All and all I guess that there's so many things that we don't say and it's what makes us sad. I think sometimes that makes us close but I don't mind. In the alleys and the bonefields past the piles of tires and the smell of hot tar. You threw your papers in the rain under your hat. You had a world. A world where there is no father, there is no mother there is no sister and there is no brother. Running to no one but running for cover.
In the valleys and the twilight under the new moon, I write in my book and I walk the streets
where no one lives. Not even you but you don't mind. And all, and all I guess that there's so many things that we don't say and today you think that i don't even like
you. But don't you know YOU ARE MY WORLD,YOU ARE MY WORLD. Running to no one, left to each other. Running to lovers, running to strangers, running to cover, running to no one,left to each other.

8/23/2000 ~Paul

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Bri

Dear Bri,
Your brother, my friend, left a message on my machine. He was frantic saying you were talking crazy and that you wanted to do away with yourself. I guess he thought I'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth. And yes they're in shock .They are panicked. You and your chronic, them and their drama. You this embarrassment and us in the middle of this delusion. If we were our bodies, if we were our futures, if we were our defenses I'd be joining you. If we were our culture, If we were our leaders, If we were our denials then I'd be joining you. I remember vividly a day, years ago, we were camping, and you knew more than you thought you should know. You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling, you were intense. You were uncomfortable in your own skin. You were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful. If we were our nametags, if we were our rejections, if we were our outcomes I'd be joining you. If we were our indignities, if we were our successes, if we were our emotions I'd be joining you. You and I we're like 4 year olds. We want to know why and how come about everything. We want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive and question mightily. And find God. My tortured beacon, we need to find like-minded companions. If we were their condemnations, if we were their projections, if we were our paranoias I'd definitely be joining you. If we were our incomes, if we were our obsession, if we were our afflictions I'd be joining you. We need reflection. We need a really good memory. Feel free to call me a little more often
Love Always,
Katie

So, apparently today I was 86'd. What in Goddesses name does 86'd mean? Yeah so anyhow, H calls me up at work and tells me that I am 86'd from him and his "club". So I talked to people about what the hell 86'd meant and they gave me an answer which was this. You go to a restaurant and order a burger but do not want a tomato on it. So the waitress tells the cook "Gimme a burger but 86 the tomato." So apparently his club is the burger and they don't want the tomato anymore. I am still laughing at that analogy. I found it quite humorous in fact. Thanks Liz. Ahhh but the thing about the whole Burger is that I like to call my burger "revenge". And you see a good friend once told me that Revenge is served best cold.....so....I intend to let my burger get ice cold and then serve it with a smile..... Payback is such a bitch H isn't it? You would think that a grown man (and I mean grown) would handle things maturely but Noooo not him. He has to be a big baby and fight viciously because I don't want to be with him anymore. It makes no sense to me and I am going to miss my dear friends in the club very much but I will eventually get over it. S and B and B and L...... Love you guys very much...it's too bad and I know you feel the same as I do.
I see it as a blessing in disguise.

On a lighter note, I am ready to jump directly off of the Tobin because I cannot get rid of this flu. I fought it all day with vitamins and orange juice and flu meds but I am dying here. Can someone please help me out here? A bullet maybe?

I have alot to do for the book. Alot of editing and I have not even started any of it. I took a few weeks off for sanity reasons. I got all of my "permission slips" signed. So most of the names are real names. Some have been changed because I did not receive any slips back or I could not locate them. Now I have to write in the 86'd part. That should be a fun chapter. I definitely won't be able to use real names for that but most of you will get the "jist". Dopey, Daffy, Dingy, dumby, and drunky. hahaha

I have never seen blue like I have today. I am tired and sincerely upset about this whole 86 thing. To be honest it does bother me a little because I have somewhat of a history with some of them. Especially the "younger" ones and the ones whom I did not have a relationship. One that I talk to on a daily basis and enjoy that. But now I cannot and yes it bothers me alot! I am a bit crushed but not because of H but because of the men I knew before him and established friendships with and now it is over. Just like that. One phone call is all it took and over something so unbelievably petty. Whatever makes H happy. He will be kicking himself in the ass sooner or later.........

It is funny how my day always seems to wrap up. I cook, clean, and settle Hannah down and then we lie down and snuggle. Tonight I will be all alone because she is staying at my moms because I have to work early tomorrow. Now my whole "routine" has been thrown through a loop. I am sort of lost and lonely. I might just go stay at my mom's tonight. hahah
I get nervous staying alone. Wahhhhhhh

I just got back from getting my manicure and pedicure and I need to strip the paint because I hate the color. The bitch put the wrong color on me. It looks terrible but I had no time to make her do it over. Oh well.

Well it looks as though my plans for the night have changed. I am going to stay here and my friend is going to come over and hang out with me for a few and now I can vent to her. Hopefully she can shed some humor upon me. I am aching to laugh.

My foundation was robbed. I feel unbelievably alone. I feel divinished.
Sad huh?


