Saturday, January 31, 2004

Wrong side of the bed again... ha ha

Hey Boys! Hey Girls! Hey anybody who will listen to me. In case you havent noticed it's just me against the world today. I fell out of the wrong side of the bed and landed in the worst mood. A stupid Rum Put was screaming at me from across the room. I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to be reasonable but it is so hard when I don't want to be. If you are looking for that nice girl from the day before. Don't bother. She doesnt live here anymore. It's me against the world so stay out of my way. It's me against the world and the world is definitely winning.
You should have let me stay in bed. I have this pounding in my head. And nothings ok so won't you stay out of my face today? I'm slamming doors, I'm slamming phones. Damn watch out for this temper tantrum. Stay out of my way if not you will be scared away. It's me against the world. What a stupid day. Stay out of my face. The world is winning. I am going to be impossible. I gotta tell you I'm seeing red.

11/11/2003 ~ TRIGGER ~ or A.K.A. BRIAN

I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
how would I explain?
how would I explain this to my daughter?
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time
would it be whining if I said I needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
and how can I complain?
and how can I complain when I'm the one that reaches for this?
because I can't not
because I cannot walk without my crutches
because I can't not
because I can't help wonder why you ask me
to all the unheard wisdom in the school yard
you think you're the right one
you swear you're the charmed one I'm sure
but how can you go on with such conviction?
who do you think you are when you question me?
because we can't not
because we can't help laugh at underestimations
because we can't not
because we can't afford to be misled one more time
because we can't not
because we cannot help without your willingness
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?
I hate you

MY WEEKEND SONG WHEN WE WERE IN THE BAND -2002

Monday morning is not Monday morning
until Brian has his coffee
Friday night is not Friday night
until Mikey leaves the room sweaty
Tuesday morning is not Tuesday morning
until Ziggy has his talk with his son
Thursday night is not Thursday night
until Chris has sex with his bass

Come on to the weekend
because the weekend I'll get high
Hold off until the weekend
because there's too much time to think
And there will be hot guys

Tuesday morning is Wednesday afternoon
When you cry all night
Wednesday early we fall into work
all caught up in the day by day
Thursday morning is not Thursday morning
until Katie says how's your life
how's your life?
Yeah how's your life

Come on to the weekend
because the weekend I'll get by
Hold off until the weekend
because there's too much time to think and not much time to cry
Hold off until the weekend
because the weekend we'll be high

What if there were no more mama's boys
What if no one shared their humble appearance
What if there were no consequences
What if there were no more arguments
Well that'd be a shame
Wouldn't that be impossible
and you would be so bored
because you wouldn't want it a little too late...

Hold on until the weekend
because the man upstairs has the really nice eyes
Hold off until the weekend
because we may look strange but we surely will get by

12/31/2001 ~PAH

I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up
I was afraid of your physical strength
I was afraid you'd hit me below the belt
I was afraid of your sucker punch
I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me
I was afraid of your temper
I was afraid of handles being flown off of
I was afraid of holes being punched into walls
I was afraid of your testosterone
I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character

I was afraid of verbal daggers
I was afraid of the calm before the storm
Iwas afraid for my own bones
I was afraid of your seduction
I was afraid of your coersion
I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation
I was afraid of your punishment
I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume
I was afraid of your manipulation
I was afraid of your explosions

I have as much rage as you do
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue

My apologies ~2002.. (I think this was a Brian one)

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing relentlessly
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and overfunctioning

To whom do I owe the biggest apology ?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarassingly conditional
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
and for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball

And
To whom do I owe the biggest apology ?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me

I'm sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
and for my impatience when I was perfect where I was
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready
and expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be

To whom do I owe the first apology ?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me


Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter
I would’ve naturally loved the former

For ignoring you: my highest voices
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious
For being so disassociated from my body
and for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing

To whom do I owe the biggest apology ?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me

Haaaaaa To Back in the day Dave...2000 ~thanks for the email

You're love isn't enough
You're just a party boy
Babe

From the moment I walked into your life
I knew right then it was a serious
thing for you

I got a kick out of your party friends
After a while I found a holiday, overdue
Grew completely away from you
Your love just wasn't enough

You're just a party boy
there's no time for sleeping because you're misbehaving
You're just a party boy
Wake up soon and open your eyes
the time has come to see the light

It took me long enough to realize
That all you give me is a really big broken heart
And I remember how it used to be
There was a time when we could never be
torn apart and now I wish that we could make a start
You know I gave you all my love

This world of yours turning upside down
Going up and down like a merry-go-round
A rumor is going on right across the town
Why can't you see it?

I gave you love like you never knew
And you're giving me nothing but an attitude
And now I'm gonna give a bit of solitude
I'll miss you baby
Misbehaving - now I'll miss ya

You're just a party party party boy
I've got to say to you so you listen
Good Bye!
I was born in 1976
on a calm meticulous street
someplace in the sun
oh the air was sweet
and enough lights sprang sparks
through the window of the room
not as raw to a ridiculous tune
slightly out of key in the mother hour

So leave me alone
I'm busy breaking bones

I was born in 1976
in a breached feet-first way
my twin opened the door
my very first dose of chivalry
I was dawned princess potential potent
with gold star and matching impression
big between two doors
small and loved and proud and unthreatened

So leave me alone
I'm busy breaking bones

I bet you were strong
when you should have been weak
like a dam that wanted to break
I wish I were the stones
your river learned to roam
in whispering gaze

You were told in a kind Bostononian twang way
to slow down, back up, or be hated
thank goddess you did not
and thank goddess you did
an angel either way

So leave us alone
We're busy being grown

FOR BRIAN MEOLA 11/21/2003

My foundation was rocked.
My tried and true way to deal was to vanish.
My departures were old.
I stood in the room shaking in my boots.
At that particular time love had challenged me to stay.
At that particular moment I knew not run away again.
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you.
At that particular time

We thought a break would be good.
For four months we sat and vacillated.
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding.
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait.
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient.
That particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant.

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself.
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell.
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt.
And in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself…I am

You knew you needed more time.
Time spent alone with no distraction.
You felt you needed to fly.
Solo and high to define what you wanted.
At that particular love encouraged me to leave.
At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me.
That particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
At that particular time

My favorite one ever

What's it been? Over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago.
We only influenced eachother totally.
We only bruised eachother even more so.
What are you my blood?
You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad?
You affect me like you are my dad.
How long can a girl be shackled to you?
And how long before my dignity is reclaimed?
How long can a girl be haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't flinch at your name.
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.
Where have you been?
I heard you moved to my city.
My sister saw you somewhere down town.
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you.
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again.
What are you my God?
You touch me like you are my God.
What are you my twin?
You affect me like you are my twin.
How long can a girl be tortured by you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed.
How long can I be haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.
So here I am. One room away from where I know you are standing.
A Well intentioned girl told me you just walked in
This girl knows not how this information has affected me.
But she knows the color of the truck I just drove away in.
What are you my kin?
You touch me like you are my kin.
What are you my air?
You affect me like you are my air.
How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
How long can I stay haunted by you?
Soon I'll gropw up and I won't flinch at your name.
Yeah, soon I'll be strong enough and I won't ever flinch at your name.

FOR SULLY....Remember that night?

Little Paradise
Can you see the view? Can you feel the heat?
I'm saving no more time for you, there's no time for me
You're up on the news, I'm wild in the streets
I'm under the lights, tonight I won't have to hide the need

But you have love in its place
In its own time and space
You've got love in its place in your
Little Paradise

You got fashion secure in your own little world
Diamonds are forever for Hollywood boys
No need to cover, no reason to lie
Life without your Harley's is grounds for suicide

But you have love in its place
In its own time and space
You've got love in its place in your
Little Paradise



YOU KNOW

Treat Me Right
You want me to leave, you want me to stay
You ask me to come back, you turn and walk away
You want to be lovers, and you want to be friends
I'm losing my patience, you're nearing the end

One of these days you're going to reach out and find
The one that you count on has left you behind
Don't want to be a martyr, you know I'm not a saint
Oh my baby, before it's too late

Treat Me Right
Open your eyes, maybe you'll see the light

Do you think I'm a fool, well you better think twice
I've had enough baby, it's time you realized
That you can't have it both ways, it's no way to live
You've done all the taking, it's your turn to give

One of these days you're gonna reach out and find
The one that you count on has left you behind
Don't want to be a martyr, with no one, no way
Oh my baby, before it's too late

Treat Me Right

Friday, January 30, 2004

JUST A FEW THOUGHTS . . . BORED VERY VERY BORED

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup? If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived) Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars? Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?

