Today was a Good Day

So I woke up a bit tired due to the fact that I had to listen to a good friend of min Kyle's drama last night. He is having a hard time and I figured what would help me feel better more than someone else just as miserable as me? haha Nah. I am not miserable anymore actually. Although I woke up a little tiny bit tired, I felt like a new person. I woke up. Put Hannah on the bus and was seriously debating on whethyer I should go back to sleep or if I should get my day going. I put on my sweats suit and drove my fat ass to the gym. I went and did a few laps in the pool, did the sauna thing. Then decided to do some spinning. It has been a while since I did the whole spinniung thing and how fast I forgot how much I suck at it. hahaha I kind of snuck out of the room without anyone noting. I went and did some more cardio and then sat in the jacuzzi in the locker room and then realized I should've sat in the jacuzzi the entire time instead of trying too hard. hahah Anyway. I felt incredible. Threw my sweats back on and drove the scenic route home. I found my dream house on the way and now I want to go buy it. It had atleast 3-4 acres of land. It was in Hanover and it had a huge stable with 2 horses and I just imagined how happy Hanny would be living there. It was a huge oversized Ranch and I could see the inside of the Great Room. It was perfect. Any way.. yeah! you said it DREAM ON! hahah SOMEDAY. Now that I am completely done with Brian, I feel like a free bird. ha ha. I just want to go crazy ya know? Well I just got back from Newbury Street with Lisa and I spent a small fortune...like I have any right doing that. I got my D&G boots I have drooled for for weeks now and some brown leather pants and a fuzzy sweater. I picked up a jacket for Hanny and then we had lunch at out favorite cafe. I have to run to the corner to get Hanny so I will talk to everyone later. I am in better spirits today. Woo Hoo!
Love,
Katie

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BITCH

I hate the world today. You're so good to me, I know but I can't change. Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe, I'm an angel underneath, innocent and sweet. Yesterday I cried. You must have been relieved to see the softer side. I can understand how you'd be so confused. I don't envy you. I'm a little bit of everything...all rolled into one. I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a child. I'm a mother. I'm a sinner. I'm a Saint. I do not not feel ashamed. I'm your Hell. I'm your dream. I am nothing in between and you know you would'nt want it any other way. So take me as I am. This may mean you have to be a stronger man. Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous and I'm going to extremes, Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing. Just when you think you've got me figured out the season's already changing. I think it's cool you do what you do and don't try to save me. I'm a bitch, I'm a TEASE. I'm a GODDESS on my knees. When you hurt, when you suffer, I'm your angel undercover. I've been numb, I'm revived. Can't say I'm not alive. You know I wouldn't want it any other way.

MY BROTHER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. BLOCKED PERMANENTLY
ZIG

FINALLY

BLOCKED PERMANENTLY

GOOD NIGHT GODDESS

GOOD NIGHT GODDESS.
PLEASE HEAVY MY EYES AND SAND THEM DEEP.
PRAY THE MOON MY SOUL WILL KEEP.
WATER THE TREES INVISIBLE MIST
AND BAD THOUGHTS AND DREAMS PLEASE DEAM THEM MISSED.
I ASK OF YOU ONLY ONE THING,
THAT HANNAH RECEIVES THE SAME THING.
I HAIL TO YOU ON EVERY MOON
THAT I WILL ENDURE MY SLEEP SOON.
GAZE OVER MY MOM, SISTERS AND KIN
MY NIECE AND NEPHEWS FLARE ONTO THEIR SKIN
THE GOODNESS OF YOU AND THE EYE OF THE BEAR
RELEASE THEM FROM HARM, PROTECT THEM FROM FEAR
SEND TO ME YOUR BLESSINGS AND ALL OF YOUR LOVE
WATCH CAREFULLY OVER THE ONES WHOM I LOVE
KEEP SACRED MY LOVED ONES AND WATCH AS I DO
KEEP ME CLOSE TO YOUR HEART AS I DO WITH YOU.
MERRY PARTING

LIZ..... THIS IS TOO MUCH!!

