Falling Forever..

I have finally come to the realization that I am never going to fall out of love with Brian ever... It is just too hard for me. So what.. Am I now going to sacrifice my life to him? What am I supposed to do. I cannot turn my back on my feelings. It would not be fair to anyone I am involved with let alone myself. Why is this so tough for me?
I am sitting here straightening my spiraly curly hair and I am agonizing over this issue. I am applying my make up and still thinking about it. When I go to bed at night, I am thinking about him and when I wake up in the morning I habitually turn over to see if he is next to me.... But he is not. I am so confused. Lord knows I love him immensely but I just cannot do this to myself. Not anymore anyway. I don't know where or when I grew my balls but I did man. I talked to my friend ANthony today and he really set me straight. He told me that although I am constantly stressing how I want a normal life with a husband and a handful of kids that deep down I want the wild life. I want a man who is so unpredictable and whom will never commit therefore leading me to want to commit and hence the challenges I place before myself. I argued with him for a quick minute and realized Jesus, he is so right. I surround myself with men who walk that fine line on the wild side. Men who will never commit to me and who will just string me along and have me play the game with them. WHY??? Why am I like this?
I seriously do dream about that husband and kids and the house and the good life. I mean do not get me wrong. I live a great life. I do well for myself and my man takes real good care of me... I am a spoiled brat but Honestly.. maybe that saying is true... Money can't buy you love or fulfillment. hmmmmm Gives me something to think about tonight as I am gallavanting on the back of a bike and throwing tequila down my neck..,.... YEah it does!