Thursday, January 29, 2004

A tiny bit of a change to the Bolgger Template folks........ Not sure how much I love it yet

Thank you for this

I CRACKED UP WHEN I SAW THIS IN MY EMAIL AND I WAS EVEN MORE SURPRISED TO SEE WHO IT WAS FROM. I sometimes forget how many people read this blogger. Thanks baby boy. Hurry home with those sassy green eyes.

Posted to Ruby@Rubysfire.com Thursday January 29, 2004 08:41 a.m. EST
My friend Katie is not an open book. She is not a person you should take for granted either. She is one of the most inspiring human beings I have ever met. Her talent for writing is both to be envied and awarded. You may read her blogs and think she could possibly be a freak but this is not the case. If Katie had $2.00 in her pocket she would give you $1.00 if you needed it. If you are cold, she will open her living room to you and listen to all of your "drama". If you ever get the pleasure to be stuck outside at 3 am in the middle of a quarry with her and hear the poetic philosophies that pour off of her lips then you will know exactly what I mean. I look at this entire blog situation and I finally came to the solution. She never sulks or cries to anyone. She is so concerned about everyone else and how they are. Let me give you an example. Her dad passed away and I never knew until a few months after. I called to say hi and see how things were and all she cared about was how I was doing and if I was ok. She always wants to fix everyone else. This blogger is what her friends should be. This blogger is where she cries. Where she tells it all. This is her way of letting it all go. Judge her. Do what ever you want. Call her crazy, call her a freak. The funny part of that is even when you do hurt her or insult her, she would be there for you if you asked. But whatever. That's just her. So my crimson pumpkin pie, here's what I think. Just a few thoughts for ya. Post this up for me... I want the whole entire world to know who you really are. You are the most wonderful chic in the world. Cheer up Cookie. I don't like seeing those Blue eyes cry ever. ~ Sully

She's writing, she's writing,
She's writing a novel.
She's writing, she's weaving,
Conceiving a plot.
It quickens, it thickens.
You can't put it down now.
It takes you, it shakes you,
It makes you lose your thought.

But you're caught in your own glory.
You are believing your own stories.
Writing your own headlines.
Ignoring your own deadlines.
But now you've gotta write them all again.

You think she's an open book,
But you don't know which page to turn to, do you?
You think she's an open book,
But you don't know which page to turn to, do you?
Do you? Do you?

You want her, confront her.
Just open your window.
Unbolt it, unlock it,
Unfasten your latch.
You want it, confront it.
Just open your window.
All you really have to do is ask.

But you're caught in your own glory.
You are believing your own stories.
Timing your contractions.
Inventing small contraptions
That roll across your polished hardwood floors.

You think she's an open book,
But you don't know which page to turn to, do you?
You think she's an open book,
But you don't know which page to turn to, do you?
Do you? Do you?

You think she's an open book,
But you don't know which page to turn to, do you?
Do you? Do you? Do you?

One more thing Ruby Red Crimson pie,
You're my honey bunch, sugar plum
Pumpy umpy umpkin
You're my sweetie pie.
You're my cuppy cake, gum drop
Shnookum shnookum shnooks
The apple of my eye.

Remember that jingle? You had the entire place flying out of their chairs.
Be good, be safe and know that I think of you alot.
Someday your prince will come and your life will be all that it should be.
You rock supa star!
Sulls
Stacy Katelyn Lally ...... R.I.P. Mama. I am so sorry you are not here with me right now. I am sorry that you thought you had no other option. I am sorry I was a terrible friend to you. I am sorry I could not help you. It's been four years.
UMMMMMMM CAN U SAY KATIE IS A PSYCHO PATH? I REALLY AM RIGHT NOW
The moon has said good night. This Wednesday has bid farewell. My bed is screaming my name and yet I am still awake. I love my roof so much. I think you all would laugh at me right now if you saw me. I am in my black Old Navy Yoga Pants, My black ski parker and my Outlaws ski hat. My left hand is covered by my Burberry leather glove and my right hand is bare so I can type. hahah. My feet are covered with my LL Bean snow boots and I am literally sitting in the snow on my roof. I love this weather. I think I was made to live in an Igloo. I wish that you all were sitting on my roof right now. Not quite sure how good it is to have my lap top in this weather. If it breaks I will most definitely replace it Tony I promise you. I went out tonight. I actually had an eventful night. I think there are still people lingering in my kitchen.... let me see...... Nope. Everyone has called it a night Thank Goddess. I had a good night considering the terrible day I had. Everything was fun and nice until I realized my 2 carat solitaire diamond earring was amongst the missing. I had the entire bar on their hands and knees. It was quite the laughing stock actually, considering the fact that I had the microphone directing people where to look. Then Jay finally walks up to me and says "K, what the fuck is that attached to your turtle neck?" Hahahahah yeah! there it was. My pride and joy. My Earring was mulling on my collar. At any rate, it turned out to be a funny night. We met some new people....Like that is a big surprise right? I ran into Jay Newell again and he is drawing me a tattoo that I have my heart set on. I have to go visit him tomorrow. I described it and he penciled a draft for me on a napkin and I am so siked right now.
The fresh air I am inhaling into my lungs is like a drug for me right now. My nose is running and I feel so healthy. Besides the fact that these fucking pop-ups are annoying me I feel serenity.
Sometimes when I am on my roof, (And for those who know me, and are wondering what roof?... the one directly outside of HAnnah's bedroom. The FLAT ONE) ...anyway. Sometimes when I am on my roof I talk to my Dad or to Stacy or even to Stevie and Ray. I tell Stevie how much I miss him and I let him know the drama of the week. I tell my dad that I wish he was sitting right here with me and then I will feel a wind blow strong and feel him here. I will ask Stacy over and over again why she killed herself. Why she didn't tell me where she was. I ask her why she would not answer her phone that night. I tell her how mad I am at her. How deeply her death affected me and how everytime I see someone blow a line of cocaine up their nose, that I hate her. I feel guilty sometimes for the hate I feel for her. I feel so bad that I think she was so fucking selfish. I blame myself for dropping her off early because I was so wrapped up in finding Brian and apologizing. I feel so guilty that I didn't hear her cry for help. The fact that I was right there in my jeep, sitting with her one hour before she was dead. I yell at the top of my lungs and ask her WHY? WHy did you leave me Stace? WHy did you think you had it that bad mama? How could you not think of Hannah and me? Why did I desert her that night? When I went to her house the next day to bring her her purse that she left in my jeep...... I just cannot bare to live the next scene. The note she left was heart wrenching. The entire note was mostly about Hannah and her niece Morgan. She kept apologizing over and over again and repeatedly asked that I not read the note. You stupid fucking bitch. I found you in your tub. I found your note. I saw you there lifeless. How could you leave me mama? How could you do that to your family and friends and to Morgan. Her dog was there that morning. I remember her licking up the ice coffees I dropped on the floor. She was everywhere. Oh God and the music that was playing over and over again sounded like a record skipping. What was that fucking song. IT is like blocked from my mind. I remember sweeping up the glass and being in such shock after I called 911 that I was humming the tune. "doo doo doo do.. doo doo I know. Do Do Do DO DO do do I know Love will find a way. Darling love is gonna find a way. Find it's way back to you. Love is gonna find a way back to you. Yeah. I know." TESLA. Stace. What the fuck. What a waste of a life. You were so pretty and funny. You know who you were exactly like (and I am sure you are smiling down on me agreeing) You are just like Liz. Little fucking punk of a best friend. She speaks her mind just like you always did. She cries to me when we are together and doesn't mind holding me while we sleep. She watches out for me. She protects me and she is exactly what you were baby cakes. You have no idea how bad you killed me when you killed you. The day I watched them carry you out of your bathroom was the day they took a piece of me right along with your body. You took my life away the day you took your own. I hate you for that. For weeks and weeks I would sit by your headstone and cry and talk to you as if you were right there with me. Plenty of nights Brian found me there sound asleep at 6 am. I couldn't bare living, knowing that you were in the cold icy ground. I loved you so much and you didn't even think about what you did to me. Brian used to tell me that you were sick. You couldn't control your illness.... Why didn't you tell me you were sad. Why couldn't you tell me that you were mental? I won't even drive by the cemetary. Last year my sister in law MAry was buried where you are and I can't even bring flowers to her. I hate you and it is all of your fault. You should have come to me and you should have told me you were sad. MY GODDESS STACE! You heard it all from me. I am so angry with you and I am sorry.
I am not quite sure where that rant just came from. I think it was from my first shrink appointment the other night. I think that a huge can of worms was opened and you know what? I feel better. Renae, Chrissy, Jackie, Linda and even LIZ do not know anything about Stacy. When she died, I never spoke of her again. I actually convinced myself that she never ever existed. Tonight Liz had her hair up in a pony tail and had her glasses on. She turned to me to say something and I almost threw up. My therapist asked me about Stacy on Monday and I started to spill the beans. He told me that I really need to vent it to him. He said that I can trust him when he says I will feel better. Well I vented to him and I wanted to punch his wall in and now I am venting here and I want to punch my wall in. HOW IS THIS EFFECTIVE???? I do not undestand that.
You guys can all pass judgement on me. I don't care. I seriously don't. I know that I am a good person who tried to do all of the right things. In my 27 years of life, I have lived through alot. I never should have endured what I did endure. EVER! Have you ever walked into a room happily and then find your best friend dead? Did you ever sit next to your precious dad and watch him take his last breath, right before your eyes? Well don't fucking tell me that I am uncaring or selfish. Don't you dare say that I am greedy or egotistic. I have been through more hell than all of you puit together and quite fucking frankly I am sick and tired of everyone elses feelings. I am sick of explaining why I am the way I am. I am tired of voicing the fact that I am fucked up and have no means to love. I have not a working part of my heart inside of me except to pump my blood. I do not know how to love. I do not know how to give anymore. I am a terrible person with no heart. I know this and I accept this. Now it is time for me to find my heart again. Find my truth. Spill my guts. Speak my secrets and voice my thoughts. I am not going to hold back so that noone is hurt. Ya Know what? I think I have been hurt WAY TOO LONG for me to give a shit. So her goes:
Daddy, I hate you for dying. Mom is so sad all the time. I cry every night. Our lives will never ever be the same. Stevie, It was not your fault but it ruined me the day you died. My God it will be 13 years almost. Stacy, I don't think I will ever have it in me to forgive you. You rocked and smashed my entire world. You were selfish and I hate you for that. Ray, I will miss you for a long time. You were very special to me.