Banish him into a different zone
Make it so he will always roam
Banish him with all of your might
Make it known to me tonight
On the moons cusp
In the darkest light
Banish him Goddess with all of your might

I WANT TO BE WHERE YOU ARE

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be?
That you are here
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are here
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

...... Having a wicked dad day. I have thought about him all day long. I wonder every day if it will get easier with time and yet I still cry like it just happened. I sob like he died 4 minutes ago. I invision that day over and over again and it is so vivid to me. It is like a movie that plays over and over in my mind. I just want to push stop.

09/12/2001

YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
THAT IS ALL I CAN EVER SAY TO YOU
NOT MUCH LEFT FOR US TO DO
ME, INVOLVED AS ARE YOU

YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
FORBIDDEN IS WHAT IT IS TO BE
I SHALL NEVER LET MY WORDS STRAY
I WILL NEVER FORGET ABOUT YOU

YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
I WISH THE FEELING WOULD DIE
I FEEL LIKE I AM SMOTHERING
WHEN I CANNOT LOOK IN YOUR EYES

YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
EACH TIME I HEAR YOUR VOICE
BUT IT WILL NEVER BE
THIS WAS MY CHOICE

YOU TAKE MY EVERY BREATH AWAY
YOU MAKE ME GASP FOR AIR
THE WAY I'VE FELT FOR MANY YEARS
REMAINS ONLY IN MY CARE

I saw a rainbow just earlier today
Lately those rainbows hae been coming around everyday
Deep in the struggle I have found the beauty of me
Goddess is watching and the devil finally let me be
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

They're all looking at you, you've got everything to lose
Get up and dance girl, sing your tu-rah-loo-rah-loo
And quit bitching about how nobody really loves you
Spread your rubber loving and it bounces back to you
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

Flowers are blooming under gray skies and moons
Seems like I'm winning every time I lose
And the answers I been looking for have been here all this time
Spread my rubber loving and everything was fine
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

The Letter

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw, in the sun or underneath the stars
When I walk over to my money tree ther is noone there trying to take from me
When they ask "are you truly free"? I'd say "yes, truly".
But down here in reality everybody knows there is no such thing and it's clear
It's obvious, this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand it. I can't take anymore
So I know that I've got to go
so long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you some day soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon

All I ever wanted, love and the peace and the harmony
Just to be. To live and shine
When I get ready I up and fly
And I can't remember none of the things that I want to forget
It's the best satisfaction no less
Ask if I'm free and I'll say "oh yes".
But down here in reality everybody knows
there is no such thing and it's clear
It's obvious this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand it. I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a headache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon

Before I do
Just one more look at you
It's worth the stay
But I'll meet you later at the better place
All I ever wanted was........ ........ ........

I have gone beyond the moon

The Ballad of Ruby

My baby used to work at this place downtown
Just a fine young girl with big dreams
Trying to make her own way
The owner is this mean ole bitch who degraded her everyday
Then she fires her for no reason
Don't wanna give her her last weeks pay
I've committed murder and I think I got away
I'm hiding at my mother's house come get me right away
I have no intention of paying for my crimes don't fear
We're gonna get the next plane outta here and
fly away, fly away

When she's down it breaks my heart to see her
So I figured I'd talk to her man to woman
I walk in and she's counting her cash
Got so much cash her office looks like a green pasture
I said, "give her the little bit of money you owe her".
She said "get back bastard I ain't givin you shit".
I said "you ole bag, maybe you ain't heard but
those are fighting words".
I've committed murder and I think I got away
I'm hiding at my mother's house come and get
me right away, right away
I have no intention of paying for my crime don't fear
We're gonna get the next plane outta here and
fly away, fly away.

And I don't feel bad about it
See baby there was this struggle
And I don't feel bad about it
As a result of our struggle
And I don't feel bad about it
But the good thing is
And I don't feel bad about it
We don't have to struggle no more
With a suitcase full of money
We flew to a Carribean paradise
One thing I've learned through all of this is
Having money sure is nice
Me and my baby will be free

Well my baby lives somewhere in a small lil' town
A cute little house with her baby girl
She had this man who came around, well this man was no good
He yelled and cursed and banged on her door
I heard my baby cry and I swore it was the last time
I went to pay a short visit to him
And he stood over six feet tall
I asked him to please leave her alone or he will see me again
Well he just laughed and cursed at me
He told me she was his property and to mind my own
That is when he hit the floor

She's working hard to make her dreams come true
As far as regrets I don't have any
Would you?
I've committed murder and I think I got away
I'm hiding at my mother's house come get me
right away, right away
I have no intention of paying for my crimes
don't fear
We're gonna get the next plane outta here
and fly away, fly away

My Baby

"Baby"

