Sometimes I feel as though I am in this haze that will not lift. I am so completely dragging myself today and I am cursing my boss out for making me stay until 5 pm. tonight . I am seriously beginning to despise my job. I have disagreed with it for sometime but now I think it is retchid. I am completely miserable and I don't want to work here anymore. I was just relaxing with my feet on my desk and looking out the window at the shitty weather and I am just aggitated and bothered. I feel like I am suffocating. I don' t really like feeling like I have a pillow over my face either. And this is the only way I can describe how I feel lately about my career. I feel as though I am gasping for air all day long.

This is my life. It's not what it was before. All of these feelings I've shared. And these are my dreams that I'd never lived before. Somebody shake me because I must be sleeping.
Now that we're here, it's so far away. All the struggle we thought was in vain and all the mistakes, one life contained. They all finally start to go away and now that I am here, it's so far away and I feel like I can face the day. And I can forgive and I'm not ashamed to be the Person that I am today. These are my words that I've never said before. I think I'm doing okay. And this is the smile that I've never shown before somebody shake me because I think I am dreaming.
I'm so afraid of waking. Please don't shake me

You don't know what you've put me through
It's okay, I've forgiven you
But in some way, hope it fucks with you
I seriously hope it fucks with you

That I'm okay and I've made it through
But who's to say
What you're going through
I say no names
Though I've wanted to
Isn't it strange how it seems like...
Yesterday, a chic and already afraid
Locked deep inside, my place to hide
To hide from how you made me feel
And I wonder how's your brother
Did he end up fucked up like me?
Lost in himself, crying for help
It's safe to say

I learned to live without a pride
Just a shell, with me stuck inside
A prison, not a place to hide
Not a place to hide
But I'm okay and I've made it through
But who's to say
What you're going through
I say no names
Though I've wanted to
Isn't it strange how it seems like..
Yesterday, a girl and already afraid
Locked deep inside, my place to hide
To hide from how you made me feel
And I wonder how's your brother
Did he finally pull through like me?
Finding himself, not needing help
I'd like to say

I HAD THE BEST TWO DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE....... THAT IS ALL I CAN REALLY SAY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO JINX IT.... I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. :)

AEROSMITH WITH KISS

My life could not possibly get any better.
I am going to see Aerosmith and Kiss tomorrow night. I am so unbelievably pumped. I cannot wait. H gave me my birthday present early and he is taking me there... woo hoo... I was trying so hard to get those tickets.... Love him!!!!

yeah well I didnt make it into Boston Satirday night. We ended up in Providence. GOOD TIMES BABY!! We went to Ri Ra's and Blakes and then last but most certainly not least.... The Complex. I was on top of the bar and misbehaving and completely having the best time and I turn and look and you all know who is standing right in front of me with his friggan pointer finger pointing me down from the bar. ahhhhhh I am just never free to be me!!! I had such a great time though. even after that insanity. It is quite hysterical now looking back at the entire night.
At any rate, I am now at work and I am trying to download some quotes from scar face but to no avail.... I want some Soprano's quotes also because Jackie and I sit in our office all day playing funny quotes from movies and laugh all day. I mean we work very hard and we are always busy BUT the minority of the day is spent online downloading music and funny quotes. Ahhhahahaha And we sit on the phone pranking Allison and Liz all day. Yeah we get paid for this. ahhaha
OOhhhh goodie.. The scarface quotes have arrived.. time to download. Talk to everyone shortly.

The White Stripes were incredible last night. We had a blast and then went to visit H at the Club house. I watched Gangs of New York there and I have to remember to buy that movie because there were alot of distractions and I missed alot of it. I am off to Boston tonight. Most likely to Clark's or to Level. I hope to run into Anthony. I miss him very much.
Anyway, there goes the relaxing evening I intended on. Yeah. Like that is ever going to happen. Renae and I are all booked for the day at the spa November 29th... the day before my birthday. I cannot wait. It should be a delight. Facials, massages, bla bla bla. Well I am off. Have a lovely night

Dear James,
I am writing to you to thank you. A broken heart that you have given me is also an open heart. And having an open heart leaves room for alot of things. I am finally sure that out of all of the things this will bring me, Good things are all that is left.
So Thank you for breaking my heart.
Katie

It's My Life

Funny how I find myself
In love with you
If I could buy my reasoning
I would pay to lose
One Half won't do

I've asked myself how much do you have?
Commit yourself

It's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
It never ends

Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

I would tell myself what good do you do
Convince myself

It's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
It never ends

I would ask myself how much do you have?
Commit yourself

It's my life
Don't you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends

I find myself in question again
And I doubt this Love you've given to me
I hope you understand when I say
I need this time to myself