Yeah..... so maybe this therapy thing wasn't such a great idea.
I feel angry now. I don't feel any better at all...if anything I feel worse.
I am freezing my bum off right now and my tears are literally icicles.

Daddy, I am sorry. I don't hate you. I love you and I just want you back. I hated every moment that you were sick and suffering but atleast I could lay on your chest and hear your heart beat. I miss you so much that it pains me every day...even after almost 4 years.

Yeah. It's time for me to call it a night. My mascara is stinging my eyes and my lips are so chapped right now that they sting. My tears are frozen and my teeth are chattering.

Good night.

I love you guys!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I am so upset right now. I have been going through the chapters of Ruby's Fire and depressing myself. The guy who has been typing the manuscript said he was almost in tears reading some of it. My aim was not to depress people. My aim was to show how I have grown through this madness and how much stronger I am. But I am not stronger at all. I feel weaker. I am so depressed right now. Chapter 2 is called "Paul" and I seriously, after reading the entire chapter, X'd the box and started to cry. I cannot believe the pain and anguish that man put me through. You have to remember that I started writing this book a long time ago and I am just editing and re writing some of the old parts and trying to write the middle and end. The editor whom by the way happens to have known my dad, is becoming frustrated with the length of the chapters and the details. He wants so many things cut out of it and I really don't. I am not experienced at this author thing and I am just overwhelmed. February 13th is right around the corner and I feel like once again...a failure. That it is not going to be a good book. That noone is going ro like it. So I really have not grown and I am definitely not strong.
I fucking suck.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

I twisted my ankle this morning. I am sitting helplessly in my office all alone. As usual. I am not a happy camper. I am supposed to get my taxes done this afternoon and Goddess knows when another human being might actually show up for work. It sickens me to the core that these idiots I work for just come and go as they please. It must be nice to live their lives. I don't get it. I am not a fucking receptionist, secretary or metals clerk. o.k.? Leave me alone, let me run the company and give me a raise. I do everyone elses job so we may as well consolidate and get rid of the heroin addict, the gym addict and the gossip queen and just keep me on and give me more money. Christ, the Money we would save alone. It is just ridiculous. I mean I am not saying that I am perfect. I am the first one to go get my nails done or take a 2 hour lunch to go to Macy's. I will even leave early for no apparent reason and get away with it all. But all of my work is done and I never leave anyone hanging. I am so sick of it. I am going to ring Johnny's neck. HE is driving me batty. HE is leaving for Vegas this weekend and now I want to go. I am watching the baby so I cant go and he is stressing me out.

I am cooking my famous "Meola" Chili for the big game. Apparently I am also in charge of the salsa and cheese dip. I guess everyone loved it last year. I just hung up with Brian's Mom and she gave me the secret ingredient finally for the Chili. It took me bribing her with a free haircut and manicure but I got it. Renie is calling me later with the list of events and I am so not looking forward to that.

I am so miserable right now. My ankle is throbbing. I want my mommy and I want to go home. I was in bed right after american idol last night. Paul and Hannah were still playing Sony when I fell asleep. Goddess knows how long Hanny was up. At any rate this morning she was up and ready as I exited the shower. So she was in a bright and sunny mood. Good thing because I was in a shitty one. ha ha ha

I have not talked to Andy in a few days. I hope he is alright. HE has been working long hours and overnights. But ususally I hear from him. Especially since the Super Bowl is coming up and we always have fun on Superbowls ... woo hoo. It is our favorite time of year. I need a fun day.

Yawn. I think it is nap time. I am going to play my YOGA techno mix and try to take a nap on the couch in my office for a few. Yeah my job sux huh? I am done with my work and Justin is in the front office so he can freaking answer the phone.

Ruby's Fire is not even close to being finished. I am having anxiety attacks left and right. Ahhhhhh
I will work on that around 2:30 ish.

My mood today is: Luke warm
I feel like: The world is on my shoulders
I am happy because: I have a beautiful daughter
I am sad because: I am not rich yet
My goal is: to become one with myself and find happiness

Monday, January 26, 2004

People keep asking me how things are going in my life. I just chuckle and state to them that it is the same old shit but a larger pile. I can't really be specific because Goddess Forbid someone may take it the wrong way which is why part of this blogger will be blocked. Starting....... Now ***BLOGGER BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED USERS ONLY***
So in closing I guess I will say that I am feeling very uneasy, quite smothered by everyone in my life (not just specific person or people. I am feeling anxious about my book. I am aggravated with the whole editing process and also very confused at the manuscript. Alot of stuff has been crossed out and re worded but I do not like the way it has been edited. I like my words. At any rate. My dead line is Friday Feb. 13. I am so pressed for time. I am stressing, there are not enough hours in my day. I need to get the book done, try to have the rest of my time with Hanny and then try to establish a relationship. I am wigging out. I am tired of endless explanations and tireless efforts to make everyone happy and you know what? I am not doing it anymore. I am focusing on my well being. I need to do that for myself. I need to concentrate on fixing myself. I actually did it. I made an appointment for a shrink. It will cost me alot of $$ but I don't care. I need it and finally I will be able to deal with all of my skeletons instead of living with them. I will be able to fix myself...... BY MYSELF.
John and I are arguing. He is going to Vegas this weekend and I am taking a 1/2 day Friday, Going skiing Saturday and then Liz's Super Bowl party on Sunday. I have the baby all weekend. So I need to find a sitter for Skiing on Sat. We are only going to Wachusset for the day. I promised Hannah. So anyway.. becuse Liz is going away, I have William and HAnnah and then skiing and Super Bowl ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Have a great day! I am off to work for the time being.
Katie
Listed below are some of the activities that may take place during a session. It is important that you convey to The Girls whether or not an activity is intriguing to you so that you find your ultimate subspace, so be honest! The Mistress has explored nearly every BDSM fantasy, kink, or fetish. Ask, if it is not listed below. Her personal limits are no bestiality, minors, blood play, breath play, blackmail fantasies, scat play, infantilism, roman showers, red showers, or brown showers. If you are unsure of the meaning of any of the following terms, email the girls listed at Rubysfire.com. The following activities are maybe added in light to liberal doses, separately or in combinations. They may also be omitted. All is done safely and within your limits.