I don't remember feeling like this...
Baby I love you.
I got this jones forming in my bones ...from a man
who indeed took over my soul,... understand
I couldn't breathe if he ever said ...he would leave
get on my knees until they're bloody red ...baby please
see I don't think that you get it yet...just don't know
He's like the lighter to my cigarette... watch me smoke
I never knew another human life...didn't know
can have the power to take over mine
So baby ,I love it when I hear your name
See, I could never feel alone with you ...in my life
I'd give up everything I own for you...won't think twice
almost a shame how I'm mesmerized... such a shame
I lose my thoughts looking in your eyes ...I know why
because your kisses make my lips quiver and ...that's real
and when you touch me my whole body shivers...I can feel
now I can see how another life... another life
you have the power to take over mine cause your my baby
Baby, I can't see my worth...I can't see
living here on God's green earth,
you don't know what you've done to me ... done to me
I never thought I'd need you desperately...desperately
it's kind of sick how I'm stuck on you...stuck on you
but I don't care cause I'm needing you...I'm needing you
and how I feel will remain the same ...remains the same
cause your're my baby....you are my baby
when the world starts to stress me out ...where do I run
it's to you boy without a doubt...you're the one
who keeps me sane and I can't complain ...Can't complain
you're like a drug you relieve my pain ....may seem strange
you're like the blood flowing through my vain
keeps me alive and feeding my brain
now this is how another human life ...another life
could have the power to take over mine cause your my baby

As we prepare for the tides of Yule, finished with our gift shopping,
baking, and decorating, we await the coming of the growing light that
accompanies the Sun's return! The seasonal turn of Halloween is behind
us, but here I'm busy preparing for Next years events.
Hopefully everyone's Holidays, be it Yule, Christmas whatever, were exceptional.
The moons cusp in the next few days will be extraordinary and happiness should be in the "cards" for all who believe.
I feel extra happy today in fact. I had an overwhelmingly happy Christmas. I was quite the spoiled brat. I got everything that I wanted and more.
I am looking forward to star gazing this weekend...... It is going to be a wide open sky and I have heard of a possible full moon also.
I did my deed today in the "educating through literature" department.
I sent a few of my close friends some literature on Wicca and Shamanism in hopes that their minds will be opened more and they will better understand the "culture".
I hope everyone had a great "Holiday", whatever their beliefs and I look forward to entering the new year with good and positive spirits with all of my loved ones.
Talk to everyone soon.
I think I am the only one besides Tony who had to work today!!
WTF????
This completely sux.
Love ya
Ruby / Katie Anne

YULE

Yule Blessings to all

In this stressful time of world events to shopping, traffic and long lines in the stores, Let us take time to remember and reflect upon all that is truly important. Love and Peace. Caring and cherishing your loved ones, a little kindness for someone less fortunate than youself , we are on this earth for such a short time, make each moment count. Take a small precious moment in time to do just one helpful or kind gesture for someone. This could create a circle of kindness bringing, just a little happiness, to that disgruntled person who is always complaining.

Love to you all
Merry Partings!
Ruby

VIXEN

So I have had atleast 14 episodes of Road Rage today already and it isn't even 2 o'clock pm yet. I almost got out of my car on a few occasions and commited battery on a few people. DRIVE will ya??? I cannot stand it anymore. Then I am at Filene's and I am waiting and waiting and waiting in this long and quite obnoxious line. There was this bitch of a woman 2 people behind me saying "I only have this bottle of cologne and this pocket book, These people should just let me go ahead of them, I have to get back to work. This is so stupid. What did they buy the whole damn store. That is so rude."
I turned around so fast and said "You know what, I only have a bottle of cologne too and you are being extremely rude". And she continued with "Why don't you shut up."....and mumbled "I wasnt talking to you white girl". Which of course infuriated me and I just laughed and mumbled ....well we won't publish what I mumbled o.k? But I think for the people who know me well...you will know exactly what I mumbled. Stupid Bitch.... Just complete trash. The kind of woman with 8 kids with 8 different fathers and lives off of the state. Ya catch my drift???? I was talking to my friend Rob on the phone and he was like "You are such a Vixen". hahaha I haven't heard that word in a while but I just hate arrogant and ignorant people. They completely suck.
Well not only did that put a damper on my fa la la la la mood, When I get to the register finally, the broad at the counter has no more register tape and she has to wait for someone to bring it there. I was wigging. So I am running around like a crazy woman during work hours of course, trying to finish everything up. Just when I think I am all done.... I remember one more person. Hannah has WAY TOO MUCH stuff. SHe is going to get so overwhelmed.... I cannot wait to see what I got. I am so anxious.
Anyway, Tonight is the MEGA BASH at my Mom's. Anyone who is ANyone will be attending. It is always an exceptional gathering. Full of cheer and beer and tons and tons of food and liquor... Just a pleasurable time. I am so siked for Santa. I cannot wait..........
I hope everyone has a Great Holiday season. And Of Course A Happy New YEAR!!! That is also going to be a great night.
Talk to everyone after the Holidays.
Love ya!
Ruby
P.S. Ed, I am sorry you are so miserable... Come to my mom's house tonight for the PARTY.... You are more than welcome o.k.?

CAN YOU SAY LEXIE LAMOUR???