Lizabeth Foley.. My best friend in the entire world. This is for you but not so much some parts. Not so much that part and that part but yeah! definitely this part. Definitely the part I highlighted but not so much the rest. ahahahahahah
READ THIS AND WEEP!!!!
I love you and I don't know what I ever would do if I did not have you in my life o.k.??????
Now do like I told you.... Stay away from me. NEVER misunderstand me haha SULLY!
ok all seriousness... this is from my weirded out mind right now:

Sister Blister you and me we're cut from the same cloth
it seems to some we famously get along
but you and me are not strangers to each other
cuz you and me:we're never competitive to the bone

such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured
with the state this land is in

you and me feel joined by not only gender
we are all for one and one for all

sister blister we fight to please the brothers
we think their acceptance is how we win
they're happy we're climbing over each other
to beg the club of boys to let us in

you and me estranged from the mother
you and me have felt impotent in our skin
you and me have taken it out on each other
you and me disloyal to the feminine

such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come
with how strong we've been

you and me are on this pendulum together
you and me with scarcity still fueling

sister blister we fight to please the brothers
we think their acceptance is how we win
they're happy we're climbing over each other
to beg the club of boys to let us in

we may not have priorities same
we may not even like each other sometimes
we may not be hugely anti-men
but such a cost to dishonor a sister

you and me have made it harder for the others
we forget how hard separatism has been
you and me we can help change their minds together
you and me in alignment until the end

sister blister we fight to please the brothers
we think their acceptance is how we win
they're happy we're climbing over each other
to beg the club of boys to let us in

I so have INSOMNIA

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WHAT?

BOLGGER BLOCKED PERMANENTLY
ZIGGY

I AM STILL AWAKE YOU GUYS

Hi
Thanks guys but I am seriously ok. I partied alot this weekend so I sometimes get a little bit emotional. No biggie. I will be ok. I know that I have to. You guys flatter me way too much. I am really not that great ya know. But thanks anyway.
Yeah... Burberry sounds great. Tomorrow? We can go have lunch on Newbury Street and then go to Cambridge. Sounds like a plan. Nothing warms my heart like a little shopping spree. I will see if my friend Chrissy wants to come.
Talk

BRIAN

you're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you
you're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

you're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
you're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

it won't be long before I am reclaimed
it won't take long and I'll be on path again
it won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

you're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

a million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

I have never known anyone on the face of this earth with a bigger heart than my close friend, Katie Flannery. She passes herself off as invincible and hard... I know of that all too well. I had the honor of sitting with her as she cried to me and I don't think I will ever be the same. The words that fell out of her mouth between gasping for air, were the wisest words and the most loving words I have ever heard in my life. It was as if she was speaking from a poetry book. She is badly hurting and for all of her friends who know her and love her, please make her aware that she has not done anything wrong. She has been nothing but giving and caring and nurturing to myself and my husband and I know for a fact that she has been the same way to alot of you. SHe is confused, sad, and she is grieving alot of things right now. When I said earlier that I was honored to see her break down in front of me, what I meant was that usually, she is trying to hold everyone else up when they are in need and she barely let's anyone see her stress or her anguish. I fely that she truly must think highly of me because she trusted me enough to cry and trusted me with the sacred stuff within her heart. As I was driving away I was balling and I just wanted to turn around and comfort her more. Who ever the man is whom receives her heart next, is very lucky. She is a treasure and I seriously mean that. Of course she has collected herself because her ass hole ex brought Hannah home and she is fine and smiley now but I know when it is all said and done at the end of the day, she will be crying herself to sleep. KAtie, if you are reading this tonight (sunday) I love you and I will never turn my back on you no matter what. You got me for the rest of my life. And don't ever sweat the small things again. Be true to you... and you only. You are going to find someone who loves you completely soon. I can feel it.
Let's get together soon for some shopping therapy. Newbury St? Burberry? mmmm tasty tasty!
Love ya chick!
Lisa

IT'S ME.. THE COWARDLY LION

K-
JUST WAS TALKING TO LIS AND SHE TOLD ME YOU TRIMMED HER HAIR AND STARTED TO CRY. SHE FILLED ME IN ON BITS AND PIECES BUT PLEASE TALK TO ME. YOU ARE GOING TO COMPLETELY BREAK BABE IF YOU DON'T LET IT OUT. YOU KNOW I AM HERE WHEN YOU NEED ME FOR ANYTHING. BRIAN IS A FRIEND OF MINE ALSO AND BELIEVE ME HE WANTS YOU TO GIVE UP ON HIM. HE NEEDS TO WORK ON HIMSELF. HE KNOWS HOW MUCH HE HAS LET YOU DOWN. HE LOVES YOU BUT YOU HAVE BEEN HIS ENABLER FOR YEARS NOW. HE NEEDS TO BE ALONE. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT NOONE BLAMES YOU FOR LEAVING HIM AND NOONE IS ANGRY WITH YOU. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY PRAISING YOUR STRENGTH. PLEASE. DON'T LISTEN TO HIS BROTHERS AND JUST FLY AWAY BIRDIE. YOU WILL BE A WHOLE DIFFERENT WOMAN. MOVE ON AND FALL IN LOVE AND START OVER. DON'T HYOLD IT ALL IN KATIE ANNE. YOU WILL BE FINE. HE NEEDS YOU TO GO. I KNOW HE WON'T SAY IT BUT HE NEEDS TO GROW AND HEAL AND FIX HIMSELF. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. YOU JUST CAN'T. LISA AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS...YOU FUCKING CALL ME. GET SOME SLEEP, EAT SOMETHING AND EASE UP ON THE DRINKING.
JUST LET IT GO. HE'LL BE O.K.
JIM