Bondage: Caging, Chains, Chair, Cuffs, Gags, Horse, Leather, Mummification, Pallet Wrap, Saran Wrap, Rope, Spanking Bench, Spreader Bars, Table, Tape, Lacing Table

Corporal Punishment: Beating, Caning, Flogging,(MY favorite) Paddling, Slapping, Spanking, Whipping

Depersonalization: Ashtray, Chair, Doormat, Foot Stool, Toilet, Furniture

Humiliation: Confession, Domestic Discipline, Face Slapping, Feminization, Financial Abuse, Interrogation, Kennel Training, Medical Examination, Panty Training, Pony Play, Public Display, Shaving, Spitting, Verbal Abuse (NOT ONE OF MY FAVORITES)

Miscellaneous: Crushing, Food Play, Foot Worship, Nail Worship, Psychodrama, Smothering (Clothed), Trampling,

Role-playing: Amazon/captive, Babysitter/child, Bitch Queen/subject, Boss/employee, Goddess/worshipper, Mistress/slave, Nurse/patient, Mother/baby, Teacher/student

Sensory Deprivation: Blindfolds, Dark Closet, Earplugs, Hoods

Stimulation: Catheters, CBT, Clamps, Clothespins, Finger Nails, Hair Brush, Hair Pulling, Wax Play, Ice, NT/TT, Neuro Wheel, Ointments, Play Piercing, Surface Play, Tickling, Zippers

We have included this information below for those who have never experienced BDSM or D/s erotica. Ruby's Girls gets a lot of interest from "vanilla" men and women and thinks some of this information will be helpful to you.

What does the BDSM emblem mean?

The BDSM emblem was created to be multifunctional and discreetly worn.To the "vanilla" in our society, who aren't so accepting of the lifestyle, it is seen as an attractive piece of jewelry. So, we can wear it without stigmatism. To other BDSM'ers,however, it enables us to voice our support of the lifestyle.

The emblem, however, is quite meaningful.

The three sections represent the various threesomes of BDSM. First, the three entities of BDSM itself: B&D, D&S, and S&M. Secondly, the three-way creed of BDSM behavior: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thirdly, the three divisions of our community: Tops, Bottoms, and Switches.It is this third that gives meaning to the holes in each unit. The holes represent the incompleteness of any individual within the BDSM context.

"Though she bends him...she obeys him.
Though she draws him...yet she follows
Useless without eachother. "
Longfellow


However "together"and sane whole individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other BDSM cannot be done alone.

If you noticed the similarities to the Ying-Yang, it is not accidental. The curved outline of Yin and Yang represent the hazy border between where one ends and the other begins, so do the curved borders here represent the indistinct divisions between B&D, D&S, and S&M.

The hard metal color of the medallion represents the chains or irons of BDSM servitude/ownership. The inner black depicts the dark side of the BDSM genre.


Just another quick public email response. Thank you for your inquires. I will try very hard to answer all questions left unanswered. I am just trying to handle this email madness. I only have 24 hours in a day and the book has taken up a lot of my time. Please bare with me. Thank you very much for your interest.
Ruby

SOME OF MY BDSM QUALITIES... For the Edster

Here are some qualities I think are found in a good Mistress. As always, YMMV.

1. Control. Above all, a good Mistress is always in control of herself. She does not rant or rave, and never punishes when angry. On the rare times that temper overwhelms her, she walks away until she regains balance. After all, how can a Domme control her sub if she can't control herself?

2. Creative. A good Dominant puts time, energy and creativity in her scenes. She is not satisfied playing the same games over and over, and goes the extra length to come up with new and different ideas.

3. Human. The best Mistress knows she is human. She realizes she will make mistakes, and is quick to apologize when she does. She knows she won't be thought of as any less "Dommly" because of an apology. On the flip side, she realizes that others will make mistakes also, and even though she may punish for the mistake, she accepts an apology graciously and puts the event in the past.

4. Compassionate. A good Mistress is compassionate. She cares about her sub(s), friends and family. She takes time to listen and respond to the needs of others. She isn't selfish and doesn't have the illusion that the world revolves around her. (Well sometimes I do.. but refer to #3 again) hee hee

5. Technique. A good Domme works on her play technique. She knows how to use her toys and practices frequently. She reads the latest books and talks to others in the scene. An effective Mistress tests her toys on herself before she uses them on her sub.

6. Consistent. The best FemmeDom is consistent in her instructions and requests. She doesn't give her sub conflicting commands. She delivers equal punishment for equal offenses, and equal rewards when pleased. She is firm in her direction and does not waiver when faced with a difficult situation.

7. Thorough. An effective Dominant is thorough. She directs a scene from start to finish to better allow her sub to achieve headspace. She takes away all distractions and decisions...telling her sub what position she desires, what needs she wants fulfilled, and how this is best accomplished.

8. Respectful. A good Mistress respects herself and others. She strives to always project herself in the best possible light, and expects the same from her submissives. She is well-groomed, and takes pride in her looks. She takes good care of her toys and equipment.

9. Safe. A Domme worth playing with is safe. She is aware of the damage she can cause a submissive and does her best to prevent harm. She knows first-aid and attends classes periodically to keep herself updated.

10. Communication. A good Domme is an effective communicator. She says what she means, and means what she says. She is specific and chooses her words carefully. She doesn't rant, nag or whine because she knows this shows a lack of control. She states instructions in a clear, easy-to-understand manner.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Come to me now
Lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright
And I shall believe
Broken in two
I know you're on to me
Because I only come home when I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughtta be
It seems like everytime I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly that you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
Open the door
Show me your face tonight
I kow it's true
Noone hears me like you
And you hold the key
Never again will I turn away from you
I'm so happy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughtta be
It seems that everytime I try to makre it right
it all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
That not everything is going to be the way you think it oughtta be
Everytime I try to make it right it all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
I think I was wrong
I think you were right
And all my angry words will keep me up at night
And through my old screen door
I still hear you say
Oh honey won't you stop treating me that way
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Because babe I'm trying to change
Tell it to me slow
Tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know how to let it slide
I swear I can see you
Coming up my driveway
And there is nothing like regret
To remind you you're alive
If you could only see
What love has done to me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
I crossed the canyon a thousand times
And never noticed what was mine
What you'll remember of me tonight
Well it almost makes me cry
It almost makes me cry
I'm trying to change
Oh ball breaking moon
And Ridiculing stars
The older I get
The closer you are
Don't you have somewhere that you need to be?
Instead of hanging here making a fool of me?
But you won't see the change in me
I'll forever be in your mind
The difficult kind
You won't see the good in me
I guess I won't change

To Andy, thought of you while typing this ha ha

I woke up at dawn this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore
I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 am and I'm alone
Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending to a bad day
I was just beginning
When you go all I know is you're my Favorite Mistake
All your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game
Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames
Did you know when you it's a perfect ending
To a bad day I'm getting used to spending
When you go all I know is you're my Favorite Mistake
Well maybe nothing last forever
Even when you stay together
I'd live for ever after
Lose your laughter, I won't let you go
So I won't let it end this way
Did you know, Could you tell you were the only one
THat I ever loved
But everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by
Did I ever make you cry?
You're my Favorite Mistake

EXCUSE ME WHILE I SCREAM

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHH

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Caught between a rock and a hard place was an expression that I never truly understood until this very moment. I am feeling both confused and aggitated inside. My mind is spinning like the teacups ride in an amusement park. It keeps turning and moving around in circles and making me completely dizzy. I am very much in love yet I am unclear of how I need to approach this feeling in my heart and my mind. I am frightened. I am edgy. I am timid. I feel as if a hurricane has come through my life and now I am left to pick up all of the pieces. I am saddened that I eel this way because I have such an oppurtunity to be happy and I know how I feel. I am just having a hard time with commiting my heart to someone again. I know that I will never be hurt by him. I know he loves me. I just feel as if I am not putting all of me into this because of my fears. I feel as though I am depriving him of my completeness and I want to wither away. I feel like I am being unfair.
A close friend of mine recommended that I go and see a therapist. He thinks that it may help me with the heart aches that have put me in my present state of mind. The scars and bruises I have inside of me apparently will fade if I talk to this "therapist". I have been thining long and hard about it and have ran it by a few of my other close friends, and they also feel like it could be a good idea. Pierre gave me the number of this certain "shrink" and I think I am going to call him tomorrow.
Now don't go freaking out about the contents of this blogger.... it is truth that lies deep within.
I cannot hold it inside me anymore. I have been burned soo deeply, inside of my heart.
I want no changes in the way things are. I am not reconsidering. I am just trying to make my self whole.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