You speak your mind to me again
You force your words so deep within
You try to tell me how to live
But it's my life

I know your open arms too well
Cause I have lost myself there many times before
I need to slowly fall away
Far from the grip you have on me

You speak your mind to me again
You force your words so deep within
You try to tell me how to live
But it's my life
I find these words were never true
I've lost all my respect for you
I need to find my own way
It's my life

Gotta get away
One step away
Just one step away
I gotta get away you're pushing me away
I gotta get away
Well I'm gone

NO MORE DRAMA

Today started off well and hopefully will end well.
I spoke to my man and I was being foolish and paranoid as usual. He was just giving me some time and some space to soak everything up and I am so glad we talked.... And he has a present for me... He got me tickets to see Aerosmith and Kiss The night before Thanksgiving... I am so incredibly siked!!! He spoils me of course and I love it!!! I just love to be spoiled.
My day at work today was boring and I was completely usueless. This trip to Utah for "business" is going to be a well deserved and entertaining break from the office. I hopefully will get some time to ski and maybe some shopping in for Christmas. There is this fabulous Harley Davidson store there and I cannot wait to clean them out. I know alot of people I know that do not have Salt Lake City Harley attire...including myself except for the one tank I got last year when I was visiting. So the meeting I figure will be over around 2 pm ish and my flight will leave for Logan at 8pm and I will have plenty of time to shop and shop and maybe a quick run down a mountain. I am packing my skis just in case I have the urge. I will skip the shopping if thats the case.
I still have a pass from when I was there in March. I believe it is a season pass which I hope since it is only Nov. will still be included. We;ll see. I am sure I can talk them into it. (wink). I feel really good today and I am very confident in tomorrow and every day after. I had a long long talk with Pierre last night and I have decided to just remain positive. I am no longer going to let people bring me down. No more drama! hahaha ANTHONY.. can you believe I am actually saying that? No More Drama... I am starting to sound loke MAry J huh?... But without all of my drama what would you guys have to read all day long while you are supposed to be working? Speaking of working and making money... My birthday is 11 days away... Save up. GAGS... You better buy me something... You owe me something.
I am off ot bed. I have a busy day tomorrow.
Talk to everone soon.
Love,
Katie

NONE OF YOU

Surrounded by familiar faces with no name
None of them know me
Or want to share my pain
They only wish to bask in my light
Then fade away
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in vain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades away
They'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there

WILL & GRACE ( PIERRE & KATE)

Ahhhhh
I drank the wine, I took a bath and I am cozy in my jammies. I am so ready for my Cloud Bed. I am definitely going to get a good nights sleep. I had a bad day today and I am just soaking it in. I am still stressing about Hoss but there is nothing I can do. I vented to a few friends and I feel a little better because I know I did nothing wrong and I did not deserve this. I am going to stop blaming myself. H will realize what he has lost. Although it is a great loss to me... his is a lot larger.
I am off to cuddle with my gay friend Pierre. He came over to chat with me and see the new house. He loves my color choice for the living room. We have not spent quality time together since I worked in his salon and he was up the street at some cutting class and decided to drop in. Now we are going to sit together and talk. I love when he braids my hair. We are like 2 high school chics when we are together. He is awesome! I miss him muchly.
Well, Hannah is almost asleep. Her and Pierre are lounging watching Finding Nemo and I am just wrapping up a few things in Quick Books. I cannot wait to sleep soundly....
First Pierre...
Have a great evening.
Tomorrow is another day and I will be alot better I am sure.
Good Evening and Merry Partings
Love,
Katie
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxooxxooxxooxxooxxoxoxoxoxoxo

HARD PROMISES

I'm trying to believe in forever
I'm trying to believe in the little jewel box life we lead
Babe, I get so close sometimes
But all I really know is
I believe that we've been making hard promises to keep

You want me to believe in forever
Do you know how tight I'm holding
Just to keep my grip on yesterday?
I'm trying hard to see the pretty pictures that you paint for me
Do you know how tight I'm holding to hard promises to keep

Promises are like little diamonds
Promises are like little hearts
We meant to give away
I thought you'd want them back someday
I've kept them for you anyway
But I know when I've been given hard promises to keep

And you have given me Hard Promises to Keep babe

In another's eyes
You're someone who
Loves her enough to walk away from me
You'd never cheat, You'd never lie
In another's eyes

In another's eyes
I can do no wrong
He believes in me and his faith is strong
I'd never fall or even compromise
In another's eyes

In another's eyes
I'm afraid that I can't see
This picture perfect portrait
That they paint of me
They don't realize
And I pray they never do
Because every time I look I'm seeing you
In another's eyes

