So I just walked in the door after a long day and a really long night. I was busy all day long at work. I saw Brian last night and we had a long talk. I went out on his bike tonight and we just drove and drove and drove. We did not really talk much. I think we knew what we both wanted to say. My party was fun and funny. What else would it be right? At any rate, Brian left and took my helmet hostage. No big deal. I always have a back up. We went over my mom's to get the Bubs and I sat and talked with my baby sister Liz. She is holding up considering. What an awful awful thing. Her best friend since I can remember was killed in a car accident this weekend and she has been a wreck ever since. (understandably) <<~~ Is that a word? Whatever. You get the Jist. So anyway, I have been sick to my stomach over this accident because we were really close to the family. I was close to her sister Jill in High School and we still talk on occasion. My sister Kerry is very close with Jill still. It just makes you seriously think how fast something can be robbed from you. ya know? I mean this girl was 20 years old, out at a friends house, not drinking or anything and loses control of her car and BAM! dead! Gone. No turning back. She has flown away. And all I can think of is the fact that that could have very well been my baby sister and it rips my heart apart. It nauseates me and I can't even begin to imagine what her family must be going through. How much pain is over taking them. I was on my roof last night thinking to the stars that Life just is not ever going to be fair. EVER. We are all here on earth being punished because of something we commited in our past life. I know it sounds so retarded but I am so serious. How could a GOD or a higher power of some sort ALLOW this to happen? COME ON!!!! If "GOD" LOVES us so much, WHY DO WE SUFFER? Why would he RIP a beautiful woman with so many ambitions and dreams away from her friends and family? WHy would he torment her parents like this? This is one of the many many reasons why I do not believe in God and why I don't go to church. I just cannot understand the concept of tragedy. I can't listen to one more person tell me that Jesus died so we can confess our sins and be forgiven. And so we all can live happily. Well if that is the case then we all should be immortal and never die..and live happily. Tragedies should only be a falacy. Whatever. It just does not seem fair at all to me. It makes me literally sick to my stomach.
Anyway, I am going on my roof and I am going to write in my journal.
I am having such a hard time dealing with this madness. I am sick to my stomach about it. I am dreading my day tomorrow and I am seriously contemplating playing sick. I doubt I will. You know me Work work work.
I am stressed out and not satisfied right now. I need my baby cakes to come back.... hmmmmmmmm
I am so sparatic and so restless.
I am just NEVER satisfied
....which brings me to my next drama..... ED told me this morning that I am confused and never sure of anything. He told me that I am miserable all of the time and he doesn't mean it in a bad way but he is just being completely honest with me. I was a bit floored considering the fact that I was looking for some sort of sympathy from him because I was having a bad day! And he usually makes me feel better. And then he continued with "When you want to hang out or if you want to talk then you are just gonna have to call me" ...which floored me even more because if that does not sound like a "breaking up" line then I don't know what would. Which was exactly my response. "Are you breaking up with me?" We are just close friends but I sincerely felt like I was being dumped...... I guess I am just used to the whole breaking up process. WOW. Is that the way guys feel when I dump them? When I viciously and ravishly rip apart their insides with my teeth? Sorry guys. I really am.