I believe the human mind contains many rooms. The rooms hold our thoughts, dreams, secrets, and our darkest desires; the inner chambers to who and what we are and what we reach for.
Welcome to the inner chamber of delicious deviance, the romping room of my mind. A place designed for those seeking twisted distraction in a world where pain meets pleasure, where dark passion meets the truth of what lurks within.
Welcome to my home.
Play in my rooms.
You hold the key to each door, it's in your desire.

www.rubysrompinroom.com

Sunday, January 18, 2004

I had the most remarkable weekend. I was involved in q house fire in Avon, I watched the PAtriots win the championship and gloated because I won 350 on the spread, not to mention the new lap top I got from Tony..... I am such a spoiled brat.... So yeah to sum it up, I did not sleep much last night due to heavy clouds of smoke in my nose and lungs.......but it was a weekend to remember.
I am off to a nice tub, nice book and then to bed.
Have a great evening..... until tomorrow...
Oh my Goddess, by the wqy....definitely make it a point to see American Wedding. . . . . I am still laughing. . . . . It's time to BOOM BOOM with the BRIDESMAIDS!

Ciao' for now!
Katie

Friday, January 16, 2004

My email (Ruby@Rubysfire.com) has been blowing up lately with people asking me questions regarding Wicca. People with good questions and of course the idiots who are so close minded and naive that it sickens me. For the people who are actually articulate and are truly interested, here is an exerpt from my book and also so great entries from my good friend Christian Day who is a renowned witch of Salem. He has answered alot of my questions while I was studying and researching and I feel as if he was my best mentor. He and Shawn Porier have a Website and you will find a ton of stuff on their. www.festivalofthedead.com or got to www.Salemwitches.com
Please read the following with an open heart and mind. If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.




What Is Wicca


Contrary to what those who choose to persecute or lie about us wish to believe, Wicca is a very peaceful, harmonious and balanced way of thinking and life which promotes oneness with the divine and all which exists.

Wicca is a deep appreciation and awe in watching the sunrise or sunset, the forest in the light of a glowing moon, a meadow enchanted by the first light of day. It is the morning dew on the petals of a beautiful flower, the gentle caress of a warm summer breeze upon your skin, or the warmth of the summer sun on your face. Wicca is the fall of colorful autumn leaves, and the softness of winter snow. It is light, and shadow and all that lies in between. It is the song of the birds and other creatures of the wild. It is being in the presence of Mother Earths nature and being humbled in reverence. When we are in the temple of the Lord and Lady, we are not prone to the arrogance of human technology as they touch our souls. To be a Witch is to be a healer, a teacher, a seeker, a giver, and a protector of all things. If this path is yours, may you walk it with honor, light and integrity.

Wicca is a belief system and way of life based upon the reconstruction of pre-Christian traditions originating in Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. While much of the information of how our ancestors lived, worshiped and believed has been lost due to the efforts of the medieval church to wipe our existence from history, we try to reconstruct those beliefs to the best of our ability with the information that is available.

With recent archaeological discoveries, we now have basis to believe that the origins of our belief system can be traced even further back to the Paleolithic peoples who worshipped a Hunter God and a Fertility Goddess. With the discovery of these cave paintings which have been dated to be around 30,000 years old depicting a man with the head of a stag, and a pregnant woman standing in a circle with eleven other people, it can reasonably be assumed that Witchcraft is the oldest religion known in the world toady. These archetypes are clearly recognized by Wiccan as our view of the Goddess and God aspect of the supreme creative force and predate Christianity by roughly 28,000 years making it a mere toddler in the spectrum of time as we know it. Sorry guy's, carbon dating is a little hard to dispute no matter how bad you want to try...

Witchcraft in ancient history was known as "The Craft of the Wise" because those who followed the path were healers, were in tune with the forces of nature, had a knowledge of Herbs and medicines, gave council and were valuable parts of the village and community as Shamanic leaders. They understood that mankind is not superior to nature, the earth and its creatures but instead we are simply one of the many parts, both seen and unseen that combine to make the whole. As Chief Seattle said; "We do not own the earth, we are part of it." These wise people understood that what we take or use, we must return in kind to maintain balance and equilibrium. Clearly, modern man with all his applied learning and technology has forgotten this. Subsequently, we currently face ecological disaster and eventual extinction because of our hunger for power and a few pieces of gold.

For the past several hundred years, the image of the Witch has been mistakenly associated with evil, heathenism, and unrighteousness. In my humble opinion, these misconceptions have their origin in a couple of different places.

To begin, the medieval church of the 15th through 18th centuries created these myths to convert the followers of the old nature based religions to the churches way of thinking. By making the Witch into a diabolical character and turning the old religious deities into devils and demons, the missionaries were able to attach fear to these beliefs which aided in the conversion process. Secondly, as medical science began to surface, the men who were engaged in these initial studies had a very poor understanding of female physiology, especially in the area of a women's monthly cycles. The unknowns in this area played very well with the early churches agenda lending credence to the Witch Hunters claims and authority. The fledgling medical professions also stood to benefit greatly from this because it took the power of the women healers away giving it to the male physicians transferring the respect and power to them.

Unfortunately these misinformed fears and superstitions have carried forward through the centuries and remain to this day. This is why many who follow these nature oriented beliefs have adopted the name of Wicca over its true name of Witchcraft to escape the persecution, harassment and misinformation associated with the name of Witchcraft and Witch not to mention the bad publicity the press and Hollywood has given us simply to generate a profit.

What Witchcraft is:
Witchcraft is a spiritual system that fosters the free thought and will of the individual, encourages learning and an understanding of the earth and nature thereby affirming the divinity in all living things. Most importantly however, it teaches responsibility. We accept responsibility for our actions and deeds as clearly a result of the choices we make. We do not blame an exterior entity or being for our shortcomings, weaknesses or mistakes. If we mess up or do something that brings harm to another, we have no one but ourselves to blame and we must face the consequences resulting from those actions. No ifs, ands or buts and no whining...

We acknowledge the cycles of nature, the lunar phases and the seasons to celebrate our spirituality and to worship the divine. It is a belief system that allows the Witch to work with, not in supplication to deities with the intent of living in harmony and achieving balance with all things.

The spells that we do involve healing, love, harmony, wisdom and creativity. The potions that we stir might be a headache remedy, a cold tonic, or an herbal flea bath for our pets. We strive to gain knowledge of and use the natural remedies placed on this earth by the divine for our benefit instead of using synthetic drugs unless absolutely necessary.

Wiccan believe that the spirit of the One, Goddess and God exist in all things. In the trees, rain, flowers, the sea, in each other and all of natures creatures. This means that we must treat "all things" of the Earth as aspects of the divine. We attempt to honor and respect life in all its many manifestations both seen and unseen.

Wiccan learn from and revere the gift of nature from divine creation by celebrating the cycles of the sun, moon and seasons. We search within ourselves for the cycles that correspond to those of the natural world and try to live in harmony with the movement of this universal energy. Our teachers are the trees, rivers, lakes, meadows, mountains and animals as well as others who have walked this path before us. This belief creates a reverence and respect for the environment, and all life upon the Earth.

We also revere the spirits of the elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water which combine to manifest all creation. From these four elements we obtain insight to the rhythms of nature and understand they are also the rhythms of our own lives.

Because Witches have been persecuted for so many centuries, we believe in religious freedom first! We do not look at our path as the only way to achieve spirituality, but as one path among many to the same end. We are not a missionary religion out to convert new members to think the same as we do. We are willing to share our experience and knowledge with those who seek our wisdom and perspective however. We believe that anyone who is meant for this path will find it through their own search as the Goddess speaks to each of us in her time and way. Wiccan practice tolerance and acceptance toward all other religions as long as those faiths do not persecute others or violate the tenant of "Harm None."

What Witchcraft is not:
Witchcraft or Wicca is not a cult. We do not proclaim ourselves to be spokespersons for the divine or try to get others to follow us as their leaders.


We do not worship Satan or consort with Demons. Satan is a Christian creation and they can keep him. We do not need a paranoid creation of supreme evil and eternal damnation to scare us into doing the right thing and helping others. We choose to do the right thing and love our brothers and sisters because it IS the right thing and it feels good to do it. I suppose it is a maturity thing.