Besides the fact that I was nursing a serious cold/flu this weekend I must admit Saturday night was exceptional. We made a positive visit to Alex's and when I tell you how much fun I had...it would be an understatement. We of course have a few gorls we are familiar with and friendly with whom showed us a V.I.P. time and then the feature was one of my favorite adult stars Lexie Lamour. We became fast friends with Lexie. We even exchanged phone numbers with her. She is amazing. We talked at length about my all time favorite chicky Traci Lords. She filled me in on some dirt that I never knew about. We were treated as if we were super stars. As we were leaving the club at closing, we were thanked by all of the ladies there because apparently we had an expensive night. It was fantastic. I have some photographs that the Alex's staff was so kind to take that will quite frankly make all the men quiver.
At any rate, my Holiday shopping is complete. I think that this year is most likely the last year that Hannah will believe in Santa Claus so I am saddened. I am going overboard with presents for her this year and I can honestly say that it soothes me to spoil her to the core. She is so wonderful and she deserves the world. She is so giving and caring and I love her more than my life. We were cleaning her bedroom Sunday night together and she says to me " Mommy, do you think that maybe we can pack up some of these toys and give them to the poor?" She is so loving and she cares so much about the earth. She hates litter and she picks it up as much as possible. She loves the earth which is intriguing to me because of my Wiccan beliefs. Even though I do not share any of that with her, it seems as if she is leaning towards the worship of the earth. I am the type of person who believes that parenting is in the eye of the beholder so to speak. I raise my daughter cautiously but very open mindedly. I do not shelter her. I tell her the truth about the world and the going ons. I let her speak her mind no matter what it is and I feel as though that is the best way ...in my eyes. I keep it open and honest. Anyway I feel as though it is her choice in what SHE wants to believe in. Not me. I raise her spiritually and she is happy as am I.

On another subject. I was reading a blogger last week that made me both laugh and then made me feel the exact same way. A friend of mine, Ed Carvalho www.edwardjcarvalho.com has the most intriguing blogs ever. I read them daily. He is a poet and a writer and also an incredible singer/musician. He is very much an inspiration to me in alot of ways. His blogs are both fascinating and intriguing. Anyway, please check out his blogger if you would. It is so extremely poetic and alot of his poetry hits home for me.

Here is an exerpt from one of his blogs:

DISLIKES - People who GOSSIP - let me refine that definition for you, troglodytes of the South Shore - that is to say, people whose lives are so utterly bereft of anything eventful - of redeeming value - that they are forced to climb on the backs of the strong and tie themselves hitherto like a barnacle-ridden buoy. You are lower than a paper tiger: you are a cardboard parasite and I despise you for your very existence. From me to you - go back to your TV guide, your sitcoms, your brand-name trinktets and GET A FUCKING LIFE, tapeworms.
Posted on www.edwardjcarvalho.com by Ed 12-18-2003

That is just the start of his rant. He is quite humorous...but very serious.
I am off to finish up my last minute stuff.....during work hours of course.
Talk to you all soon.
Ed Carvalho, You ROCK!

Ruby

DREAMS

I am finally able to sit down "stress-free" and blog. I wish I had more time ...seriously I do. I say this yet I was just thinking of picking up another part time job..... yeah you heard me correctly, as if 2 jobs aren't sufficient already...let me get a third job. Christmas is killing me, my house just will not stay tidy and I have 400 pounds of laundry begging me to clean it. I am so frustrated. At any rate I am relaxed and less stressed today. IT seems as though all of my stress is "melting" away...slowly but definitely surely. I could definitely go for a vacation. A REAL vacation but I won't fuss even if it is only for a few days. I am not picky. I just need to get out of here for a while.
DREAM DREAM DREAM is all I can really do. Whether it happens or not is not the point. I was talking to Tony tonight and I was expressing my stress and aggravation I was enduring at the moment and he didn't even flinch. He only chuckled and sort of relaxed me really. It was a great thing actually. It seems as though I am less stressed when he surrounds me. I tend to let things go more. Excellent if I do say so myself. Tony got me dreaming of a "better" place...a better kind of life. What could be better than a life with my beautiful daughter, my health and her health and a nice home over our heads you might ask? Well a stainless steel kitchen, a larger home, a new car and me having only a part time job perhaps with the health of myself and my daughter and the man I love. Now that would be an ideal life. Is that really too much to ask? I am not asking for billions. Just a different sort of life with a little more gifts. DREAM DREAM DREAM. I hope someday I do get my stainless steel kitchen.. hahah Sounds so petty looking back at my dreams for a stainless steel kitchen but I am not asking for much at all if you think about it ahahha... Whatever
Does anyone believe in Destiny? In Fate? Is there really "ONE" special person out there for each of us? If so what are the odds of actually finding them? Or finding yourself back with them after a decade? Rare right?
I am a true believer now and I could not have asked to run into a better person in the world. I could not have ever imagined that "fate" would take a turn for the best this time. I was always confident I would find him again. In fact I thought of him constantly if not every day it was atleast weekly. I sometimes find myself pinching my forearm thinking that it is not real. After all of these years...and yet I feel as tyhough I have never left his side when I am around him. There is never an awkwardness or an feeling of discomfort. My heart has never fluttered like this and when I look back on all of the "loves" I thought I had I want to chuckle because I never really knew what it felt like to love or be loved. I thought I did but I never did. It was just preparation for the real thing which is what I am feeling ever since that cold Sunday morning that he fell back into my life. What an incredible moment. I will never be the same again.