In another's eyes
Staring back at you
You see a sinking soul trying desperately
To turn the tide before it dies
In another's eyes

And what they don't see is killing us
And it's a blessing and a curse that love is blind

In another's eyes
You're afraid that you can't see
This picture perfect portrait
That they paint of you
They don't realize
And you pray they never do
Because every time you look you're seeing me
In another's eyes

I could aim
but I could not fire
Got a bullet to spare
to kill my desire

Got a bullet to spare, don't wanna send it your way

Who's calling the shots
One of us must make the peace
To have or to have not
The fire has got to cease

I'm loaded
don't know where to point this thing
it's a sin
how we hit where it hurts

One of us
got to end this masquerade
got to heal the wounds that we've made
I've got a bullet to spare
don't wanna send it your way
If you wanna end it
If you wanna end it just say

It's a war of the hearts
(got to end this masquerade)

I've got a bullet to spare
and we don't wanna send it your way
If you wanna end it
just say so

It's a war of the hearts
You need to choose baby,
Her or Me
Choose wisely

LOST

I cannot eat, sleep or breathe without him. I feel like someone has punched through my chest and ripped my heart out. I don't understand why H is doing this to me. I know he cares alot for me and I love him and I feel so out of control right now. I feel helpless and hopeless and I feel as though I have no control over any of it. I hate feeling like this. THIS PORTION OF THE B BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED and Now I am alone and miserable.
Oh and Brian, if you are reading this.... LEAVE ME ALONE. we are not together anymore. We have not been for sometime now and I seriously have nothing else to say to you. So take it from me first.... LEAVE ME ALONE....... I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. AND NO!! WE CANNOT BE JUST FRIENDS. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE AND NEVER WILL BE. Got that ????
Good.
Well I am off to the Tattoo Shop in a few. Christian is supposed to he drawing a devils skull for me with bright purple eyes and then he might fix my devils sun if I really want to feel the pain.... we'll see how miserable I am when I go there. Yeah I am a freak!!!!
But pain takes away from the pain I have in my heart..... ahhhhhh it really does!!!

THE CASE OF THE MISSING WOK

So as my closest friends already know, I had a whirlwind of a weekend which started on Friday evening around 6:20p.m.
The phone call was exactly like this:
THIS PORTION OF THE BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED
I went out shortly after Liz came over to peel me off of my kitchen floor. We got belligerently cocked and had a great night with my friend Jackie and her sister. The shock really did not settle in until Early Saturday morning as I crept up my stairs with the assumption that he would already be in my house and as I turned the door knob, THIS PORTION OF THE BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED I am so stupid. Hoss completely broke my heart and if you asked me why I care so much about him... I don't think I could really tell you. So Saturday was a hard day for me. I spent the majority of it in my bed with the curtains closed and Lifetime Movie Network locked on my t.v. I cired, slept, cried again and slept again. I finally ripped myself up and jumped in the shower, put on my sweat suit and decided to go pick up Hannah from my mom's and spend some time with her before she has to go to the other wonderful dick head that I was tortured by's house. Hair in a clip, no make up and just completely sad, I drove the truck to Abington, picked up the boo boo and we went to McDonalds for happy meals. I felt a little bit better now and I then drove her to Stoughton to visit with her "SUPER DAD". Paul was actually civil and asked if I was ok. THe weird part about Paul is that even though he could have been severely hurt or beaten or whatever for what he did to me, I know that if anyone ever hurt me physically, he would kill them..no questions asked. hahha Sad but True. So after driving Hanny to Paul's I head back to Whitman. My phone is ringing and ringing and I am trying hard to ignore it. My depression was taking over me again and I could not wait to hit my bed and go to sleep again. I finally answer my phone and I decided to go see a movie with my 3 sisters and my mother but they were all sold out so we went to D'Ann's and had some appetizers and drinks. It was my mother's birthday so I figured I should go meet them. I had a few beers and was talking to the owner of D'Anns who I have known for a long long time. He made me feel a little better. So I leave and I am heading home and my sister Liz was in my vehicle so I was bringing her home first. We had to drive past "Bethaney's" house (the girl who was killed a few weeks ago) in order for us to get to my mom's. As I was driving by there was this HUGE "memorial" in her yard so I had to stop and go over to it. We ended up inside the house for over an hour talking to her parents. It was so sad. Her mom brought us up in her room and we were reading some things she had in her journal. It was just so sad. Then her kitten jumped up on my lap and I was playing with her and for some strange reason I had an allergic reaction to her and my eyes went blurry and puffy and I was wheazing and sneezing....so needless to say I had to beat feet fast. I drive Lizzy home and I head home to my house and then the Drama part 2 starts. I am pulling down my street and I notice a BIG BLACK TRUCK in front of my house. I am talking to Lizzabee on the 2 way and I realize at this point whom the truck belongs to. SO I tell Liz I will call her back. I am creeping up the stairs to my house trying not to make a sound and I am standing outside of my door listening. All I can hear is things banging and moving around and I could hear someone in my closet. So I turn the knob an I creep inside and there he is. The love of my life tearing apart my house looking for anything to take back. I was like "Hi Mr. Bri, Whatcha doing wacko?" He was caught off guard because he figured I was out for the night and had plenty of time to ravish through my home. But I had no intentions of going out. It was only 10:30 pm and he was shocked. He replied with "I am taking all of my stuff back. You don't want it, you don't need it and I am taking it home". So I just sat on the couch and listened to him running through my house as he made comments here and there about how good he has been to me and how much I hurt him and bla bla bla and He definitely brought up some true and interesting points. So I just kept my mouth shut. I was watching American Choppers and I see him walk out of my kitchen with my WOK.. OK.. My freaking wok in his hand as he heads to his truck. Now I am in hysterics yelling at him "You idiot, you are taking my WOK??? Why are you taking my WOK??? You will never cook with it. So he is now laughing hysterically and still continues to carry all of my belongings to his truck and now my mood has gone from miserable to funny and I am just thinking about the happenings of the weekend and I just start to laugh. Now mind you I am still having this allergic reaction to this cat I was holding, I am sneezing, crying lauging, yelling, and my mind is going in a million directions. So I get off of the couch, go lie in my bed and I start balling my eyes out. I hear Brian coming up the stairs, most likely for the remainder of the stuff, and he walks into my room and sees that I am balling hysterically and he sits next to me on the bed and touches my face and asks why I am crying. THIS PORTION OF THE BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED my neck until I was in dream land..... I awoke to noone with me this morning and I was once again very sad. But I know that these two men love me very very much and I know that they care for me, so why am I sitting in my bed all alone and sad again? Well it is time for YOGA. I will be back later.
Talk to you all soon.

