Soul Searching is my theme for the week. I have been thinking really long and hard lately about the "goings on" in my life and I am pretty much all set with the majority of it.
I have not felt like myself in the previous months and I am not digging it so much. I feel as though a huge part of me is missing and I cannot seem to find it. I have been jogging down memory lane with this friggan book of mine and I have to admit I am not very fond of the memories for the most part. In fact I feel somewhat embarrased and very ashamed at some of the things. I really need some alone time to seriously find me. That is all I really want. I have no room for distractions anymore. None whatsoever. I would do anything just to go away to a cabin somewhere, alone. Just me and my mind. Just my thoughts and I. I cannot really explain in my words how I feel inside. I seriously cannot really tell myself my feelings. What I really mean is that I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring and I have no idea what the very next moment is going to bring me either. I am not aware of much but I do know that I deserve alot more than I have right now. I sincerely believe that I deserve love and trust and honesty. I will never settle. I just cannot do that to my heart or my soul. I just need to be alone for a while until I figure it all out. I want to be the Katie that I used to be. I want to be the loving, caring, stable person who every one loved and cared for. I don't want to be bitter or stubborn. I am so tired of hiding behind this Steel wall. I really am. It sounds so corny when I say that but it is so true. I am hidden behind this ruthless wall and I feel as though I, myself can't even break it down. That truly frightens me to no end. I have such awesome friends who are trying to help me in every way they possibly can but they cannot even "truly" reach me behind it. This is why I say the Soul searching route is the way I am choosing for the time being. I figure if I can understand myself better, than it will make it alot easier for them to comprehend this madness. MAdness. haha that is really what it is. I know that there are people in this world who have it 100 times worse than I do, but I think I can be alot happier and content. I just need to find .. Well I just really need to find .... me.