We do not sacrifice animals or humans because that would violate our basic tenant of "Harm None." Anyone who does and claims to be a Wiccan or a Witch is lying.


We have no need to steal or control the life force of another to achieve mystical or supernatural powers. We draw our energy from within, our personal relationship with the divine and nature.


We do not use the forces of nature or the universe to hex or cast spells on others. Again, "Harm None" is the whole of the law.

Witches have a very strict belief in the Law of Three which states that whatever we send out into our world shall return to us three fold either good or bane. With this in mind, a "True Witch" would hesitate in doing magick to harm or manipulate another because that boomerang we throw will eventually come back to us much larger and harder then when we threw it.

This is not to say that Witches are perfect, we are human too just like everyone else and make mistakes and errors in judgment. Just as there are parents who love and nurture their children, there are parents who abuse their children. As there are many who devote their lives to giving and helping mankind, likewise there are those who devote their lives to taking advantage of and using people for their own gain. Unfortunately the same flaws in human nature applies to witches too.

Most of us continually strive to consider all potential outcomes of our thoughts and actions pausing to seriously consider the consequences before undertaking a ritual, spell or rite that could go astray. It is when we follow the path with the love of the Goddess in our hearts and adhere to the basic tenant of the Reed that our works are beneficial and we achieve harmony and balance with all things.

The heart of Wicca is not something summed up into a few short words and can often take on different meaning to each since the Lord and Lady touch us in different ways. To gain a fuller understanding of the Craft, I urge you visit the other pages on my good friend Christian Day's web site. (Also Sean Porier) (They both are Salem witches and are amazing and fascinating. Please visit their site at www.festivalofthedead.com as well as following the links to a select group of exceptional Wiccan and Witchcraft sites. Through the wisdom and words set down through the ages, you will find that you are able to understand the basis of our beliefs and how they may apply to you. Your inner voice will also quickly let you know if the intent of what you are reading is for superficial purposes to benefit self instead of working to benefit the whole. Remember to read with your heart, for it is when you see life and the world with your heart and spirit that you truly gain an understanding of what Wicca is.



I AM SO FREEZING RIGHT NOW....ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS WEATHER?

Yeah so I started the automobile this morning and left it running for about 40 minutes........ Still no warm heat to enjoy on the way to work. As much as I love the freezing air...... I was very unhappy and uncomfortable this morning. My heat was cranked to 85 all night and yet I was still freezing when I got out of bed. My fingers are still thawing out from the ride here. I have heated seats and steering wheel and still it never warmed up. I think there may be something wrong.....maybe the freezing cold damaged something in my engine. I am not a happy camper. My legs are still itching from thawing out. I hate that feeling. . . . .Anyway, I am leaving work early today because I am a pussy and I want to go back into my big comfy bed and climb under the covers and just be soooo warm... I think I will leave soon actually. At any rate, I am still freezing, my life seems to be falling apart at the seams. Liz is 'dissing" me for her boyfriend and I am not happy about it. When I ask her to come over, she tells me it is too cold out andthen she ends up over S's house. I am mad at Spanky because he has the power to end the insanity that is going on and yet he continues to let me feel like this. I don't get it. I am so upset about the whole thing. I really am. I feel as though I am losing my best friends and I am powerless. I do not like feeling like I have lost control of my life. I despiuse the way I am feeling. Thank Goodness that I do have Tony and Anthony. I guess they are the only ones I really have. I hate to talk like this about Elizabeth because I love her so much. I guess I do not understand what is really happening. MAybe we are just drifting apart. Maybe we are going in different directions. I don't know really. I am saddened and very uncomfortable. Whatever

Thursday, January 15, 2004

SHIT ... FRIENDS IS ON!!!!!

R.I.P. LOLA

My bestest Snake friend died about 4 hours ago..... I am just finding out right now. I brought her to the vet because she was sick and then and asked Brian to pick her up a few nights ago. He brought her home and I guess it was just too cold for her to get better. I know it isn't Brian's fault but I just want to kill him right now. I feel bad for feeling like this. He told me that the lamps in her room were all on and that he was giving her the pills the vet gave. She wouldn't eat anything. I know that much is true because when she was here she would not eat any of the 4 rats that I was trying to give her. Her "lips" (I know Boa's don't have lips) were chapped and frothy and I just knew something was wrong. The vet said she had a staff infection of some sort and when Brian picked her up he said she seemed ok. The only thing that seemed funny to him was her skin. It seemed like it was scaling and peeling which definitely will not happen on a freezing cold time of year. He was going to bring her to the vet tomorrow if she was not eating still but my little (13 1/2 feet long) Lil' Lola went to Snake heaven. Poor thing. I feel so bad. Brian had to call Ziggy to come pick her up. Apparently she is now buried in her favorite blanket in the back yard. I just got wicked shivers. I am a little pissed off that he did not call me right away. I would have liked to have been there when she was "sobbing". He said he heard her making noises. I am so beside myself right now.
I guess this is the final chapter of Brian and I. The good part about all of this is that we have no more ties. I feel bad for him because I know how much Louie and Lola mean to him. Oooohh Louie must be so sad right now. Do you think Snakes know that their life long companion is gone? Ooohh Louie is a widow. Poor Louie. Awwwwww.
I am going to miss her when I cook dinner and she literally "runs" around the corner and slivers around my legs until she is head level with me. She was awesome. She used to get jealous of me and try to suffocate Brian. hahahah No such luck though. She was seriously like a kid. I swear to Goddess she smiled at me. Anyway, My lil' Lola is dead and now I guess you can say Brian will finally be out of my life for good. Hmmmm. Thanks Lola. I will miss you baby girl.
Mama
I received some news today that is seriously eating me up inside. I am not sure why he sent me those words. I don't know why he doubts my love or even thinks that I may be with another man. Why doesn't he think he is good enough? Why doesn't he think that I love him????? It is making me feel very bitter. It is making me feel very angry in fact. I am in a bad way right now...why does he even want to be with me? Why would he want to torture himself? I am staying away for his sake only. There is nothing more that I want to do then lie in his arms while he holds me. Can't he see that? There is nothing in this world that will make me happier then him getting on one knee and asking me to marry him...The actual words from his mouth will make my life complete. The fact that I am wearing his ring and know that my miserable life will finally be over. I guess that is when I will be happy forever... When he and I are finally after ten years walking down the aisle, getting married and re-establishing our lives once again. Maybe that is the reassurance I need.
I love him but I just do not want to burden him. I am trying to work it out on my own. Trying to get over this "hump" by myself...maybe I should just let him help me. But I can't. I need him to see that I love him anyway without him ever helping me. But I do need him and I do love him and I am making myself crazy and I am feeling dizzy right now. If I died tonight I desperately want him to know how much I need him in my life, how thankful I am that we found eachother again and how I hope to the moon and back that I never lose him again. I love you baby... Why is it so hard for you to comprehend that? Why are you so insecure? If anyone should be insecure...it should be me.. not you and you know it! Please know I would never ever hurt you. I am stressed out but I will be o.k. Don't turn your back on me now. I don't think I could bare it.

Once again.....one of those times I wish I was a pot head. Christ who has the weed?? Come on over will ya?

I am going to bury myself in my next chapter. Hopefully it will make me feel better.
Babe, if you are reading this, Please believe me when I say that I do not want to be with anyone else...nor would I ever. I have no intentions of going to that greener side. You are green enough for me. You are the greenest. I pinky promise! You are the only one for me. I have known it for 10 years and I know it still. Some things are the way they are and words just can't explain. Just feel it in your heart. You have to know that. No one else has ever showed me how to feel the way that I am feeling... Just you. So don't you dare give up on me now. It would defeat the entire fate of it.

Blog for you all later. I just needed a quick vent.... Scroll down to the song by Sheryl Crow. I posted the lyrics and it is exactly how I have been feeling. I actually listened for the first time to the lyrics and it hit me very hard. How fucking true huh?

Until then...