And so the Drama continues.......

ANTHONY Gags

BABY BOY!!
I am so very sorry for not getting the container to you on time. I promise you I will make it up to you... I am going to the Foxy Lady tomorrow night...... You should meet me up there.. I will be in the Sky box sipping on some champagne...mmmmmm and in a dark corner most likely. hahahah I miss u and love ya. You are absolutely my best friend.
I am your Bonnie and you are my Clyde.
Kisses
Katie

WHY?

Why is life so complicated? I mean it just throws obstacles right at you. It does not care whether or not you are ready or aware. It does not give a shit about you. Oh and Zig, stop worrying about what is going on in my mind... You have your own problems..... Now don't ya buddy?

SO AS I SIT HERE AND PONDER OVER WHAT MAY BE GOING ON IN RUBY'S HEAD RIGHT NOW.... I AM ALSO WONDERING WHERE THE HELL MY PIZZA IS... IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE 5 MINUTES AGO

Soul Searching is my theme for the week. I have been thinking really long and hard lately about the "goings on" in my life and I am pretty much all set with the majority of it.
I have not felt like myself in the previous months and I am not digging it so much. I feel as though a huge part of me is missing and I cannot seem to find it. I have been jogging down memory lane with this friggan book of mine and I have to admit I am not very fond of the memories for the most part. In fact I feel somewhat embarrased and very ashamed at some of the things. I really need some alone time to seriously find me. That is all I really want. I have no room for distractions anymore. None whatsoever. I would do anything just to go away to a cabin somewhere, alone. Just me and my mind. Just my thoughts and I. I cannot really explain in my words how I feel inside. I seriously cannot really tell myself my feelings. What I really mean is that I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring and I have no idea what the very next moment is going to bring me either. I am not aware of much but I do know that I deserve alot more than I have right now. I sincerely believe that I deserve love and trust and honesty. I will never settle. I just cannot do that to my heart or my soul. I just need to be alone for a while until I figure it all out. I want to be the Katie that I used to be. I want to be the loving, caring, stable person who every one loved and cared for. I don't want to be bitter or stubborn. I am so tired of hiding behind this Steel wall. I really am. It sounds so corny when I say that but it is so true. I am hidden behind this ruthless wall and I feel as though I, myself can't even break it down. That truly frightens me to no end. I have such awesome friends who are trying to help me in every way they possibly can but they cannot even "truly" reach me behind it. This is why I say the Soul searching route is the way I am choosing for the time being. I figure if I can understand myself better, than it will make it alot easier for them to comprehend this madness. MAdness. haha that is really what it is. I know that there are people in this world who have it 100 times worse than I do, but I think I can be alot happier and content. I just need to find .. Well I just really need to find .... me.

