I eventually wake up and get over it. Since my lay off, I have been getting up for Hannah, driving her to school, then crawling back into bed and sleeping until 1 pm. That is just disgusting to me. I cannot function. I can remember when I was with Hannah's dad for all those years. He was loaded. I never HAD to work. I was content and lucky enough to be able to stay home with my child in the first few months. But I got restless and unhappy. I just have always been a worker. I never accepted hand outs. When Hannah was 3 months old I started working again full time and I never stopped. Hannah is almost nine years old now. And this is the longest that I have been without a job. I am so sad. Sad is the only feeling that could describe it. I feel stressed. I feel like a fucking failure. I don't know what I am going to do. I am well educated, extremely experienced and still NOTHING. These people out there want to pay me $11.00 and hour. I couldn't survive. I couldn't.
People who are married with two incomes can't afford the cost of living these days. Here I am, a single mother, paying $1,200.00 a month for my house plus utilities, car payments, insurance, food, etc... and they want to hire me for $11.00 an hour??? How can people live off of that? It makes no sense. Who could live off of 1760.00 a month??? Are you shitting me? Argggh. I am so upset.
Anyway, I did have a good night with friends. My guy friends are so awesome. I am n ot one to cry poor mouth. I told them I had to pay bills and would see them tomorrow and they insisted. So needless to say, as usual, I spent not one penny. I know it seems like I bitch alot. This is why I have a blog. It is how I express myself truly. But I know I am lucky for my friends and family. I am so grateful for them.. They are the best group of people. I love you guys so much!
ANyway. . I am going to try to get some sleep. I always seem to get tired looking at the computer screen.
Have a good night! I love you!
xoxoxo
www.rubysfire.com