I DON'T HATE YOU BUT I AM TELLING YOU GOODBYE

It's so sad

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon
I don't want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge
on your face at midnight
Hey what are you hungry for
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
and its wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

COWARD....SPEAK UP

HAHAHHAHA
I AM SO NOT JIM. YOU ARE CRAZY. HA HA HA
STOP IT. I AM SO ATTRACTED TO HIM. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. LEAVE ME ALONE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO POST A BLOG THEN MAKE IT PUBLIC YOU COWARDLY LION.

H.M.F.O.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you fell my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
And I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's not doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There and nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

Jim

This Way
Love be still
Love be sweet
Don't you dare
Change a thing
I want to photograph you with my mind
To feel how I feel now all the time

Say that you'll stay
Forever this way
Forever and forever
That we'll never have to change
Don't move
Don't breathe
Don't change
Don't leave
And promise me
Say you'll stay
We'll stay
This way


I get afraid
Don't think ahead
Let's just stay
This way in bed
Feels so good inside your arms
Home is everywhere that you are


Say that you'll stay
Forever this way
Forever and forever
That we'll never have to change
Don't move
Don't breathe
Don't change
Don't leave
And promise me
Say you'll stay
We'll stay
This way

Don't move
Don't breathe
Don't change
Don't leave
Promise me
We'll always be
This kind, this sweet
This good to me
Promise me
You'll always be


Say that you'll stay
Forever this way
Forever and forever
That we'll never have to change
Don't move
Don't breathe
Don't change
Don't leave
And promise me
Say you'll stay
We'll stay
This way

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MY FAVORITE OUTLAW

Break Me

I will meet you in some place
Where the light lends itself to soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you, I have thorns like any rose
And you could hurt me with your bare hands
You could hurt me using the sharp end of what you say
But I am lost to you now
There's no amount of reason to save me

So break me
Take me
Just let me fill your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go and lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

So break me
Take me
Just let me fill your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

Kiss me once
Well, maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice


So break me
Take me
Just let me fill your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

LONG CONFUSING WEEKEND

It is Sunday and I am still recovering from my long long weekend.
I am very tired and worn out I guess. I had a wonderful time on Friday night. I just wish Last night was equally wonderful...but it was not. I guess you win some and lose some. I had my heart broken last night when HE walked into the Whitman house with another chick on his bike...but like I said you win some and you lose some. I know he said it was innocent and he was doing someone a favor but I just don't know. Anyway, I am going to see a movie in a few hours to get away from it all and then I am going to make myself a cup of tea, hop into my big cloud of a bed and snuggle with Hannah and get a great night sleep in hopes that I will hear from him tomorrow. Will talk to everyone later.
Love,
Katie

HAHAHHAHAH

You are a trip Jim. You crack me up with your private posts. Why don't you want everyone to read them. I am sure after they all read my shit that they all could use a laugh. You are a riot. No! I will not come over your house... you are married you fruit cake. And I happen to LOVE your wife. I know u are only kidding. Come by and see the new place with Lisa. Tell her I will wax her brows right. ha ha Poor kid. Hannah is doing well, thanks for asking. She is a little sick today and will be out of school until Friday but other than that she is good. I am glad to hear you talked to Brian today. He told me that you were supportive. You ROCK. I will give you a jingle later on. Tell Lis I said "WHAT UP". I miss you too. Love always, K K K Katie

