The moon has said good night. This Wednesday has bid farewell. My bed is screaming my name and yet I am still awake. I love my roof so much. I think you all would laugh at me right now if you saw me. I am in my black Old Navy Yoga Pants, My black ski parker and my Outlaws ski hat. My left hand is covered by my Burberry leather glove and my right hand is bare so I can type. hahah. My feet are covered with my LL Bean snow boots and I am literally sitting in the snow on my roof. I love this weather. I think I was made to live in an Igloo. I wish that you all were sitting on my roof right now. Not quite sure how good it is to have my lap top in this weather. If it breaks I will most definitely replace it Tony I promise you. I went out tonight. I actually had an eventful night. I think there are still people lingering in my kitchen.... let me see...... Nope. Everyone has called it a night Thank Goddess. I had a good night considering the terrible day I had. Everything was fun and nice until I realized my 2 carat solitaire diamond earring was amongst the missing. I had the entire bar on their hands and knees. It was quite the laughing stock actually, considering the fact that I had the microphone directing people where to look. Then Jay finally walks up to me and says "K, what the fuck is that attached to your turtle neck?" Hahahahah yeah! there it was. My pride and joy. My Earring was mulling on my collar. At any rate, it turned out to be a funny night. We met some new people....Like that is a big surprise right? I ran into Jay Newell again and he is drawing me a tattoo that I have my heart set on. I have to go visit him tomorrow. I described it and he penciled a draft for me on a napkin and I am so siked right now.
The fresh air I am inhaling into my lungs is like a drug for me right now. My nose is running and I feel so healthy. Besides the fact that these fucking pop-ups are annoying me I feel serenity.
Sometimes when I am on my roof, (And for those who know me, and are wondering what roof?... the one directly outside of HAnnah's bedroom. The FLAT ONE) ...anyway. Sometimes when I am on my roof I talk to my Dad or to Stacy or even to Stevie and Ray. I tell Stevie how much I miss him and I let him know the drama of the week. I tell my dad that I wish he was sitting right here with me and then I will feel a wind blow strong and feel him here. I will ask Stacy over and over again why she killed herself. Why she didn't tell me where she was. I ask her why she would not answer her phone that night. I tell her how mad I am at her. How deeply her death affected me and how everytime I see someone blow a line of cocaine up their nose, that I hate her. I feel guilty sometimes for the hate I feel for her. I feel so bad that I think she was so fucking selfish. I blame myself for dropping her off early because I was so wrapped up in finding Brian and apologizing. I feel so guilty that I didn't hear her cry for help. The fact that I was right there in my jeep, sitting with her one hour before she was dead. I yell at the top of my lungs and ask her WHY? WHy did you leave me Stace? WHy did you think you had it that bad mama? How could you not think of Hannah and me? Why did I desert her that night? When I went to her house the next day to bring her her purse that she left in my jeep...... I just cannot bare to live the next scene. The note she left was heart wrenching. The entire note was mostly about Hannah and her niece Morgan. She kept apologizing over and over again and repeatedly asked that I not read the note. You stupid fucking bitch. I found you in your tub. I found your note. I saw you there lifeless. How could you leave me mama? How could you do that to your family and friends and to Morgan. Her dog was there that morning. I remember her licking up the ice coffees I dropped on the floor. She was everywhere. Oh God and the music that was playing over and over again sounded like a record skipping. What was that fucking song. IT is like blocked from my mind. I remember sweeping up the glass and being in such shock after I called 911 that I was humming the tune. "doo doo doo do.. doo doo I know. Do Do Do DO DO do do I know Love will find a way. Darling love is gonna find a way. Find it's way back to you. Love is gonna find a way back to you. Yeah. I know." TESLA. Stace. What the fuck. What a waste of a life. You were so pretty and funny. You know who you were exactly like (and I am sure you are smiling down on me agreeing) You are just like Liz. Little fucking punk of a best friend. She speaks her mind just like you always did. She cries to me when we are together and doesn't mind holding me while we sleep. She watches out for me. She protects me and she is exactly what you were baby cakes. You have no idea how bad you killed me when you killed you. The day I watched them carry you out of your bathroom was the day they took a piece of me right along with your body. You took my life away the day you took your own. I hate you for that. For weeks and weeks I would sit by your headstone and cry and talk to you as if you were right there with me. Plenty of nights Brian found me there sound asleep at 6 am. I couldn't bare living, knowing that you were in the cold icy ground. I loved you so much and you didn't even think about what you did to me. Brian used to tell me that you were sick. You couldn't control your illness.... Why didn't you tell me you were sad. Why couldn't you tell me that you were mental? I won't even drive by the cemetary. Last year my sister in law MAry was buried where you are and I can't even bring flowers to her. I hate you and it is all of your fault. You should have come to me and you should have told me you were sad. MY GODDESS STACE! You heard it all from me. I am so angry with you and I am sorry.
I am not quite sure where that rant just came from. I think it was from my first shrink appointment the other night. I think that a huge can of worms was opened and you know what? I feel better. Renae, Chrissy, Jackie, Linda and even LIZ do not know anything about Stacy. When she died, I never spoke of her again. I actually convinced myself that she never ever existed. Tonight Liz had her hair up in a pony tail and had her glasses on. She turned to me to say something and I almost threw up. My therapist asked me about Stacy on Monday and I started to spill the beans. He told me that I really need to vent it to him. He said that I can trust him when he says I will feel better. Well I vented to him and I wanted to punch his wall in and now I am venting here and I want to punch my wall in. HOW IS THIS EFFECTIVE???? I do not undestand that.
You guys can all pass judgement on me. I don't care. I seriously don't. I know that I am a good person who tried to do all of the right things. In my 27 years of life, I have lived through alot. I never should have endured what I did endure. EVER! Have you ever walked into a room happily and then find your best friend dead? Did you ever sit next to your precious dad and watch him take his last breath, right before your eyes? Well don't fucking tell me that I am uncaring or selfish. Don't you dare say that I am greedy or egotistic. I have been through more hell than all of you puit together and quite fucking frankly I am sick and tired of everyone elses feelings. I am sick of explaining why I am the way I am. I am tired of voicing the fact that I am fucked up and have no means to love. I have not a working part of my heart inside of me except to pump my blood. I do not know how to love. I do not know how to give anymore. I am a terrible person with no heart. I know this and I accept this. Now it is time for me to find my heart again. Find my truth. Spill my guts. Speak my secrets and voice my thoughts. I am not going to hold back so that noone is hurt. Ya Know what? I think I have been hurt WAY TOO LONG for me to give a shit. So her goes:
Daddy, I hate you for dying. Mom is so sad all the time. I cry every night. Our lives will never ever be the same. Stevie, It was not your fault but it ruined me the day you died. My God it will be 13 years almost. Stacy, I don't think I will ever have it in me to forgive you. You rocked and smashed my entire world. You were selfish and I hate you for that. Ray, I will miss you for a long time. You were very special to me.

Yeah..... so maybe this therapy thing wasn't such a great idea.
I feel angry now. I don't feel any better at all...if anything I feel worse.
I am freezing my bum off right now and my tears are literally icicles.

Daddy, I am sorry. I don't hate you. I love you and I just want you back. I hated every moment that you were sick and suffering but atleast I could lay on your chest and hear your heart beat. I miss you so much that it pains me every day...even after almost 4 years.

Yeah. It's time for me to call it a night. My mascara is stinging my eyes and my lips are so chapped right now that they sting. My tears are frozen and my teeth are chattering.

Good night.

I love you guys!