POURING RAIN

Ever been so agitated and confused that you just wanted to scream. I am so unbelievably stressed out and I am just wigging. I feel like there is just not enough time in a day to actually get anything I want to do. This is extremely frustrating to me. I need like 4 more hours in a day. Seriously. I wake up, fly to work by 7, work until 5:30-6 and then go pick Hannah up, make dinner and then Bed time. You would think that my Christmas tree would be up and decorated but Noooo it's not because I don't have 2 minutes to my self. My phone never ever ever stops ringing. I have to cook dinner, I have to help Han with homework, I try to do laundry and basic clean up but I mean I will be up past midnight every night if I seriously cleaned the crib. Oh and Christmas Shopping hahahahah thats funny. When do u think I should squeeze that in? Before or after my nervous break down. It is so pathetic how much I am complaining considering it could very well be worse. i mean I could not have a house to clean, I could not have a beautiful daughter to help with homework, and I could be jobless. Yeah things could definitely be worse!
My friends are starting to wonder if I am alive and if not that they are curious if I found God or something because I have not been out in a while. I don't care to hang out at a bar with 6 of my girlfriends and sit around gossiping about everyone else because "Noone is better than us". I don't like to get so belligerently drunk that I can't see when I leave the place. I don't want to hang around club houses anymore. No more after hours partying for me.... oh boy I am such a grandma.... but still. I would rather have the chickys over my house, watch a movie and just relax with some beers or wine. i am so gay I know but whatever.
I want to settle down and feel stable. I am ready to buy a house, settle down with a nice man who loves me and Hannah, travel with him, rent a beach house in the summer and seriously just be so incredibly happy that it hurts. I am so tired of the bar scene and the dating. I hate it in fact. It bothers me. I am sitting here at work despising my job, hiding from this Gosh Darn family of mice we have here, and I just wanna go home and sit on my comfy couch and watch Lifetime for the rest of the day. Wahhhhhhhh I am just ready to turn the page of this part of my life and start over with a fresh chapter. Do you know what I mean? Well at any rate. I am going home and I have a few haircuts and colors to do at home and then I am supposed to go out with Tony for some drinks or whatever. Not quite sure if we are definitely going. I would like to but I have not heard back from him yet. I have to go have a cigarette and shoot the shit with Justin and Larry out back. They have a funny story for me and I cannot wait to hear it. Talk to you all soon. eewwwww it is so pouring rain right now! And my hair is straight today too. Shit!
Ba Bye!
Rubes

Again

I've been searching for you
I heard a cry within my soul
I never had a yearning quite like this before
Now that you are walking right through my door

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

A sacred gift of heaven
For better worse wherever
And I would never let somebody break you down
Or take your crown, never

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

I've searched through time, I've always known
That you where there, upon your throne
A lonely king, without his queen
I've longed for you, my love forever

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

~Lenny Kravitz

HOw to explain my weekend.... hmmmmm I am going to have to go with unexplainable. I had a very good weekend with T.A. and I am getting a little bit nervous. We were like newlyweds all weekend pretty much. We went out Saturday for some dinner and some drinks. We had some great conversations. Then we walked out of the restaurant to the Blizzard of 78'. It was just ridiculous. We went back to his house and watched some t.v. Talked more and more and more and then we slept. I slept so late it was almost embarrasing. I woke up and made meatballs and then cooked him and his roommates some ziti. We ate and watched more tv and just did absolutely nothing. It was an awesome kind of nothing.
I said earlier that I am getting nervous... well let me explain further. Tony and I were boyfriend and girlfriend throughout most of my high school days. We were really compatible and when people have recently asked me why we broke up... I don't really have an answer. In fact when Tony and I discuss that we seem to think that we never did actually break up. Funny huh? Anyway. My point is that it is almost as if we never stopped being together. IT is like we have been together for 10 years when we are with eachother. Atleast that is how I feel about it. We have this amazing chemistry. It is not easy to explain this. I literally fell into him a few weeks ago. I thought for sure that I would never ever see him again. It is funny how fate works because I truly believe that we were meant to be. We just needed to grow up a little and explore our options so to speak. I don't want to jinx it or get too far in my mind about it but I just do not want to ruin it or somehow screw it all up. We both have talked about the future and we both know exactly what we want and I feel as though I will make him completely happy and he already makes me happy.... so I can only imagine. It definitely seems too good to be true but I am not going to believe in that any more. I just want things to work out and remain happy with him. So far so good and I am going to take it one day at a time. Slowly but Surely...ya know? Well I am off to Yoga and I am bumming because I slept on my neck wrong last night and I am in complete agony. My neck is so sore so hopefully I can do an exercise that will release the knot and the tension.
I will blog as soon as I get home.. I have alot more to say but I wanted to keep this blog positive... I will blog the negative in the next.
See ya soon!