ANOTHER DAY I AM CONFUZZZED

Ok
So I just don't want to work anymore. I am so sick and tired of it. I am going to QUIT or I am going to make them fire me.. ANyone have any suggestions?
I figure I could just take a few weeks off, collect myself while collecting unemployment and then decide what I am seriously going to do. Do I want to work 9-5 for the rest of my life? Do I want to take on the stress and aggravation of owning my own salon? Do I want to go back to school to better myself? Ohhh I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. -THIS PARAGRAPH BLOCKED FOR PRIVACY-I want normalcy. Seriously. I do. I know that is so hard to believe but I do. I am tired of struggling, tired of the drama, tired of the male species althogether quite frankly. I am going to go away next weekend alone with Hannah and I am going to hash it all out. I get no help from her suck ass father.. he is no help. I cannot stomach his existence sometimes and it's not like I have any ties here in MAssachusetts. I am just going to figure out what to do about employment, go move to Texas, buy a ranch and take care of my baby and my horses. And Brian, I am taking LOLA. I don't care what you say. HA. ALONE!!! Ahhhhh doesn't that just sound nice? YEah so anyway, IT is Wednesday night and what did I accomplish today you might ask? NOTHING and I am glad. Besides the fact my poor punkin head is sick and I could not go away.... YEAH I am relaxed and content with sitting in my house at 10:57 pm on a Wednesday night crying alone to Lifetime Movie Network. I always seem to feel better after those flicks. Seriously. AND PLEASE. Noone bother me. Don't call, don't drop by to see the new place, Don't do anything. Stay home and Go to bed early. I am. Talk to you all later and tomorrow I am sure I am fired and I don't CARE. Anthony, thank you for puttin up with me for 2 years, thank you for being my best friend and I will always love you unconditionally. I wish we were married every day of my life. xox
BYE

JENNY FROM THE ROCK,
YOU AND BRI GOT MARRIED... YOU SKEEEEEZA
Call me when you get htis
Love, K

HI SUGAR PIE YOU STILL UP TOO?

KATIE,
HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE FONTS AND COLOR ON THIS? CAN YOU EVEN?.
I AM STILL AWAKE WAITING FOR JOE... NOT HOME AS OF 3:30 AM .. I AM GONNA KILL HIM
HAH IF YOU GET THIS CALL ME

MY MOOD TODAY WAS: Aggravated and Frustrated

EDITED BLOG (PRIVATE) AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY

OHHH DID I TELL YOU THAT BRIAN AND I GOT MARRIED? YEAH WELL WE DID
IT WAS JUST AS EXPECTED. BAREFOOT ON THE BEACH WITH NOONE ELSE AROUND

It's ME......... RUBY

Hi Friends.. We need to start distinguishing who is who when we type. I know who it is but others do not. I am going to get myself in trouble over her. haha All is well. It is beautiful today and the weather is perfect. I took a long walk to nurse myself back to health.
Hannah is still a little sick but she is doing a little better. She was fine enough to go swimming. Who knows right? At any rate, I just wanted to touch base with everyone and let them know I am fine. We are all fine. Just needed some well deserved time away. I have never been so happy. No work, with the ones I love, ... what could be better than that? Oh ... You could throw my HArley over to me. Then it would be Exceptionally Perfect.
Love you all and Be safe
xo Ruby ox

YOU JUST CALLED ME

RUBY
JUST MISSED YOUR CALL.... WE ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME ACTUALLY. WE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU AS WE WATCHED 40 HARLEY'S DRIVE BY US ON THE BEACH. I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING TO SEE IF YOU WERE WITH THEM. HA HA SCOOBS SAYS HELLO AND TOLD ME TO TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU AND MISSES YOU. WE ARE ENJOYING A MUCH NEEDED BREAK FROM THE USA. WE HAVE PRESENTS PRESENTS PRESENTS. AND I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE PRESENTS. SEE YOU SOON CUPCAKE. YOU ROCK YOU !
LOVE ALWAYS . . . . ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
PS. CANT WAIT TO COPMPARE OUR LINCOLN NAVIGATORS. I HEAR YOURS IS INCREDIBLE
OH AND WE TRIED TO SIGN THE GUEST BOOK AND ALSO THE MESSAGE BOARD AND IT WOULD NOT LET US. THIS WAS EARLIER THOUGH. ANYWAY.. SMOOCHES BABE. C U SOONER THAN U THINK

ON AN ISLAND FAR FAR AWAY

So we made it here. Not many people here this week. Surprisingly enough it is peaceful. It is absolutely perfect weather. I shall be back on Friday. Brian will be back on Saturday morning or I will be walking down the aisle alone and then getting on a plane to meet up with him. Either way. . . . Saturday will be the best day of my life. Hopefully he will be there with me but if not.....I know he wanted to be there. At any rate, I am going shopping right now at some of the shops and I am going to go get my hair and nails "did". ha ha I Will fill you in on all of the events in a little while. Ohhh I forgot to tell you. We are not in the initial spot I told you we were going to be. We are in paradise I'll tell ya that. Wait until you see my presents......... I am so spoiled. I am in this absolutely gorgeous "cottage" I guess you would call it. ha I am throwing on my flippers, my big beach hat and I am going to the spa. Have a lovely day. Check back with everyone later.