My Best Friend

I never had anyone I could count on
I'd been let down so many times
I was tired of hurting...So tired of searching
Until you walked in to my life
And it was a feeling I had never known
For the first time I didn't feel alone
You are more than a lover
There could never be another
Who'll make me feel the way you do
We just get closer
I fall in love all over every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You are my best friend
You stand by me
You believe in me like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You are right there to save me
You make me see how much I really have
I still tremble when we touch
I love the look in your eyes when we make love
You are more than a lover
There could never be another
Who'll make me feel the way you do
We just get closer
I fall in love all over every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You are my best friend

So I am blatantly screwing off at work today. I got a ton of work done on Friday so now I am completely bored with nothing to do. I don't get online much at work like I would like to but today I am bored so I am acting up. I am once again confused and aggravated with the status of my relationship with H. Brian has been bothering me about my decision and what it is going to be. I am torn between the both of them and it is so stressing me out. I am getting very tired of H going away all the time and I cannot stand fighting with him about it anymore. I just want to remain single for a while until I can figure it all out. The "cutting ties" thing has really been working out for me and I am glad that I did what I did. I don't like the fact that some people don't really understand but I needed to "permanently delete" my recycle bin ya know what I mean?
At any rate, I am going to hang tight through December with H. We have that trip that is already paid for and a ticket in my name and I really do want to give him a shot again but then again I really don't. Like I said I am very very torn and confused. I don't know what to do. Well I am off for a meeting. I am going to meet this project manager today to discuss some sort of contract. He sounds so hot on the phone... watch him be nasty right? It is sometimes so deceiving.
Until then,
Ciao'
Katie

So my day has gone from bad to extremely GOOD!! HA HA. I just had the best night. I can't believe how much fun I had and how happy I am right now. My face hurts from smiling so much and my tummy hurts from laughing. WOW.. did I completely do a 360 huh? It is so true when they say "When you are feeling down, go find happy people to hang around". WellI did and I have never felt so incredibly relieved and non-stressed. I am actually going to take a long bath, sip on some wine and go jump in my huge cloud like bed and fall asleep. I think tonight I have found my peace and I have found the right person who I need to surround myself. I am going to finally sleep like a baby and have a good day tomorrow. Finally I feel better. My God, I was depressing myself all over again reading some of this blogger crap. I seriously thought I was going to be in this rut forever. I thought I would never be happy again. I am. And I am so thankful for the happenings tonight. I wish I could say who I was eith and where we were ... but I can't. I am home now with Wim and Hannah waiting for Liz to get home from S's house so I can tell her all about it. Liz and Wim are gonna sleep over and I am literally dying for her to come home. I think I have found a great thing. ..... I really, really do.
My tub is running and I need to jump in there. Talk to everyone soon.
Good Night ... Sweet Dreams . . . then Good Day!~

THIS BLOG IS BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY

They gave me a life thats not so easy to live
And then they sent me on my way
I've left my love and forgot my dreams
I lost them all along the way
Those little things you say
Words mean so much
You never back down
They all shy away
You always listen to me

Why do I care
To get me through the sleepless nights
What do I have to hold
When noones there to hold me tight
What do I see
The only thing that gets me through this
What do I feel
I feel you

And this ain’t no bed of nails
But they're not roses just the same
But God this road sure can be long
Another endless day,
another seven hundred miles will take me further from my home

Those little things you say
When words mean so much
You never back down
And they all shy away
You always listen to me

And what do I get to get me through these sleepless nights
And what do I have to hold when no one’s there to hold me tight
And what do I see the only thing that gets me through
this is what I feel
and I feel you

I know what you’re going through now
Believe me I live this

And what do I get to get me through these sleepless nights
And what do I have to hold
when no one’s there to hold me tight
And what do I see the only thing that gets me through
this is what I feel
and I feel you

