STRONGER

As if I really need to explain myself or my feelings. AS IF is the operative word. My blogger is my diary. It is how I feel and it is a place where I vent. After thinking at length about the previous email posted, I have come to a number of conclusions. (Which by the way I am hesitant about revealing). At any rate, I have racked my brain for the past few hours and this is what I can offer:
Love..... such a strong and bittersweet word. Am I capable of love? I definitely am. In fact I thrive for it. The love I feel for my family and close few friends and especially my daughter is unexplainable. When I wake up to my baby girl smiling every morning of my lifetime, this surge of electrifying energy shoots through me. I am going to have to blame "Love" for that.
Why is it that I push people away or build a wall of protection when they want to show me love? Could the blatant and overwhelming fact that my heart has been brutally badgered and torn to pieces be a good enough explanation for you? Could the fact that every single relationship that I was ever seriously involved in (except 1 or 2) ended in my heart being smashed to bits and my trust being demolished? Could the fact that I have been used, abused, robbed, and tragically devestated by almost all of the few men I have been involved with be a good reason?
I do not feel as if I am unloving or unaffectionate. On the contrary I think. I care deeply about the people I love and trust and I would give my everything if they needed it.
I think that people are getting a misconception of the kind of person I am. Not that I have to explain to anyone..anything for that matter but Seriously....
I am a good, honest, decent person. I am very afraid of falling in love again. I am extremely frightened at the thought of a commitment and me giving my heart and soul to someone. I do not have a problem admitting that but to accuse me of being shallow, cold, unloving and unaffectionate is just completely false and quite frankly very hurtful. I am trying very very hard to work on my faults and failures. I am not perfect. I am in no way even close. But I am only human and I have made terrible, terrible mistakes in my life. But the thing about that is, I have learned valuable lessons. I am actually grateful for that. I can't say honestly that I have no regrets. I certainly do. But I can't change the past. I can only look forward and continue the path I have chosen. Obstacles are always going to come along. No path is silky smooth. But I feel as though I am stronger now. That is what I would say about me. I am not unloving, unaffectionate, shallow and cold. I am just stronger.

Katie

www.rubysfire.com