To my Baby Girl Hannah Emily, My light, my love

Quietly while you were asleep
The moon and I were talking
I asked that she'd always keep you protected
She promised you her light
That you so gracefully carry
You bring your light and shine my morning
And then the wind pours the clouds across the moon
Your light fills the darkest room
I can see the miracle that keeps us from falling
She promised all these sweetest gifts
That only the heavens could bestow
You bring your light and shine my morning
And as you so gracefully sleep
My life, as long as you live
I'll always remember this moon

LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW

So it is a complete blizzard out there and I have already been in the back yard on the quad. Hannah and I made a snowman. He did not stay together long so I told Hanny that we need to wait until the morning when it is a little more stiff.... I had a very long night last night. We have been trying to shake things up on my web site. Ya know give it a little kick. I have been getting so much shit from people because of my lack of blogging lately. I have not had any time. On one hand I get criticized and on the other hand I am getting yelled at for not blogging. I just can never win.
I know that I have this charasmatic way about writing and it intrigues people..shit it sometimes intrigues me. I have always been one to shock people and to make people fluster when I walk into a room but people seem to forget the fact that when I am "journaling" in my blog, I am in another world. I just spit it out ya know? There is no holding back... nothing stops me. I mean recently yes.. I have sort of edited or blocked alot of things but that is for my own protection in alot of ways. I do publish it on the web but alot of the stuff is very sacred and very personal. You also have to take account that I am also not the only person who blogs on here. 98% of the Blogs are mine, or my poetry or my song lyrics or my favorite songs bla bla bla but I have friends who also like to vent pursae and I like to help them do that. My blogger has been hit over five thousand times and it is so boggling to me. Some people have condemned me for my blogs and called me some harsh names but it is amusing just how many people are actually really interested in what I have to say.
Anyway. I have decided to be myself again and just let it all out. No holds par. I am not going to let people get to me. I don't give a shit what people think. I never ever have so what changed this time. I am just foolish.
Things have been looking up lately. I feel as if a new day has come ... ya know? I am happy. I am getting into the Christmas Spirit big time. I am such a snow bunny. It's funny because this is the "ususal depressing" time for many people and I am the exact opposite. I love the snow, the winter, even the cold. I enjoy sitting outside in a snow storm all bundled up and making snow angels. Hannah and I made them all morning long. I love the blankets of snow on the earth. IT is so cleansing to me. I love looking out the window watching the flakes fall gracefully to the ground. That is relaxing to me. I absolutely feel so refreshed when it snows. I don't even mind being outside cleaning the vehicle off or warming it up. I love the feel of snow on my face and on my tongue. It is definitely arousing. It is a beautiful part of nature. The winter is the most "sanitary" time of year. It sterilizes everything. It cleanses the world. I just cannot stress enough how much that I love winter. Oh and skiing..... COME ON NOW. It is my pleasure. IT is my joy. If I could live on a snow mountain for the rest of my life I would be ecstatic.
Enough of my rambling about my love for the winter time. I am going out with Tony and Dave tonight. I am excited to see Dave again. I have not seen him since ...goddess, it has to be 9 years. WOW. I was sitting with Tony and I made him call him for old times sake and he did and apparently they made plans for tonight.
I went over Tony's house last night and we had dinner and just lay on the couch together and watched the snow fall. It was awesome. His room mates are wicked cool. Their house is awesome! I am trying to talk Tony into letting me decorate a Christmas tree and put some sort of decorations up for the holiday. His roommate Chris brought home some beautiful poinsettias and they look really nice....but they need a tree to wake up to on Christmas Day!
Anyway, I am really loving the fact that Tony and I have reunited. It is like we never left eachother when we are together. I know I am nuts but I seriously do enjoy being with him. We sat on the couch and talked and watched t.v. had some chinese food and just talked. IT was great. I like to do "nothing". It is a comfort thing. I always did feel comfortable with him. I hope this time around, now that we are alot more mature, we don't let it slip away again.
I have a feeling that I am not going to let him get away this time. (Hold on tight Tony...I am tough) you know that already though. hahaha Speaking of that... The shit I used to put him through all those years back and he still put up with me...and he still talks to me now!!! My poor Tony. Well let me just say that the torture was mutual...but we were young and stupid...we didnt know. Anyway, I have to go jump in the shower and get ready... I have to call Tony right now to figure out whats up for tonight. It is a blizzard out and I don't want to drive so we will probably just hang at his house tonight with Dave and play pool and watch t.v. or not.. Who knows. They might want to go out..... I say we just light the fireplace, chill out and hang in.... but I am sure we are going to go out. Whatever we do it is going to be awesome!!!
Talk to everyone soon and please be safe.. It is bad driving out there.
Love,
Katie

45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what your told
Keep these feelings no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart?
Swallow that pain as he slowly fell apart
And I am staring down the barrel of a 45
Swimming through the ices of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
Get a box high upon the shelf
Left for you, no one else
There is piece of a puzzle known as life
wrapped in bows and silver ties
What ever happened to the old man's heart
Swallowed that pain as he slowly fell apart
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
Nobody knows what I believe
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45
I am swimming through the ashes of another life

OUTLAW MAN

I am an outlaw, I was born an outlaw's son
The highway is my legacy
On the highway I will run
In one hand I've a knife
In the other I've got a gun
Well, don't you know me
I'm the man who won
Woman don't try to love me
Don't try to understand
A life upon the road is the life of an outlaw man

First left my woman, it was down in Santa Fe
Headed for Oklahoma, I was ridin' night and day
All of my friends are strangers,
They quickly come and go

And all my love's in danger,
'Cause I steal hearts and souls
Woman, don't try to love me
Don't try to understand A life upon the road is the life of an outlaw man
oo....