SICK AS A DOG TODAY

As I sit sipping my Large Black tea with honey I feel as though I may die today. My throat is on Fire and my lungs are tight, my throat is itchy... OH MY GOD. MY poor baby was sick on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and I know she felt as I do now. Now it is my turn to be sick. It is September... EVERY SEPTEMBER I get viciously sick. There is no explanation But DEAR GOD I feel like shit. I feel like my throat is closing in and that I have pins going through my ribs every time I breathe in. My head is heavy, My throat is swollen, It feels like I am stabbing my neck every time I cough or clear my throat. I am going to the Doctor's at 11. Hopefully they will just put me to sleep. I can't take it anymore. Tossing and turning and being restless and sick. I feel like I am suffocating.
At any rate, I called into work and of course.... they begged me to "PLease come in and do just one thing. We don't know how to do it". OF COURSE YOU DON'T you stupid retarded uneducated people. OF COURSE YOU DON'T. You know I should be making 2500.00 a week instead of the 1100.00 I make. I do all of their work. THE REMAINDER OF THIS BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY

FREE AT LAST

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am seriously going to be ok without Stearns!!! I have picked up a fast solution and it seems to be going great. I am happier, less stressed and I feel good when I wake up in the morning. I swear to Goddess, I have never felt so good. I sleep better and I actually quit smoking those nast things called cigarettes. I have been talking to my Yoga chic and she told me my life is in my control and noone elses.
I am concerned however because I have not heard from Mr Paul Haddad, my lovely X and my daughter's dad. He was supposed to come get her on Saturday and never showed so I had to lie to her once again and tell her that Daddy was working late. Working late? hahaha Does he even work? Who knows
At any rate.... I promised myself that I will no longer even bring his name up in her presence unless she asks me. I am not being responsible for setting her up for disappointment. I mean Paul is like Night and Day. For 3 months he is Super Dad and them BAM! He is a ghost. OH WELL. It is my punishment I guess. LIKE I SAID OH FUCKING WAY!!!
I am going to grab a salad at VENUS CAFE!!!!!! LOVE YAS! BYE!

THE TRUTH

THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THIS BLOG HAVE BEEN BLOCKED AND IS ONLY ACCESSIBLE BY AUTHORIZED USERS

Who am I kidding.... I love my Web Site but I am so miserable right now. I havent been able to sleep soundly in days. I can't eat, I am fidgeting more and more and I just can't seem to seriously smile without force. -THIS PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN BLOCKED FOR ALL PUBLIC VIEWING-
Anyway, I tried to post a message on the Outlaws Massachusetts board and it wouldn't let me. So here is the message to my pals......

OK.. I just wrote a note to everyone and then it said there was an internal error on the server. Let me try again. Hi to all of my friends in Brockton and Taunton. Thanks for all of the good times. The Taunton house is coming along awesome. Just get that t.v. so I can bring some DVD's over. haha JOE.. don't forget the clean linen lysol ok? Monster, you owe me like 4 packs of cigarettes (wink) Spank... Oh BOY! ... Hi Farmer. Thanks for the shirt babe! You rock! Hoss, you still owe me a ride. I HAVE BEEN SO ATTRACTED TO YOU SINCE THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU. To the E Bo chapter.... Hi Leo and Tony.. Love you guys.Hi Jake! you are so cool. Love your leather pants man! Everybody.. Love you guys and I am so glad I know you. I enjoy being with every last one of you. See you all soon. Take care and be safe ~Love, Katie

