MEMORY LANE
As the last drop of my herbal tea soaks into my stomach I am still wide awake and uneasy. Time for my third mug of it apparently. I have taken the match to my unlit cigarette of 4 days and taken the "puff". I feel only lightheaded and nausea.....no stress relief. Hmmmm pointless you might say. I agree. I feel so weird today emotionally. I can't really express the exact words of how I feel. I was talking at length to Elizabeth last night and this morning and she thinks that I may have a touch of the Winter Blues. Interesting analogy I thought but I have to beg to differ. For Winter is my favorite time of year. I love awakening to a cold wooden floor. Walking to my morning shower is a long, cold, yet rejuvenating walk. My slippers that sit loyal to me at the edge of my bed never do make it on my feet. I love getting out of the shower and feeling the brisk bitterness on my face and body. When I leave my front door and am punched by the freezing air, for some reason I feel free. I love to touch the snow and feel it in between my gloveless fingertips. I don't even mind the cold drive from my house to my work place. My vehicle never seems to warm up before I reach my destination anyway. I love to be warm and cozy also. The thought of me sitting in front of my fireplace with a fire blazing, sipping a mug of cocoa or tea and reading a novel, journaling or just listening to the timber crackle is quite arousing to me actually. (Was that a run on sentence...still debating) I am just simply not threatened by the "chill" of winter. It does not depress me like it does to many people. If anything, it satisfies me.
I think I am feeling anxious. I feel as though I am in lack of breath. I feel sad and lonely, yet I do not wish for anyone's company. Bizarre huh? I feel as though something is missing in my life which is making me feel guilty and selfish. I have a good job, great friends, nice furniture and material things, and most importantly a healthy, talented, and beautiful daughter. Why am I feeling the way I feel then? I feel dissatisfied. I feel like I am constantly thriving for the greener side. Why? I want to be content. When I try to force myself I physically feel sick. It is such an awful and bizarre feeling. I sometimes wonder if I will ever truly be happy and content?
I am getting so aggravated with the book. It is utilizing most of my energy. I am absolutely annoyed with Television line up that I almost removed all four of my T.V.'s today. Why does a Single woman with a seven year old daughter need four television sets? That is insane to me. I never even turn on the one in my bedroom. I never use the one in the office. Hannah does not frequent her bedroom ever so why does she have a t.v., v.c.r., and D.V.D. player? She has Playstation and Playstation 2, Game boy and Gameboy advance, a standing keyboard and a wall sized markerboard, a toybox with toys still in their boxes untouched. And she has the nerve to come up to me as I am lying on the couch in tears, nursing one of the worst migraines of my time, to tell me that she was bored and has nothing to do. Are you kidding me kid? She has enough electronics in her room to record a record and market it for Goddess sake. She is smart as a whip and has no imagination. My Goddess, when I was 7 I was exploring the woods and taking imaginary adventures. Climbing a rock and pretending I was the Queen of the woods who was kidnapped and placed ontop of this "Rock", waiting for my King to save me was my idea of playtime. My mother kissed us goodbye at 10 am, and didn't see us or hear from us until we were hungry. Sometimes we packed a picnic and then we would be gone until the "street lights" came on. Do you remember those days? The days of no Nintendo, or Sony and even Atari. No computers, no Bratz dolls, No hand held video games. No Rugrats, Rocket Power or Jimmy Neutron. Just a dead end street with all the kids in the neighborhood, Kick the can, Ralevio and hide and seek. I was raised in a middle class home with means for all of the best electronic devices and such but we never "needed" them. I mean I remember when my father brought home the very first V.C.R. EVER made. The neighborhood was in awe. The video store we used to go to had like 20 videos to choose from. My parents used to host a movie night because they were the only people in town,it seemed, that had this technology. It sounds so humorous but it is factual.