KATIE SCISSOR HANDS

Good Evening,
It is almost that time of night to relax with a glass of wine and talk to my two best friends on the phone for an hour or so and bitch to them about my life. I miss being able to bitch about it here but I still have her and him. She knows everything imaginable and more and he does too and he will let me say anything which is great. I have two of the best friends in the entire world. It is such a sweet thing. Liz and I have decided that Me. Her and Jill are the three hotties from The Sweetest thing. We act, talk, and just do everything they do. Jill is so JANE too!! hahaha We loves ya Jilly bear!
Anyway, I am chilling my wine as we speak and I am trying to figure out the outfit for tomorrow in my head. I am going on the road tomorrow so I need to dress accordingly and I am so unsure right now. Although I have chosen not to express my deep down and dirty feelings so to speak on this blog, I will however state that I have also chosen to cut some close ties to me personally. I have made a very large decision that is going to both shock and quite possibly endanger a lot of people but it had to be done. I also have chosen to close myself up to a lot of people. I made the fatal mistake of letting too many people in and I have been advised to change that. So I have taken the advise seriously and I have already begun the process of elimination. Please don't take it offensively because most of the people were and still are important to me and I do care for you. I just have got to do what I have got to do. And I am sorry for shutting you out sharply. I cannot make excuses for my actions and I will not even explain myself... I will just simply fade away.
It is for the good of myself and for you additionally. The tumultuousness of my life and existence is way too severe and I just cannot handle it anymore. So the ties have been cut and I feel a bit relieved. I have a few more snippings of the scissors to do but I am almost complete. I am even contemplating the solo life again. It is going to be tough but for the best.

It neve seizes to amaze me how a GROWN man can wrap himself up in someone elses life. I am so sick and tired of the whirlwind of drama that has wrapped around me. The aggravation that has surrounded myself and Ruby's Fire is indescribable and too detailed for words. I actually picked up the phone tonight and called the woman who was the pit of it all to call it quits. This is how disgraced I am. I cannot even believe the episode that occured this afternoon. IT JUST WILL NOT END. WHY? A Grown man ran into my Boyfriend this afternoon and rambled on about how I was kicked out of the Odyssey for fighting someone. This is how the whole Ruby's Fire drama started. Rumor has it that I was barred from this bar and that I was pretty much handcuffed by police and I almost fainted. Anyway this ADULT MAN continues to tell my man that I have this dirty and repulsive web site and bla bla bla. So needless to say he was curious and calls me directly after the conversation and asks me what happened. I could not believe how fabricated the story was. I just was completely amazed. WHICH brings me to the "hence" part. THE GOSSIP GAME! Remember Telephone? OH MY GOD! Please spare me from all of this because I have simply had it. It is actually disgusting to me. It is UNREAL. Why are people so involved in my life. I do not invite anyone. I don't even care. If this ADULT GROWN UP MAN was on fire I would not even spit on him let alone care about what is happening in his life. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Like I don't have enough on my own plate right? If you dislike me as much as you make it seem, WHY bother with me or Ruby's Fire? Why waste your time and energy on me? GOD KNOWS I WOULD NEVER WASTE A MILLISECOND ON ANYTHING THAT WOULD INVOLVE YOU. It eats me up inside for the simple fact that I just really want to be left alone by everyone. I don't give a flying flask if I ever meet up with them, see them, speak to them, or hear of their death. I truly will say that. SO WHY CONTINUE TO TRY TO HARRASS ME? GET A LIFE AND STAY OUT OF MINE. I can't even type freely anymore. I have to block my blogs out because people are still breathing who are classless and judgemental and just plain stupid. So I guess in a way I did let these repulsive people win. But I don't care. I am just more cautious and I still type my feelings.. I just cannot post them for the world to see anymore. It's a shame because I know how many people actually enjoyed it on a daily basis and I apologize to these people. I am really sorry. I am sorry for myself and I am sorry that I ever was acquainted with such non open minded and completely judgemental prudes. I truly am. I just truly want to be left alone. I don't bother anyone. I wouldn't even think to. I just want to live my life with no drama and problems. What I would do to move away to another state and start over. I would do anything in the world to do that. It would make my life alot easier to live.
I just cannot wait for that day to come... I can smell it close by...

WWW.RUBYSFIRE.COM

Your site ROCKS man......

THIS POEM ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. R.I.P. Bethaney.. You are a Real Angel Now sweetie!

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.

For Bethaney... You are a Real Angel now... Fly Free. R.I.P. 11-1-2003

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down

Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go

And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

GROSS

NICE ROB... REALLY REALLY NICE. WHAT WOULD EVER POSSESS YOU TO PUT THAT RAP SHIT ON MY BLOGGER??? CLASSLESS......

I THOUGHT OF YOU RUBY..with this song.. (SORRY)

