I only sleep with butterflies

t seems to me that I only sleep with butterflies. Call me crazy. I use this analogy for many reasons. The men I fall in love with are from afar. I think the underlying reasons are because I couldn't possibly have them around me 24/7. Sad but yet so true. I don't like hurting men. I just can't find it in my heart to keep them. I try and try and try and yet I cannot commit. The ones I truly love are miles and miles and miles away from me. From my circle. From my territory. I look forward to the visits, and to the phone calls. I love hearing of the trials and errors. I love learning of the career oppurtunities and the prospective contracts. I love listening to the voice on the other end of the phone and yes, I truly long to be held in their arms. I genuinely care and I miss the touch, the warmth, the love. But that all seems to crash and burn as soon as I have them, finally, in my arms.
And then I miss them terribly when they depart from my compound of mixed feelings and broken dreams. I watch the airplane fly above me and know that they will return again someday. I dread that it might be for good. I cringe thinking about the conversations we had in reference to making things work, sacrifices and long term relationships.
I often ponder on the fact that this has been a lifelong pattern. How do I break it? I don't know. How can I change my ways? I don't know. But I constantly live in fear that in the end, My butterflies will fly away and someone else will catch them in their own net, leaving me with an empty cocoon. I know. I am fucked in the head.
-Katie

An Airplane takes you away again
Are you flying above where I live?
Then I look up, a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night?
I'm not, but I like rivers that rush in.
So then I dove in.
Is there trouble ahead for you, the acrobat?
I won't push you, unless you have a net.
You say the word and you know I will find you.
Or if you need some time, I don't mind.
I don't hold on to the tail of your kite.
I'm not like the girls that you've known.
But I believe I'm worth coming home to.
Kiss away my night.
This girl only sleeps with butterflies.
So go on and fly then, baby.
Balloons look good from on the ground.
I fear with pins and needles around.
We may fall and then stumble upon a carousel.
It could take us anywhere.
You say the word and you know I will find you.
Or if you need some time, I don't mind.
I don't hold on to the tail of your kite.
I'm not like the girls that you've known.
But I believe I'm worth coming home to.
Kiss away my night.
This girl only sleeps with butterflies.
So go on and fly then, baby.

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