And so it just keeps on coming....

So I ran into him. I still feel a little bit nauseas. I felt like some 400 pound man came over to me and punched me right in my belly when I turned and saw him standing there. Have you ever felt that "feeling" when you see somebody who has at some point in your life made an extreme effect on you? Well the feeling I felt and if you know what I am talking about, you'll understand, felt like a surge of electricity that went up my legs and right to my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was that kind of feeling where you literally are struggling to breathe and your mouth is like a giant cotton ball. I literally got the sick feeling as I turned, placed my stuff I was going to buy on the counter and walked to my vehicle. I know he saw me and I know that as I was turning away with my friend Kris yelling at the top of his lungs "Katie, are you alright? What's wrong?" (Thanks Kris by the way ha ha ). I just started to cry and then turned to see Hannah and calmed down instantly. I could not believe he was in Massachusetts again. So as I hobbled Baby Wim up the stairs with Hannah following and Kris right behind us, I just completely crashed with emotion and everyone was like "WTF? What just happened." Suddenly realizing that what we had gone out in the first place for was clearly not in front of us, I just told him to go back that I just couldn't go. So now he is at the store with the children and I am here ready to absolutely die. The only thing that I can fucking utter off of my lips right now is "I cannot believe I just saw him". "I cannot believe that after all of these years he has entered back into my life. That he is here to make my life a living hell all over again." I know that that is not what he is here to do. Apparently he is married with children now and knows not of my daughter. Knows nothing of her and he will never know of her. EVER. She has a father and that is all there is to it. I sit here absolutely amazed and agitated because I just want to rewind the past hour and start over. I hate when this happens. I am driving away from the store I saw him at and the only thing I could think of was My Goddess, I wish I ran up to him and hugged him and asked him why he left and where he has been and then just imagining how he smelled and how he felt. It is the weirdest feeling in the world. Like what I am feeling is the biggest oxy moron imaginable. I Love him. I hate him. It's funny what a person's face will bring back to you. I couldn't tell you the last time I even thought about him. It was like as soon as I saw him and his smile the past ten years of my life meant nothing. Like he was the only thing that mattered and that he completely had control over me again. It scared the shit out of me. It frightened me like nothing else ever would or could. I was just sitting in my chair smoking a nasty cigarette and remembering everything I ever did with this man. Everything we ever were. It was the scariest 7 minutes in my life. I can't believe that one single human being could have such a dramatic effect on another person. Wow. I need a drink after this episode. A seriously strong drink.
Well it is time to give Wim his baby aspirin and finally let Hannah get some sleep. I think Wim is teething and I feel so bad for Hanny because she has been kept up all night. Oh! Good. Hannah is sound asleep. She fell asleep in the car which was the point of taking them out at this hour anyway. But whatever. I can see already that I will not be sleeping tonight. What else is new.
Katie