Daddy 5/7/2000~5/7/2005

Dear Daddy,
It's been 5 years since you left me and the pain doesn't seem to get any lighter. I remember someone told me on the day that you died, that the pain will go away with time. It hasn't left me not even one little bit. You were my whole world. You were my inspiration. I just wanted to tell you that even though it seems like I have been slowly falling down hill these last 5 years... I want you to know that I am going to be o.k. I am going to get myself out of this mess that I am in. You taught me everything that I know and I know it seems like I might not be using that knowledge now, but I promise I will pull through this for Hannah and for you.
I feel so lost and like such a failure. I just want you to know that I will be back on top again.. This is just a little bump in the road and I am going to stand up tall again daddy. You know I will. I don't ever want to let you down and I am so sorry if I am now.
I love you dad. I miss you every day of my life and I want you to come back.
I miss you so much that it hurts.
Love,
Kaie
www.rubysfire.com

I NEED HELP

Argggggggg
Yeah. Arggg seems to sum it up for the time being. I feel like shit again tonight. I feel as if every single person that I care about is falling apart at the seams. Falling very fast in fact.
I feel helpless. Lost.
Drugs seem to have taken over some of my closest friends. I am not talking about pot either here. I am talking heavy duty. It's the most bizarre thing. It's almost like a fucking fad. Like it's the "in" thing to do. I don't know what to do, where to turn. My very best friend and I seem to have absolutely NOTHING left in common. I feel like a teenager going through peer pressure when I am with her. I am absolutely speechless, I can't hold a normal conversation with her anymore and I am so fucking scared right now.
I am struggling with my own demons with Paul again and Brian and I have been trying relentlessly to work things out but to no avail. I feel so alone again. I feel like I have not a soul in the universe to talk to.
Cole and I started talking again after 4 months of not speaking. I adore him to no end but I hate ventin g to him because he seems to be the only person whom makes makes me smile and laugh anymore.... I just do not want to lose him too. He has so much stuff going on with his grandmother and so much of his own problems that I hate to burden him for one second with my drama. I want to just get in my car and drive to Florida, wrap my arms around him and just start over. I want to get out of here for awhile. I want to get out of here for good.
I used to think that if I picked up and moved on, away from my mom and sisters that my mother would be sad and lonely. Now I think she would be happy. She found her first boyfriend. My daddy will be dead five years on Saturday. Can you believe that? It seems like yesterday that I was giving him a haircut and shave. It seems like yesterday that he was in my house building me shelves for my hall closet. I am so very happy that my mom found happiness again. It's been a very long time since any of us have seen her not lonely and smiling like she is. But now, (probably me being selfish) I feel as if she is so wrapped up in this man that she has no time for us. I know this sounds so incredibly selfish but I don't mean it the way it is sounding AT ALL!!
I am nuts I think. I don't know how else to explain myself right now. I am branching off into many directions and I feel out of control. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like the way I am feeling and I want it to stop.
The only thing good in my life right now is HAnnah Emily. She is my rainbow. She is the reason I breathe. I just hate being this way because I know she senses it. I know I put on an act for her . . .well It's not like an act because I do enjoy her and I do enjoy being with her but it's like these feelings arise from within and I can't fade them out.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
I am LOST, OUT OF CONTROL AND SO VERY SAD!!!!!









www.rubysfire.com

www.rubysfire.com