It just goes to show how society really is now. Books and nature were the source of all things when I was a kid. I remember the library of literature and books we had as kids. I can still recall the smell of the pages. I remember my father buying a library of encyclopedias from a door to door salesman because he felt bad for the poor guy. I loved those encyclopedias. I loved the whole "researching" thing. I loved the smell of the pages and their soft glossy feel. I liked to play school with them and read them aloud to my imaginary students. That was "playing" back then. Now all we do is buy electronics full of violence, theft, murder and whoring. I mean I will admit that I love Playstation2. I love Grand Theft Auto and Vice City. I love the Sims and many other games. But if I had a choice of playing a video game or getting snuggled on my oversized chair and reading an autobiography or a novel..... I would definitely read.
Enough walking down memory lane. I am still wide awake so I am going to see if filling up the tub and turning the jets on while sipping some wine will relax me and make me sleepy. The tea is doing nothing for me except pleasing my taste buds.
Good night to all of my loved ones. I love you.
Katie Anne
I think I am feeling anxious. I feel as though I am in lack of breath. I feel sad and lonely, yet I do not wish for anyone's company. Bizarre huh? I feel as though something is missing in my life which is making me feel guilty and selfish. I have a good job, great friends, nice furniture and material things, and most importantly a healthy, talented, and beautiful daughter. Why am I feeling the way I feel then? I feel dissatisfied. I feel like I am constantly thriving for the greener side. Why? I want to be content. When I try to force myself I physically feel sick. It is such an awful and bizarre feeling. I sometimes wonder if I will ever truly be happy and content?
I am getting so aggravated with the book. It is utilizing most of my energy. I am absolutely annoyed with Television line up that I almost removed all four of my T.V.'s today. Why does a Single woman with a seven year old daughter need four television sets? That is insane to me. I never even turn on the one in my bedroom. I never use the one in the office. Hannah does not frequent her bedroom ever so why does she have a t.v., v.c.r., and D.V.D. player? She has Playstation and Playstation 2, Game boy and Gameboy advance, a standing keyboard and a wall sized markerboard, a toybox with toys still in their boxes untouched. And she has the nerve to come up to me as I am lying on the couch in tears, nursing one of the worst migraines of my time, to tell me that she was bored and has nothing to do. Are you kidding me kid? She has enough electronics in her room to record a record and market it for Goddess sake. She is smart as a whip and has no imagination. My Goddess, when I was 7 I was exploring the woods and taking imaginary adventures. Climbing a rock and pretending I was the Queen of the woods who was kidnapped and placed ontop of this "Rock", waiting for my King to save me was my idea of playtime. My mother kissed us goodbye at 10 am, and didn't see us or hear from us until we were hungry. Sometimes we packed a picnic and then we would be gone until the "street lights" came on. Do you remember those days? The days of no Nintendo, or Sony and even Atari. No computers, no Bratz dolls, No hand held video games. No Rugrats, Rocket Power or Jimmy Neutron. Just a dead end street with all the kids in the neighborhood, Kick the can, Ralevio and hide and seek. I was raised in a middle class home with means for all of the best electronic devices and such but we never "needed" them. I mean I remember when my father brought home the very first V.C.R. EVER made. The neighborhood was in awe. The video store we used to go to had like 20 videos to choose from. My parents used to host a movie night because they were the only people in town,it seemed, that had this technology. It sounds so humorous but it is factual.
It just goes to show how society really is now. Books and nature were the source of all things when I was a kid. I remember the library of literature and books we had as kids. I can still recall the smell of the pages. I remember my father buying a library of encyclopedias from a door to door salesman because he felt bad for the poor guy. I loved those encyclopedias. I loved the whole "researching" thing. I loved the smell of the pages and their soft glossy feel. I liked to play school with them and read them aloud to my imaginary students. That was "playing" back then. Now all we do is buy electronics full of violence, theft, murder and whoring. I mean I will admit that I love Playstation2. I love Grand Theft Auto and Vice City. I love the Sims and many other games. But if I had a choice of playing a video game or getting snuggled on my oversized chair and reading an autobiography or a novel..... I would definitely read.
Enough walking down memory lane. I am still wide awake so I am going to see if filling up the tub and turning the jets on while sipping some wine will relax me and make me sleepy. The tea is doing nothing for me except pleasing my taste buds.
Good night to all of my loved ones. I love you.
Katie Anne
posted by Yours Truly, Katie at 1/13/2004 10:17:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home