BLOG DELETED

So I just walked in the door after a long day and a really long night. I was busy all day long at work. I saw Brian last night and we had a long talk. I went out on his bike tonight and we just drove and drove and drove. We did not really talk much. I think we knew what we both wanted to say. My party was fun and funny. What else would it be right? At any rate, Brian left and took my helmet hostage. No big deal. I always have a back up. We went over my mom's to get the Bubs and I sat and talked with my baby sister Liz. She is holding up considering. What an awful awful thing. Her best friend since I can remember was killed in a car accident this weekend and she has been a wreck ever since. (understandably) <<~~ Is that a word? Whatever. You get the Jist. So anyway, I have been sick to my stomach over this accident because we were really close to the family. I was close to her sister Jill in High School and we still talk on occasion. My sister Kerry is very close with Jill still. It just makes you seriously think how fast something can be robbed from you. ya know? I mean this girl was 20 years old, out at a friends house, not drinking or anything and loses control of her car and BAM! dead! Gone. No turning back. She has flown away. And all I can think of is the fact that that could have very well been my baby sister and it rips my heart apart. It nauseates me and I can't even begin to imagine what her family must be going through. How much pain is over taking them. I was on my roof last night thinking to the stars that Life just is not ever going to be fair. EVER. We are all here on earth being punished because of something we commited in our past life. I know it sounds so retarded but I am so serious. How could a GOD or a higher power of some sort ALLOW this to happen? COME ON!!!! If "GOD" LOVES us so much, WHY DO WE SUFFER? Why would he RIP a beautiful woman with so many ambitions and dreams away from her friends and family? WHy would he torment her parents like this? This is one of the many many reasons why I do not believe in God and why I don't go to church. I just cannot understand the concept of tragedy. I can't listen to one more person tell me that Jesus died so we can confess our sins and be forgiven. And so we all can live happily. Well if that is the case then we all should be immortal and never die..and live happily. Tragedies should only be a falacy. Whatever. It just does not seem fair at all to me. It makes me literally sick to my stomach.
Anyway, I am going on my roof and I am going to write in my journal.
I am having such a hard time dealing with this madness. I am sick to my stomach about it. I am dreading my day tomorrow and I am seriously contemplating playing sick. I doubt I will. You know me Work work work.
I am stressed out and not satisfied right now. I need my baby cakes to come back.... hmmmmmmmm
I am so sparatic and so restless.
I am just NEVER satisfied
....which brings me to my next drama..... ED told me this morning that I am confused and never sure of anything. He told me that I am miserable all of the time and he doesn't mean it in a bad way but he is just being completely honest with me. I was a bit floored considering the fact that I was looking for some sort of sympathy from him because I was having a bad day! And he usually makes me feel better. And then he continued with "When you want to hang out or if you want to talk then you are just gonna have to call me" ...which floored me even more because if that does not sound like a "breaking up" line then I don't know what would. Which was exactly my response. "Are you breaking up with me?" We are just close friends but I sincerely felt like I was being dumped...... I guess I am just used to the whole breaking up process. WOW. Is that the way guys feel when I dump them? When I viciously and ravishly rip apart their insides with my teeth? Sorry guys. I really am.

Dear Katie,
I know what you need and I have everything you need. I promise I am not going to hold out on you. You need to be patient. We've been together for a few years and sure we've shed a few tears
Called eachother knick names like sugar plum or pooh bear. I'm always on the road hardly ever home always busy this busy that can't talk on the phone. I know you're aggravated walking around frustrated. Patience is getting short and you can no longer tolerate it. Listen babe, I'm just motivated and I do this for us. To really be honest you stuck with me through all my struggles. I can't even express in words how much that I love you. I'm going to stand as a man never above you. I could tell you were different from most when I approached you. I love the way you touch me in those elaborate ways. Babe if you give it to me, I'll give it to you as long as you want. You know I have it. Katie listen. I feel your love for me and how it moves through you. I've been longing for the moment to speak the truth to you. I'm never home, I always get up and go. I never meant to put a thousand pounds of stress on your head. I love the way you sleep and how we cuddled in bed. Katie, I still embrace your patience, shed all your tears with me. I'm asking babe to please continue to bear with me. I started out broke, constantly on the road. Cutting up on the street like I would never get old. Mad years have passed and we still have eachothers back. I went from nothing to driving a lexus, a harley and you are swinging in my Navigator. I will cross the mountain high until I touch the sky. I pull up to our house in my Yukon Denali. It's been a few months since you have seen me and you are looking good in the Gucci bikini and your 3.5 carats is looking fleazy. No matter what I do in the world, please never leave me. Fall back babes I'll make your lifestyle easy as I raise your daughter don't ever grease me. Katie if you give it to me, I'll give it to you. You know that I have it.
Love,
Brian

Dear Brian,
You think I'd leave your side baby? You know me better than that. You think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees? I wouldn't do that. How do you think that I ever would?
If only you could see into me. When you are cold, I'll be there to hold you tight to me. When you are outside baby and you can't get in. I will show you you're so much better than you know. When you are lost and you're alone and can't get back again. . I will find you darlin' and bring you home. If you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes. And in no time you'll be fine. You think I'd leave your side baby? You know me better than that. You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees? I wouldn't do that. How do you like being alone? If only you could see into me. When you are low I'll be there by your side.
Love,
Katie

I am off to visit Chrissy at the Bar and then I am going to visit B. I need to see him and to make sure I am making the right decision. Everyone is making me feel so guilty about this. But no time is better than now because H is in FLA and I can sort things out without his involvement.
I am going to get my tattoo I think before I go. I have to call and see if Christian is available to do it tonight or tomorrow. LOVE HIM! Love his boss even more!
I miss those boys man!
I am in a seriously bad mood and I need to be inflicted with some sort of pain to take away from the pain in my heart. Sick huh? BUT it works.. It's better than having a drug addiction.. I just get tattooed. ha ha Have a lovely night and definitely do not wait up for me ok?