THE SONG SINGING IN MY HEART....GODDESS HOW TRUE IS THIS?????? I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again...try
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

The first cut is the deepest baby i know
The first cut is the deepest try to love again...
~Sheryl Crow

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

WORD OF THE DAY

SUBSEQUENTLY

sub·se·quent
adj.
Following in time or order; succeeding.
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[Middle English, from Old French, from Latin subsequns, subsequent- present participle of subsequ, to follow close after : sub-, close after; see sub- + sequ, to follow; see sekw-1 in Indo-European Roots.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

subsequently

\Sub"se*quent*ly\, adv. At a later time; afterwards.

subsequently

adv : happening at a time subsequent to a reference time; "he apologized subsequently"; "he's going to the store but he'll be back here later"; "it didn't happen until afterward"; "two hours after that" [syn: later, afterwards, afterward, after, later on]

MEMORY LANE

As the last drop of my herbal tea soaks into my stomach I am still wide awake and uneasy. Time for my third mug of it apparently. I have taken the match to my unlit cigarette of 4 days and taken the "puff". I feel only lightheaded and nausea.....no stress relief. Hmmmm pointless you might say. I agree. I feel so weird today emotionally. I can't really express the exact words of how I feel. I was talking at length to Elizabeth last night and this morning and she thinks that I may have a touch of the Winter Blues. Interesting analogy I thought but I have to beg to differ. For Winter is my favorite time of year. I love awakening to a cold wooden floor. Walking to my morning shower is a long, cold, yet rejuvenating walk. My slippers that sit loyal to me at the edge of my bed never do make it on my feet. I love getting out of the shower and feeling the brisk bitterness on my face and body. When I leave my front door and am punched by the freezing air, for some reason I feel free. I love to touch the snow and feel it in between my gloveless fingertips. I don't even mind the cold drive from my house to my work place. My vehicle never seems to warm up before I reach my destination anyway. I love to be warm and cozy also. The thought of me sitting in front of my fireplace with a fire blazing, sipping a mug of cocoa or tea and reading a novel, journaling or just listening to the timber crackle is quite arousing to me actually. (Was that a run on sentence...still debating) I am just simply not threatened by the "chill" of winter. It does not depress me like it does to many people. If anything, it satisfies me.
I think I am feeling anxious. I feel as though I am in lack of breath. I feel sad and lonely, yet I do not wish for anyone's company. Bizarre huh? I feel as though something is missing in my life which is making me feel guilty and selfish. I have a good job, great friends, nice furniture and material things, and most importantly a healthy, talented, and beautiful daughter. Why am I feeling the way I feel then? I feel dissatisfied. I feel like I am constantly thriving for the greener side. Why? I want to be content. When I try to force myself I physically feel sick. It is such an awful and bizarre feeling. I sometimes wonder if I will ever truly be happy and content?
I am getting so aggravated with the book. It is utilizing most of my energy. I am absolutely annoyed with Television line up that I almost removed all four of my T.V.'s today. Why does a Single woman with a seven year old daughter need four television sets? That is insane to me. I never even turn on the one in my bedroom. I never use the one in the office. Hannah does not frequent her bedroom ever so why does she have a t.v., v.c.r., and D.V.D. player? She has Playstation and Playstation 2, Game boy and Gameboy advance, a standing keyboard and a wall sized markerboard, a toybox with toys still in their boxes untouched. And she has the nerve to come up to me as I am lying on the couch in tears, nursing one of the worst migraines of my time, to tell me that she was bored and has nothing to do. Are you kidding me kid? She has enough electronics in her room to record a record and market it for Goddess sake. She is smart as a whip and has no imagination. My Goddess, when I was 7 I was exploring the woods and taking imaginary adventures. Climbing a rock and pretending I was the Queen of the woods who was kidnapped and placed ontop of this "Rock", waiting for my King to save me was my idea of playtime. My mother kissed us goodbye at 10 am, and didn't see us or hear from us until we were hungry. Sometimes we packed a picnic and then we would be gone until the "street lights" came on. Do you remember those days? The days of no Nintendo, or Sony and even Atari. No computers, no Bratz dolls, No hand held video games. No Rugrats, Rocket Power or Jimmy Neutron. Just a dead end street with all the kids in the neighborhood, Kick the can, Ralevio and hide and seek. I was raised in a middle class home with means for all of the best electronic devices and such but we never "needed" them. I mean I remember when my father brought home the very first V.C.R. EVER made. The neighborhood was in awe. The video store we used to go to had like 20 videos to choose from. My parents used to host a movie night because they were the only people in town,it seemed, that had this technology. It sounds so humorous but it is factual.
It just goes to show how society really is now. Books and nature were the source of all things when I was a kid. I remember the library of literature and books we had as kids. I can still recall the smell of the pages. I remember my father buying a library of encyclopedias from a door to door salesman because he felt bad for the poor guy. I loved those encyclopedias. I loved the whole "researching" thing. I loved the smell of the pages and their soft glossy feel. I liked to play school with them and read them aloud to my imaginary students. That was "playing" back then. Now all we do is buy electronics full of violence, theft, murder and whoring. I mean I will admit that I love Playstation2. I love Grand Theft Auto and Vice City. I love the Sims and many other games. But if I had a choice of playing a video game or getting snuggled on my oversized chair and reading an autobiography or a novel..... I would definitely read.

Enough walking down memory lane. I am still wide awake so I am going to see if filling up the tub and turning the jets on while sipping some wine will relax me and make me sleepy. The tea is doing nothing for me except pleasing my taste buds.
Good night to all of my loved ones. I love you.

Katie Anne
I can't sleep Wahhhhhh
Jackie left a little while ago. We finishe 2 bottles of wine...Red and White. I am not even tipsy... I was hoping for a little buzz so I could crash in my bed... But surprisingly... I am wide awake.
This is one of those times I wish I was a pot head. Ahhhh Roll up the bone and smoke it up... get tired and crash... I think I will pick up that habit since lately I have not been able to sleep well. I have a double pillow top mattress that sure as hell cost me an arm and a leg.....so why can't I sleep. At any rate, I am going to swill this sleepy time tea I have and see if that helps any.
Ciao'

JUST A FEW THOUGHTS ON A SLEEPLESS NIGHT FOR ME

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Friends' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get the baby toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.



To those I am close friends with... I LOVE you & cherish our friendship.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"

Monday, January 12, 2004

ALL YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED...MY LITTLE PRETTIES!!!

Questions answered
For those of you who actually use my address at Rubys fire.com I am now going to answer the questions that you have asked me. I figured it would be easier if I answer them altogether in hopes of avoiding any future emails with questions. I do not mind questions but it is particularly weird when I do not know you. So here goes....for the most part anyway.


I have a few fetishes: blue prints, check books, SUV's and money
Fetishes in bed..... hmmmm I absolutely do..will I tell you..ummm Nope

When I was little, I wanted to become an architect, an interior decorator, a marine biologist, a graphic designer, and a vetrinary's assistant. I still haven't decided.. . but temporarily I am an accountant and have been a hairdresser for 9 years.

I'm a poet.

Sometimes I speak with sarcasm and cynicism, but I don't think on my feet too quickly.

I blame that on the fact I can think abstractly easier than I can logically. I tend to vent easier on paper and or the blogger. I have a tough time voicing my true feelins aloud but have found myself less stressed after blogging.

I do have a hand written journal. It is far more intense and intimate. There is where you would find my fetishes in bed....word for word proof.

I enjoy skiing and riding Harley's yes. I also like to walk and to do Yoga. I am a huge football and baseball fan. I can talk stats with the best of them.

My daughter is not a gangsters child. Whomever told you that or wherever you may have read that is completely false. She is the daughter of a Lebanese man named Paul whom resides in Massachusetts and is not a gangster by any means.

No. I am not a member of a motorcycle club. The club I "hang around" (so to speak) is a men's club only. They are not a gang and I am never in danger with them. Thanks for the concern but they are actually a nation of great men. If you look on my home page there is a link that you can click and read all about them. (OMC)

No I am not married, engaged or pregnant. ha ha
I have all intentions of getting married.
But a house needs to be purchased first, then marrieage, then one more child....then travel and write a trilogy.

Yes I sing. I am not in a band. However, I do frequent the microphone with a few local kick ass bands. Doubleshot, Plaid Daddy Band and a newer band Fat Betty. Will I ever get my very own band again?? I really hope so. Oh I also have hopes of singing with the Colonel Mustard Band soon. They should be around the South Shore soon....hopefully.

I have a house in Whitman, MA. No I cannot tell you the exact address you freak of nature psycho path. I love my body and do not want to be murdered in my cloud of a bed. Thanks though.

What else? Oh
Yes I go to strip clubs. No I do not strip. I like to refer them as gentlemen's club's. The girls I see are very classy and beautiful women with brains. However I have frequented the trashy ones as well...for shits and giggles.

No I am not Traci Lords or Kylie Ireland. I have however met Traci and I love her.