It's 3 AM I must be Lonely

I can't believe how late it is right now. I am completely wiggin' out but I am so excited about Ruby's Fire. She is almost done. I fixed her and she looks awesome. Hopefully the link will post with my Blog. I don't know. If not the address is www.rubysfire.com. It should be up and running in 2 days. Hopefully. THANK YOU KRIS for all your hard work. I love you! This guy is a genius when it comes to this shit. You'd think it was easy looking at it. BUT DEAR GODDESS, It was SO NOT! Here is the link. I am so exhausted and I cannot wait to climb into my huge soft cloud of a bed and shut these big blue eyes. My back is aching and my eyes feel like somebody took a flame and just burned them. I think I am going blind for looking at this computer screen for 7 hours straight. I didnt even eat dinner. All as I have had was my mountain dew and my unlimited supply of Water. I just couldn't stop once it was looking good ya know? I have a lot of links to some close friends of mine. If you like local bands... check out the links to Plaid Daddy and Doubleshot. My Jimmy's site I am sure you all have witnessed. But Ed's is cool too. Anyway, I am going to bed. I have to help Tony with his business books tomorrow. He is so far behind it is sickening. It will take me all day but I will have his books ship shaped and clean as a whistle whrn I am done. It will cost him a pretty penny but he won't go to jail. haha It is so good to be me.
Where have all my cowboys gone? Oh to Jacksonville. That's right. I miss you guys so much mmmmwaaa! Minus.. I love you.
Good night all. I love you too!
Rubes

I miss My father terribly today....

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.
~Canon Henry Scott Holland

MY RAGE FOR RUBY's FIRE

So as I continuously struggle with my fucking web site... I needed to take a break. I have no idea where my pictures went, my links, my music. I am so friggan heated right now that I may just blow a head gasket ok? I spent 3 days getting this site to perfection and now my blogger is not even linked to it. Ahhhhhhh I am so in need of a menthol cigarette and I am not even drinking. I just took out my Wicca Rede because sometimes I need to be reassured that whatever you do will come back to you 3x more.(Good or Bad) Well. I am biting my tongue about this web host. Grrrrrrrr
Hopefully my friend Kris will rescue me. I love that fucking kid. He is my sister Trisha's Ex boyfriend and I seriously think we all cried when they broke up. We all got so attached to him. I love my sister but I think I "LIKE" him better than I like her. I am such a bloddy bitch huh? No he is such a good Kid. HE said he would help me so hopefully he will. LOVE YA KRIS!!!!
At any rate, I am going to the store to get some cigarettes and to grab a Lunchable for Hannah's Lunch.. (I have not had time to food shop as of yet this week) and then I am going to attack this web site dilemmna I am dealing with. I should have the Ruby's Fire site back up and burning shortky. Talk to you later. I love you all!
Ruby

"So that I may live in a peaceful earth, Please follow the Rede of Choice"

"So that I may live in a peaceful earth, Please follow the Rede of Choice"

GOD
There is a state of mind
so awakened
too awakened
where one can see
deeper than is supposed to be seen
past the concept
of the human world

CHORUS:
too far in to the human heart
out of the comfort zone
by far
past the boundaries
of this world
where the concept of God
is seen

the reason for the belief
the hope in something real
the sad truth
of the human race
so far from any quality
of God
designed in the worst way
almost to prove his existence
obsolete

CHORUS

but
upon realization
for the hundredth time
of their underlying qualities
the need for God arises
as the only truth that's there

CHORUS

one can only hope
his existence to be true
the only chance for comfort
and for purpose
maybe the reason to live
at the least the reason to hold on
despite the knowledge
of how things really are.

CHORUS

O.K. So I am a mess again. Why is it that when I go on a date with a normal guy I wig out? Freddie took me out tonight. He had asked me a few weeks back to go to the Red Sox with him and I had told him yes. So he picked me up at 6 and we headed into Boston. The game was incredible. The seats were luxury (of course) and it was just fun. I had such a wonderful night with him. He bought me flowers on our way home and then we stopped for some dinner and drinks and he really was such a gentlemen. He then proceeded to drive me home and walked me to my door, kissed me good night and did not even want to come up stairs or anything else. Told me he would call me in the morning. And as I am walking up the stairs to my apartment I am not thinking about him. I am thinking about -THIS PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN BLOCKED FOR VIEWING OF THE PUBLIC**AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY-rest of my lifetime. I don't get it. I really don't.
Then there is Wacker. What the fuck is up with him? I met him at -THIS PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN BLOCKED FOR VIEWING TO THE PUBLIC ***AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY-Well talk about falling off the face of the earth.... He really did. Who the frig knows where he is. It is just so weird. I really liked that bastard too. He is nothing but a fucker... Just like every last one of you devil like, disgusting, using, drug addict, unloyal men. God I fucking hate all of you. I sincerely do and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

In my last post regarding Redheads being crazy, I know I am a RED HEAD... Hence the nickname Ruby, but to me I think he is right.
I am a Redhead and I am as fucked up as u can get. I am as laid back and content with my life as you can get but I have a million and one skeletons in my closet yearning to break the door down. Someday..... Someday!