I wish for a place where the earth doesn't shake
And if the earth won't be still then I will
And my friends can be my family
And they can be my company
And I'll take them to a party and we'll have fun
They will tell me if I am near to anywhere but here
I wish for a place
Where it's not such a waste
I can tell the girls my name
It's ok all though it's plain
Can you tell me if I'm near to anywhere but hear
If I could sleep
Then I would dream of all the things you promised me
And everything would seem better than it is
I wish for a place where I could go
Because everything here moves so slow
Can you tell me if I'm near
I wish for a place where the earth doesn't shake
And if the earth won't be still
Then you and I will

For H

Today we took a walk up the street
We picked a flower.. we climbed a hill above the lake
And secret thoughts we said aloud
We watched the faces in the clouds until the clouds had blown away
And were we ever somewhere else?
You know it's hard to say
I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky, around the world
You're giving me all you have and more
And noone else has ever showed me how
to see the world the way I see it now
I never saw blue like that
I can't believe a month ago I was alone
I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard your name
And even now I am so amazed
It's like a dream, it's like a rainbow.. it's like the rain
And something's are the way they are
And words just cannot explain
I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky, around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And Noone else has ever showed me how
to see the world the way I see it now
I never saw blue like that before
And it feels like now
And it feels always
And it feels like counting hope

STARS... My favorite things

When all the stars were falling
I reached up like you said
All the stars were falling
One hit me in the head
And I fell down
When all the stars were falling
They fell from above
And I thought of hate... and then I thought of hate
And then I thought of love
I fell down
And I learned how to dance by the Vincent Van Goh's
And the knights are all wrapped in a white sheet
And now no one even says hello
Because I couldnt stand on my own two feet
And I fell down
Now the peace you will find in you're own little night
Lights of the city are the stars on the ground
I may not be a quelude in the middle of a speed zone
But I could be restful, I could be someone's home
But I fell down
Now all the stars are falling

REALITY CHECK

As I sit in a puddle of sorrow this evening I cannot help but recall something that someone had said to me last night. I was in a bar room and towards the end of the night I am at the bar sitting down and a fight breaks out. These two idiots are approximately 2 feet from me fumbling around on the floor at J.A.'s. This very attractive man turns and holds me back and grabs my drink from my hand just as the two fools turned and back handed him in the face. I was in complete shock because this man did not know who the hell I was and pretty much saved me from getting punched in the face unintentionally. So now I feel really bad and I am touching his beautiful face and asking him if he needs anything and by this time the cops and bouncers are there and they are wrestling the two ass holes to the ground and the place is in mass confusion. He turns to me and introduces himself as "Joe" and I say "Hi Joe, my name is Katie and thank you so much for "protecting" me". He then replied that I would have fell alot harder than he did and he would have probably gone to jail if he witnessed me getting hit. I was flattered so much. So we start talking and I said to him "I am so surprised that you didnt go after them when they hit you. I think that is so impressive and I respect that." He then said well Katie, there is a reason why I did not and I will sum it up short for you. My brother and I were in a bar room drinking for his bachelor party and we were getting a little rowdy and obnoxious and these regulars were making comments. Well long story short they attacked my brother and when I went to break it up my brother was stabbed and now can not walk. 5 nights before his wedding and I have to live with the fact that my brother had to ride down the aisle to meet his bride in a wheel chair." I was absolutely sobbing and I was so saddened by that. It makes you think how stupid people can be and how fast tragedy can happen. I was completely infatuated by this beautiful man and I didnt want to leave in fear that I would never see him again. But I left. I said good bye to him and thanked him and I was driving away I was sobbing. It just really hit me very hard. So hard that I cannot stop thining about this man. I am on a mission tonight to find him. I regret that I did not exchange my number with him. I wish I had. I am so bummed.

JUST FOR....

I want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at me
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching me
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting me
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do!
I want to make him regret life since
The day he met me
Yes I do!
And I want to make him give back
All that he took from me
I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting me
Yes I do