Sometimes I wonder why in the world I even care.
I am always trying to reason with my heart. I am constantly trying to find something to analyze.
I don't completely understand myself lately.
I think it may be because I have been writing my book and sifting through an awful lot of memories. Good and Bad.
I have wandered through my life again and I just can't help but dwell on my what if's.
What if I never met Paul? What if I finished school? What if I was never abused and battered by him? What if I never had HAnnah? What if I never met Brian? What if I died the night Brian saved my life?... instead of falling in love with him?
What if I was not as successful as I am? What would my life be if I never had the disaster of Jude Divineo? What if Stevie was still alive? What if my father never got cancer? What would he think of my choices in life? What would he be doing right now? What would have happened to me if I never moved from Holbrook to Abington? Would my life had been better? What do you think would have become of my family? Would I have ever walked into Subway in Abington? Would I still have been a worka holic? Or would other things have mattered to me besides material things? If I never got pregnant, would I still have stayed with him and endured everything I came to endure anyway? Would I have been a famous singer? Or would I still just be an accountant who cuts and colors hair on the side? What if I never met Liz or Renae or Chrissy? Who would I be? Will I ever be able to talk about that night again when I was 16... or is it only going to be a chapter of my autobiography? Is that the only way I am going to get people to completely understand me? Is this autobiography of me going to help people comprehend? Is it going to heal me?
I really can't answer any of my what if's or what would be's! I wish I could. I know everyone wishes at some point that they could go back in time and set things straight. I know that. It just frightens me because I have a seven year old beautiful daughter. I am so horrified that she will have what if's and could have been's. I do not want that. I want her to be content with her life. I don't ever want her to want to go back in time.
Ohhh the rambling huh?
I am a fucking mess and I am not ashamed to say it. I just feel as though I have failed and I don't like feeling like that. I want the very best for Hannah as my parents wanted for me.
Oh whatever. I am felling so aggravated.
SKIN was just on and it was awesome once again. I am officially addicted. It is such a great story line. It is seriously realistic. It really is. I think they should make my life into a drama series on Fox. My Goddess would that be a hit or what? haaa Just think Anthony, you would be famous and so would you Eddie and you too Chrissy, Renae and Liz..... hahahahahahaha
I am off to beddy bye. I need some sleep.
Oh my God I almost forgot. I talked to Sully tonight. I had to call him. Usually I would not call him. HE would call me when he was in MAss again .... But I changed my cell phone number and I had to relay that to him. He answered and come to find out he is in MAss. I am actually going to be in Salem on the 30th of this month so we are going to try to get together for dinner. I also brought to his attention that I needed his permission to discuss our encounters in my book and he said that was fine he just needed a copy to go over. So Sully will be one of the first people to read my book. haha I love my life. I really do. well sometimes I do. At any rate. He got a new tattoo and I cannot wait to see it. HE says I will definitely dig it. I asked him if he was going to the Festival of the Dead or the Witches Ball and he told me he could not disclose that. hahaha
So yeah. I will see him at the Ball I am sure.
Anyway, our conversation was short and he took my numbers down. I should hear from him by Thursday night to see if we will be able to meet. Who nows. Maybe we will, maybe we won't but I do know that he is one of my idols and he has made a huge effect on my life as I am sure I did on his. All I can say is Summer of 2001.
And Nooooo I have never had sex with Sully. I have never even kissed him passionately. Let's just say that on a summers night I was sitting on a quarry while he played with my "Crimson" (as he called it then) hair and sat and talked about the stars and how much we just wanted to fly away. . . . . Ahhhhh it is so surreal. I can almost feel the cool summer breeze of that night right now. I remember him saying how much he loved my freckles and my eyelashes. Awwwwww
He really is the best kid man. Whatever. Bla Bla Bla Bla....... The encounters I have ...well "encountered". People would not believe me if I didn't have the proof. I know they would'nt.
Well like I said before I had a memory burst... I am off to bed. I need some sleep.
Talk to everyone tomorrow after work.. hahahah WORK... I wanna be a princess!!!!!!!
Love ,
Katie xo