The following paragraph was taken from "Failure to Communicate" Written by Edward J. Carvalho
You can learn more about him at http://www.edwardjcarvalho.com

This struck a chord with me. It is good to see that men have feelings too.

"Red heads are crazy, just take Susannah for example
I Love you, I hate you, I love you again
Was the only thing that she truly knew for sure
Content to sleep, content to get beat
like a three legged dog
gumming on life with no teeth
She was as stable as nitroglycerine in an epileptic's hand
She'd play with herself and she'd crawl back on her belly
for more things to gnaw on, for another pitch-man
but by then I gave up after I was brushed away
I simply got my head right and fell on the floor bored"

"More and More I'm finding girls to be made from the same sordid cloth
Better off sleeping alone than punching drywall
Been Burned too many times, I'm left cut 'cause I'm soft
Take my heart and rearrange it for one last curtain call"


I have read the book from front to back and I am in the process of reading it again now. I know there are things I am going to re read that I never "Got" so to speak. BUY THIS BOOK. It is real.
http://www.edwardjcarvalho.com

THE NIGHT OF MY LIFE

-THIS ENTIRE BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED ***AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY-

As I sit unsoothed in the darkness, I have finally realized how much pain I consume on a regular basis. Nothing in this world is fulfilling. All I can feel is hurt inside and I can't identify the culpret. When you hear people speak of depression and suicide... I think that I may be able to understand their mentality at this very pertinent moment. ALthough this may be psycho "babble", I am not quite sure how true that saying may be. Now don't fret, I am not going to harm myself or anyone else, I am just trying to distinguish where that fine line is.
I feel as though noone in this world is more of a failure than I am. I have failed to please my parents, make them proud. I have failed to keep my family together for my daughter's sake of living a normal life. I have failed as a friend on numerous occasions, for fear of missing out on "something better" to do. I have failed as a sister. I have even failed as an aunt. And the worst one of all, I have failed as a mother.
I cannot complain about my childhood or the way I was raised. I cannot even point a finger to my family or my friends. I had the best childhood ever and I have no particular reason to have failed my mother , my deceased father, my sisters.
I go to sleep every night praying that my father knows how sorry I am. I beg him every night .. hoping he hears me in Heaven and ask him to please forgive me. Although I know I am not a bad person, I know I broke his heart and have disappointed him so. The decisions I have made in my very short lifetime have not been great. 85 % of these decisions, in fact, I would say were the worst decisions of my life.
If I could build a time machine or was miraculously given another chance to live life from Age 11, I would give EVERYTHING up for that shot.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just want to go outside and fucking scream so loud right now.
But I can't because I will probably wake Hannah up and then tomorrow return from work with an eviction note tacked to my front door. I just want to be free.
I want to jump off of my roof and be able to fly away.

I am not quite sure if I would say how lucky I am to have been able to love 3 men in my life. I am not quite sure if I would even place such a strong definition before their names. but I do know one thing, whatever it was that I felt for them when it was good, was indescribable and very short lived. I can't blame them nor myself for the lack of longivity but I can say confidently that I was the overachiever and I was the one who yearned for love.
So, To Paul, Brian and Billy. . . . . . .



"Love is not finding someone to go to bed with, but finding someone you want to wake up next to in the morning. Love is not finding the perfect person, but finding the imperfect person perfect."


"I love you, not for what you are, but who I am when I am with you."


"If I could be anything in the world, I would want to be a tear so I could be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips."


"To the world you are someone, but to someone you are the world."


"I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left. I lived a few weeks while you loved me."




"If the purpose of life is to fall in love with someone, then loving you is the purpose of my life."

"Marriage is not a ritual or an end. it is a long, intricate, intimate dance together, and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.


"Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination."


"Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice."


"The deep joy we take in the company of people with whom we have just recently fallen in love is undisguisable."


"Music I heard with you was more than music, and bread I broke with you was more than bread. Now that I am without you, all is desolate; all that was once so beautiful is dead."


"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same."

I am freaking out. Courtney just called me. She figured I should know that Billy had an allergic reaction to one of the medicines and it cut circulation to his badly broken leg. Now he has an erupting fever and has slipped unconcious. I am completely in another world right now. I don't know what I can actually do. I feel as though I am being selfish thinking that I really don't want to get close to this man again. He was once the devil to me until recently. I feel as though I don't belong by his side. As much as I will always love him, I just don't want to get too involved ever again. And that is what I am doing I think.... getting too involved. I feel like such a selfish bitch thinking this.


