As I sit unsoothed in the darkness, I have finally realized how much pain I consume on a regular basis. Nothing in this world is fulfilling. All I can feel is hurt inside and I can't identify the culpret. When you hear people speak of depression and suicide... I think that I may be able to understand their mentality at this very pertinent moment. ALthough this may be psycho "babble", I am not quite sure how true that saying may be. Now don't fret, I am not going to harm myself or anyone else, I am just trying to distinguish where that fine line is.
I feel as though noone in this world is more of a failure than I am. I have failed to please my parents, make them proud. I have failed to keep my family together for my daughter's sake of living a normal life. I have failed as a friend on numerous occasions, for fear of missing out on "something better" to do. I have failed as a sister. I have even failed as an aunt. And the worst one of all, I have failed as a mother.
I cannot complain about my childhood or the way I was raised. I cannot even point a finger to my family or my friends. I had the best childhood ever and I have no particular reason to have failed my mother , my deceased father, my sisters.
I go to sleep every night praying that my father knows how sorry I am. I beg him every night .. hoping he hears me in Heaven and ask him to please forgive me. Although I know I am not a bad person, I know I broke his heart and have disappointed him so. The decisions I have made in my very short lifetime have not been great. 85 % of these decisions, in fact, I would say were the worst decisions of my life.
If I could build a time machine or was miraculously given another chance to live life from Age 11, I would give EVERYTHING up for that shot.