Woman, don't try to love me
Don't try to understand
A life upon the road is the life of an outlaw man

Some me call me Abel,
Some men call me Cain,
Some men call me sinner, Lord
Some men call me saint

Some say there's a Jesus
Some men say there ain't
When you got no life to lose
Then there's nothin' left to gain
Outlaw man
Outlaw man

The previous post was a letter I received in the mail yesterday. I am not sure who it is from but not many people know where my new house is... And the letter was not forwarded from my old house. hmmmmmmmmmm It was not signed so whoever you are, you write beautifully but can you please unmask yourself. It has been driving me nuts all day. Anyway, speaking of nuts, My boss and I had a very long and tedious meeting today. We talked about everything under the sun. He has decided that he wants me at job sites 2-3 days a week and only in the office Mondays and Fridays. Ahhhhhh I am not digging this at all. He told me he would of course cover the gas and give me a car allowance on top of my salary but still....... COME ON!!! So I said I would try it out but I don't like being cold and being on the road. I mean it is alot better than sitting in an office all day long so hmmmm who knows. I may like it. Anyway I had to go outside and smoke a few cigarettes and walk in the yard for awhile to soak it all in.
It's so funny because I was talking to Liz last night and I was telling her that it seems as if ever since I turned 27 that I feel more relaxed and in control. Since my birthday it almost seems as if I have aged mentally. I don't have the urge to go out drinking constantly, I am actually looking forward to sitting in my house more often and remodeling and painting. Especially since it is Christmas time. I have already pulled out the decorations from the attic and attempted to put things out but I changed my colors this year. My living room is painted terracotta so I am going to get Martha Stewart Country on my tree....which means I have to buy some new stuff. Which means .. yeah I pretty much have to buy all new Christmas stuff. I have my frosted glass snowmen which look really cute with the color and I am going to start hanging the wooden shelves. bla bla bla I know you definitely do not want to hear about my ideas for decor. hahah Sorry. Anyway, I am going over Tony's house tonight. I am siked because I have not hung out with him in a long time and it should be so fun. I look forward to our conversations. I am off to go see what's going on outside and have a ciggie with Jax and Peter. I will be back later I think... if I get home from his house early enough.
Talk to you soon....
Love,
Ruby xo

My dear Katie,

There are things in life that are inevitable; I am powerless to control them. The Sun will rise and set, the tide will come in and go out, the seasons will change, the birds will fly South for the winter and return in the spring, and the caterpiller will transform itself into a beautiful butterfly. Somehow, I feel reassured by this because many other things in life are so transient - so momentary.

Baby, from the moment we met, I knew that our friendship would develop into something lasting and precious, just as I am sure that the caterpiller will one day become a beautiful butterfly.

Dearest, I believe that our love is blessed by God. It is a union of two spirits destined for everlasting happiness. Thus, you have truly become the star of my life which brings me light in this dark world, and warmth when I need it. You offer me the promise of renewal, the joy of living, the peace of mind that comes from sharing and caring, and that shoulder to lean on in times of stress. You are my Swallow from Capistrano - my precious butterfly, and I will cherish you and love you forever.

Noone's Fool

Fall back. Take a look at me. And you'll see I'm for real. I feel what only I can feel. And if that does not appeal to you, Let me know, and I'll go because I flow better when my colors show, and that's the way it has to be. Honestly. Because creativity could never bloom in my room.
I'd throw it all away before I lie. So don't call me with a compromise. Hang up the phone. I've got a backbone stronger than yours.
If you're trying to turn me into someone else, Its easy to see I'm not down with that. I'm not anybody's fool. If you're trying to turn me into something else, I've seen enough and I'm over that. I'm nobody's fool. If you wanna bring me down, go ahead and try. You don't know. You think you know me like yourself, but I fear that you're only telling me what I wanna hear. But do you give a damn? Understand that I can't not be what I am. I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon. Its not a simple hearing, but not so soon. I might've fallen for that when I was fourteen and a little more green, but its amazing what a couple of years can mean. Go ahead and try.
Try and look me in the eye but you'll never see inside until you realize. Realize things are trying to settle down. Just try to figure out exactly what I'm about. If its with or without you. I don't need you doubting me. Would you be laughing out loud If I played to my own crowd. Try.

It's the first time I ever felt this lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
It's funny when you think its gonna work out
Until you chose Stubborness over me, you're so lame
I thought you were cool until the point
But up until the point you didn't call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
You're too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when I ignored you
So I thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning
'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

But everytime I try to make you smile
You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You stand like a stone
Alone in your zone
Is it too much that I'm asking for?