"Music I heard with you was more than music, and bread I broke with you was more than bread. Now that I am without you, all is desolate; all that was once so beautiful is dead."

Ok so I have not been around... I am so sorry. What's new with me??? Hmmm let's see. Where to begin. I have had the worst few weeks ever! I had to get away for a few days.I just heard from an old friend of mine and she told me that Billy dropped his bike and It has been a very long recovery for him. I know we are not dating anymore but we were talking civil the a few months or so ago, trying to get past the drama. For Hannah's sake of course. ALthough he is not Hannah's father, he played a huge role in her life and she misses him terribly. I never really talk about Billy much anymore. I guess it may be too painful for me. I mean if you asked one of my closest friends who Billy is, I don't know if they could answer that. Now he is in the hospital with a broken back, ribs and 2 broken elbows and femurs. ANd no pun intended but how ironic, the amount of times I wished he would crash his bike. God I am an evil bitch. I will never ever ever wish any harm on another human being. I feel so terrible. No matter what this man has ever done to me (and those who know me can understand my evil wishes, and those who don't believe me.. it was bad) He does not deserve the pain and worry he is embracing right now. I could not bring myself to visit him tonight. Hannah just got home from her dad's and I was cleaning the house, doing laundry and unpacking mostly. I didn't get much writing done today. I really wanted to get another chapter completed but my life has been boring lately so I really need some drama to inspire me.
I finally moved, and let me just tell you, next time (which will be very very far away) I am hiring a moving company. Not that I did much, it was just too stressful for me.
My Labor Day weekend was very eventful actually. Friday night we trucked down to Marshfield to the scummy Ranch house because my latest favorite band was down there. {{{{DOUBLESHOT}}}} These guys are fucking sick! They rocked as usual. That place sux though. The Ranch House in MArshfield. It was so annoying actually. Because these guys are a great band. Oh and Ed... the singer is incredible. He really is. They are all awesome musicians and there music choices are off the hinges. O.K.? But anyway, they let me sing Sweet Child O Mine and I rocked it. I could have been alot better but an hour before that I was making love to Jose Cuervo and He made me a little dizzy if ya know what I mean. Yeah, so next time I will not mug out with Jose until after I sing. mmmmmm he was good though. ha ha ha. Hannah and I just got in from our walk. I walked her to the park and let her ride her bike up and down and I showed her the wiccan trees that I planted 3 years ago and explained to her that the earth is our haven and that she can choose whatever path she wants but she needs to take care of the earth. She likes it when I read her my books and my poetry. While I was reading, she was listening so attentively and asked questions that really impressed me. For a 7 year old, she is quite brilliant and I just love her curiosity. I would never make her become a catholic, pagan, whatever. She needs to choose the road she wants to follow. I mean I am 26 years old and I still do not know what roads to follow. I follow whatever I bring myself to. I believe there is a higher power and I believe he is walking me through this crazy, duranged, fucked up world. I don't understand some of the things this higher power allows or controls but I know there is something. and Hell yeah I believe in the Devil. To be perfectly and blatantly honest, I firmly resolve that I am living in purgatory. I seriously think that I was on the verge of evil but not quite bad enough, in my past life, therefore I was sent to purgatory (MY LIFE NOW) to make up for what I did. Which of course makes no sense because as far as I have read or heard, purgatory is a bunch of wanderers searching for love and never being happy. Oh ... wait. ok. yeah I am in purgatory and I just want to get out of here.
HAHAHA ALright enough of this heavy crap. I am so PMS ing today that I sometimes do not think clearly and I begin to yap way too much. I am very very happy. I have my princess baby girl, HAnnah who is the best thing that ever walked the face of this planet and She is the very reason why I know there is a God because She is an angel sent to me to smarten me up. And my God she did.
I was thinking yesterday as I was wiping down my living room walls, that I would really love a son. I don't want to get married any time soon but I want a son before I am 30. Which leaves me a little bit over 3 years to find a baby boy to adopt. I think then I will feel complete. Ideally, I would be married and making a son, but I just cannot seem to find anyone who is good enough for HAnnah and I and who will be understanding of my lifestyle and my likes and dislikes. And the one man who would ever put up with me is now married and I completely blew it with him. Ahhhh I kick myself in the ass every day I wake up and realize he is not next to me anymore and never will be. Why is it so hard? Am I too picky?
Well, I am off to go watch my new favorite tv show. The "O.C." I just love the snobby rich kid, bad boy meets good girl kind of shit. It reminds me of my life on McKinley Drive in Abington. ha ha ha
Good night, I love you all.
Katie