SPEED BUMPS

I was just told that I blog like a song. What the hell does that mean? I am cracking up because a friend of mine has a blogger also (www.edwardjcarvalho.com) and I read his word for word on a daily basis and I will every now and then read an excerpt in reference to people's reactions to his postings. How he has had negative and positive feedback on them and I just don't understand how some people can be so close minded. As if none of them have ever kept a journal or had a diary. See the difference between them and I is that I don't care. I am not ashamed of my life. And I am most certainly not ashamed of my trials. I have been through a tremendous amount of things that any 27 year old woman should never have endured and it sickens me physically to think that I may be judged because I express my inner thoughts and beliefs. This is my therapy. It truly is. I mean lets just talk hypothetically. At 15, you were raped and noone believed you because Rape was a "unspeakable word". You then continue on with your life and you wind up in an abusive relationship, mother a child, buy a house, live like a puppet. At 4 am on a winter's night 2 men show up at your door with the papers to your home because the wonderful father of your child has now gambled your home away. But as nice as these pricks were to you, they allow you to "gather some items". So at 21, you are calling your family to come get you at 4:30 am with your infant and they ask why and all you can say is "He gambled the house away". You then need to go into a shelter because he has a hit out on you because you have left him and he knows where everyone you love lives and everyone has to act like they have no idea what has happened. You lose your job, your life. All you have for 8 months is your child whom you feel guilty towards because How could any mother bring her child up in a shelter. In a room shared by another family. How could you allow yourself to do this to this innocent baby? How would you ever be able to explain yourself. You endure all of the pain and all of the fights with other un educated and less fortunate women. You cannot call any of your friends. But at this point you have already lost close to all of your friends anyway because he has ruined every relationship you have ever had. But you always seemed to keep your head up. You get an apartment and finally get back together. You get a job and you start to do very well. You meet the man of your dreams and you fall desperately in love with him. You are so unbelievably happy for 3 whole years and suddenly you realize the man you are in love with is not him. He is living a completely different life underneath your nose and has lied about everything that has ever come out of his mouth and you then learn that he will be going to jail for a very long time for racketeering and drug trafficking. I mean it will feel like a re enactment of a horrific life you lived 5 years prior with your child's father and you just can't imagine that "GOD" could allow this to happen. You watch a family member dying of the most heinous disease of all time CANCER and you watch them suffering and you just want to take it all away. This is all happening. You watch this person take their last breath, you constantly live with the pain of raising a child alone, you lose everything, have to live in a dirty, drug ridden, welfare like shelter to protect yourself, you think your life is ok now and BLAM right the fuck in your stomach. It's like God is finding it humorous and takes away a family member and you are down and out again. Take all of this in hypothetically speaking and then ask yourself, are you a bad person? Did you really deserve this? Do you really believe in a God or a higher power? Do you think for a minute you could have prevented any of this from 16 years old until now? I doubt it. Now I ask you this. Would you handle it in a way like this? Would you allow people to read your life story? Maybe not. Maybe you would because you aren't afraid anymore. You are no longer ashamed. You feel like you are powerless over the past but you are in complete control of your future. You don't care anymore who hates you or who loves you. You already know who loves you and that is all that matters now. The days of worrying about the he said she said he/she hates you are permanently over. You are now proud of what you have become alone.. with no help. You have made a life for your child and for yourself that is better than you have ever even wanted. Now I ask you this. Do you regret anything? You probably regret some of your choices but I will tell you this. I regret a lot of my choices but I am still standing strong and still have my baby and I have my house again and I have the love of many people close at heart and I am now stronger than I ever was.
My point or my moral is... I don't care what anyone thinks of me. Maybe I should keep it to myself... Maybe I shouldn't. I take things One Day at a time and one Blog at a time. If I don't want people to read something then I block it. But writing has always been an escape for me. IT has always been medicine for my wounds and it has never failed me. IT does not talk back to me nor offer advise or criticism. If you do not like what you read, then keep it to yourself. Better yet, take a notebook and write your feelings down on paper. You will feel a lot better. Trust me.
I don't want nor invite negativity in my life.
I want to be free and I am. I am free to do whatever I want. I am financially stable and financially capable to do such. I am fine and strong and stable and although there will always be speed bumps and rocky roads during my life... I will always have a spare tire in the trunk and I will always have a high enough car to handle the bumps and to get me over them.