Can't find where I am
Lying here
Alone I fear
Afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again

To EDDIE

MAKE ME GO AWAY
All that I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

No, I just don't understand why
you won't talk to me
It's hurts that I'm so unwanted for nothing
Don't talk words against me
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

Make me go away

I tried to belong
It didn't seem wrong
My head aches
Its been so long
I'll write this song
If that's what it takes

Make me go away

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real. Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you? Why'd you turn away? Here's what I have to say. I was left to cry there, waiting outside grinning with a lost stare. That's when I decided why should I care? Because you weren't there when I was scared. I was so alone. You, you need to listen. I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip, and I'm in this thing alone.
Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place? When you turn around can you recognize my face? You used to love me, you used to hug me. But that wasn't the case. Everything wasn't ok. I was left to cry there,waiting outside, grinning with a lost stare. I'm crying out loud. Open your eyes. Open up wide
Why should I care?

Your lost words whisper slowly, to me
Still can’t find what keeps me here
But all this time I’ve felt so hollow, inside
I know your still there…
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you hold me down
Fearing you, loving you
I won’t let you hold me down
Haunting you, I can smell you, alive
Your heart pounding in my head
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you hold me down
Seeing me, raping me
Watching me
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you hold me down
Fearing you, loving you
I won’t let you hold me down.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When I cried you’d wipe away all of my tears
When I’d scream you’d fight away all of my fears
And you held my hand through all of these years
But you still have me
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it hurts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...

HEY ANTHONY!!!
THAKS FOR MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!! YOU ROCK BABY!!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU!!! YOU ARE SO MY BESTEST FRIEND EVER!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JERKY!!!!!!

"REALITY SLAP IN THE FACE WEEKEND"

Relax Time! I have had an eventful few days. My birthday was yesterday and I must say it was fun! I had a "reality slap in the face weekend" if you know what I mean. I have actually convinced myself that the men I have been involved with recently are not for me. I have decided to just be alone. I am not happy with any arrangement and I know I will never be happy living like that. Things with H and I have not been good lately and Brian and I are completely over. I cannot even begin to explain all of this to people who do not know or understand me so you can leave the rest up to your own imaginations. I went out with Liz and my boss last night. It was very good for me because I was able to listen to open minded and stable people who had no opinions except the truth and their very own observations. I was extremely relieved to hear what they had to say because I am so tired of people saying only what I want to hear. I feel as though I am cleansed and refreshed from all of this madness. IT has not been easy dating H and I really can't say that I have enjoyed being involved with him very much. He is a great guy and is solid in alot of ways. BUT.... I cannot settle for being #2 nor will I ever settle and I just do not trust what he says about it. He will never change in that aspect and I cannot settle for that. I cannot digest the past few months at all really. It sickens me to the bone that I have put up with the madness and insanity this long and I just seriously had to slam on the brakes. It will only hurt for a minute but it is time for me to be alone and explore my options....which brings me to the next incident that may or may not have assisted me in the "reality slap in the face weekend". I am driving to Dunkin' Donuts early Sunday Morning. I am watching this guy move a box into an apartment and I stop short because this man was my high school sweetheart whom I have not laid eyes on in years. I stop and yell "Tony?" and he was like hey!! And ran over to the truck. We chatted and exchanged numbers. He was going to come out with us last night for my birthday but he ended up going to bed. As I was walking into my house tonight the phone was ringing and it was him. So we talked and reminisced and "caught up" with everything we have missed with eachother. It was a long but interesting conversation and we laughed alot. I mean he was my boyfriend my entire high school years. We had a very touch and Go kind of relationship and as he put it earlier tonight "You are the only relationship I have had that was not a complete disaster". And I can only agree with him. We put eachother through hell but we were so young and immature. Now that we look back at it there was alot more great times than bad. We had more fun. At any rate, we have plans for Wednesday night. I am going over to see his house. Apparently it is a really fun house so I can't wait. I am eager to hang out with him and establish a strong friendship with him again. Because we were together through tumultuous times and we saw eachother through them and I am so glad that even though we let years pass us by, we still are civil enough to always pick up where we left off so to speak. I hope that we will get close again and not let years go by again.
Anyway, I am going to mop the kitchen floor and dust the wood floors. My house is a DISASTER after all of the parties I threw this weekend....Small parties of course but messy ones. It was my birthday so I have the right to have a bender ok? I have a few more paragraphs left in Chapter 21 of "Ruby's Fire". This chapter is an interesting one. I cannot wait for this book to be complete. I feel like I have been journaling my life forever!!!! I am getting a little antsy and bored. ahahah That's the ADD in me. haha I can never finish anything. There lies in the problem maybe!! Ahhhh.... time for some wine, slippers and my mop. I have got to tidy this place up. I can't sleep unless the floor is slept and I am already tired. I am so completely bummed out about SKIN. I am so pissed off that it is cancelled!! I am off to be the Domestic Diva that I can be sometimes and make my floor shine. Talk to everyone soon!
HAve a good night!
Katie