The famous people I have met in my life...well I will disclose that in my book with explicit details.
There is just way too many to write in here and the stories are way too fun and detailed to give away for free.

I am not a witch with a green face and warts dumb ass. I do however worship the earth and the Lord and Lady. I do not cast spells on people. I pray for health, prosperity and happiness.

I think that sums up my emails. Thanks for the interest anyway.

Now back to work I go....on this bitter cold of a Monday afternoon?

Tonight? Jax and Allie are coming over for girls night. Party favors and wine is on the menu. Sounds fun to me.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Have a lovely day :)

****BLOG BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED USERS ONLY ****

"From every human being there arises a light that reaches to heaven. When two souls are destined to find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being."

Ba'al Shem Tov
I feel like I've abandoned my hand held journal in many ways. I write more online than I do in "in bound." I miss the feel of the paper under my hand. I also am false. I don't write in the same way online that I do in my journals at home. There's a thick cover-up, and I think that's mostly due to the fact that I don't want to get intimate with my monitor and keyboard. I end up writing for the sake of my readers and not for myself, which is the most important aspect of journaling.
I guess this is an issue I have to work on personally, because there is a line between personal-internal and personal-out in the open. Writing, for me, has always been personal-internal, knowing to what extent I wish to expose myself to which people.

So, excuse me while I struggle between mediums and mediocrity.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

WORD OF THE DAY FOR 1/12/2003

AMBIVALENCE

Definition: [adj] uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow; "was ambivalent about having children"
[adj] characterized by a mixture of opposite feelings or attitudes; "she felt ambivalent about his proposal"; "an ambivalent position on rent control"


Synonyms: ambiguous, equivocal, incertain, uncertain, unsure



We were discussing vocabulary that I used in my book and sometimes on my blogger that ummmmm some people did not really understand. Therefore we decided that we would list a word a day that I used or will be using to better the reading for some readers not as articulate or educated as others. So here is the first word.
I think it is retarded but it has been asked for and strongly suggested.

GOOD NIGHT STORY

So I have had a rough few weeks and the trial of it all is complete. I am so very relieved. I somewhat feel like a new woman. I have had an invisible test on who my real friends are. It was a victory for the most part but they all pretty much pulled through. I wrote alot of poetry this weekend...(Sorry, I am saving it for "Ruby's Fire".) I have decided to put the date off because I have alot more to say... I just was unhappy with the ending. I feel as though I need something shattering and I believe I have the solution.
I am having trouble with a few choice people in my life at the moment. I have faith that I have it under control. My friend Steven came with Liz and I on Friday night and we had alot of good conversation and alot of fun. He has made me feel secure on his end of our friendship. Steven goes by "another name" which I am choosing to keep private in hopes of not causing any problems in his life at this time. To sum it up, I am confident that that entire situation in which "Steven" is involved with will be clearing up to everyone's benefit, very soon.
The ski trip was an adventure. We had alot of fun and I also ran into an idiot (which you will read about in my earlier entries....SCROLL DOWN) I got alot of thinking done. I always feel as if I am flying when I am skiing. It is pretty close to the feeling I get while I am riding on the back of a Harley. That free, non stressful feeling. I feel as though I am so light and just me. It is awesome. Skiing and Harley riding are my two favorite past times. The times in which I get to actually close up my mind and breathe in the air and just relax. I get most of my ideas and poetry during these times. It is a con more than a pro because I don't remember alot of the words or the ideas because I am lacking pen and paper while doing these activities....but it puts it out there for me.
I just finished downloading the entire Freaky Friday Soundtrack for Hannah Emily. She is going to think I am Super Mom in the morning. I am sure we will be listening to that CD in the morning while preparing for our day instead of our Usual Mixed Cd. My mix CD consists of Audioslave, Godsmack, Nickelback, Puddle Of Mudd, Korn, Tool, Alanis and Sheryl. It is my favorite. It is a morning ritual. Hannah eats her Waffle Crisp and plays DJ and I am straightening my hair and applying my face.
I am getting really aggravated with my friend Anthony G. We got in a fight on Saturday night because he is just such a conceited self centered whore who aggravates my every nerve. We used to be pretty close and now he is just a dick.
I like to talk to him because he is a good listener. Then he can just get so mean and so critical. He is a snob and really has no right to be. I just get annoyed at his comments. I don't understand why he says the things he says and then will call me up the next day as if nothing happened. "BEAUTIFUL LIKE YOU" is my song to him.....among other ones that I have displayed in the past blogs. Hey, Gags...Stop being the way you are. Be yourself. I liked you alot better as you.

I have decided to write every night from now on because I think that is important for everyone to have some sort of closure with their feelings. Too many people, close to me or my family, have passed on with out ever really showing how they feel. Noone ever had closure with them. I do not want anyone who loves me or even hates me to have to wonder after I am gone. I don't mean to sound so morbid and I do not have any intentions of leaving the earth yet but I just feel better atleast telling everyone I love, how much I love them and atleast to say Good night.

So in closing I would like to do just that.
Liz and Spanky are on their way to New York and I hope that they are safe and I want them to know how very much I love them and trust them and how much they sincerely mean to me. Renae just left my house and I want her to know that I love her and that I hope all goes well with her "Love Life". Chrissy, Linda, Jax..... I love you all and I am so glad I have you as my friends. Mom, Amy, Kathy, Kerry, Trish, and Bet I wuv you unconditionally and I would die for you all.
Andrew, Sean and Cassie....same goes for you. Brian and Zig, I love you guys and always will. Tony, my love, I love ya and will be with you very soon. Most important..... Hannah Em's, You are my light, my dark, my day, my night, my stars, my moon, my earth and my world. You are my rainbows, my heart, my life, my breath. I could not possibly love you any more than I do. You make my life all worth while good and bad, thick and thin. You are the very reason I wake up every single day. I never want to lose that feeling. To anyone I missed whom I am close to..... I love you all and Good night, Sweet Dreams, Rest soundly and safe and never for a minute believe that you are unloved.

Sorry if I forgot anyone. I have had a long weekend and I am so ready for bed. Time for the big cloud of a bed to take me away.

Ga Night Sunshines
Until tomorrow.
Ruby, Katie, Crimson, Cherry, MaMa

BEAUTIFUL LIKE YOU

If I was beautiful like you
Oh, the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
And I'd just laugh
And get away with it too... like you do
If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
I'd walk in the rain between the raindrops
Putting traffic to a hault
But that would never be
No it will never ever be
Because I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me

If I was beautiful like you
I'd be quick to assume
They'd do anything to please me
Why not?
I see their reaction when you walk into the room
But that will never be
Because I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me

Beautiful like me
If I was beautiful like you
I'd have so many friends
I'm fighting for my time to be next in line
So if I hurt one I wouldn't have to make amends
That would never be
Because I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Who would have thought the two of us would come this far together? For without you Tony I could not go any further.
Love I do...... Sweet Baby, Life is crazy but there is one thing I am sure of. I'm your lady always baby and I love you now and ever! Sugar, wishes don't change what is real or how it feels for the bad times. For whatever he is... He is mine all the time and we'll get by with our love.

To Tony

Dear Tony,
I Love you muchly. You've been nothing but openhearted and emotionally available, and supportive and nurturing and consumately there for me. I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time. You are the best platform for me to jump beyond myself and I just want to thank you for loving me and for being patient. Please believe in me and have faith that our love will conquer it all and we will be forever together.
I Love you and will be with you soon.
Love Always,
Katie
Dirty black clothes
A spider creeping up my wall
Moldy pizza
Sits where you left it on the floor

What's that breeze upon my face?
How did you invade my space?

You hit me
It all turns to sunshine
Dirty sunshine
You walk in
It all turns to sunshine
Dirty sunshine
I slammed the door
And I shut the blinds
Dirty sunshine

I feel like shit now
But I don't mind
Because it's that time again
I'm in my sweat pants
And I'm a mess
I don't want to let you in
Because your sweetness gives me cavaties
You're all I don't want to see

You hit me
It all turns to sunshine
Dirty sunshine
You walk in
It all turns to sunshine
Dirty sunshine
I slammed the door
And I shut the blinds
Dirty sunshine

I don't want to run in
Your merry go round
Stop picking me up
When I want to be down
Smash my nails on the floor
And I'm liking the sound
Whats that breeze upon my face?
How did you invade my space?
You
You walk in and it all shines bright
You walked in and it all turned bright
My Sunshine
My dirty sunshine