So I guess I will not be viewing The O.C. tonight. I am waiting for my baby sitter to arrive and I am in the middle of applying my make up because I am taking a trip to Rutland to meet B. Yup.... I KNOW...... I am nuts but it has to be done! It is time for me to deal with my problems head on. I feel so nauseaus right now. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

she'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse this all away
she can't hold him this way
she must rinse this all away
she can't love him this way

how she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
she needs to be held in his arms to be free
but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows that the heart of a woman will never be found in the
arms of a man

and if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
what could be worse that leaving something behind
and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
it's loneliness she finds ...
if only he was mine

she'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse him
she must rinse him
she can't rinse him
she can't rinse him
she can't, she won't, she must rinse him
she can't, she won't, she must rinse him
she must rinse him
she can't rinse him
she must rinse him
she can't rinse him

if in the middle of a vital conversation
I chose not to listen
would that be okay?

and if in the middle of a heated confrontation
I chose not to fight
would that be okay?

and if I love you without reference to occasion
would you run away?
or would that be okay?

and if in the middle of this final declaration
I walked away
what would you say?
would that be okay?

WANTED

I have wandered far and wide
for something real something to die for
but I have found you and you do not see
all that is me all that is true

I am more than you will see
I am more than you will need
I am more than you will see
more than wanted

as you float the flimsy surface
you should know life lies beneath it
don't pretend you feel what I feel for you
live illusions and I am real

I know you like the way
you feel when I play
I know you don't really
hear what I say
I know you are waiting
for something to raid
I know you wish you could be
more than you say

I have wandered far and wide
for something real something to die for
but I have found you and you do not see
all that is me all that is true

more than you'll love, more than you'll hate
more than you'll hold, more than wanted
more than you'll crave, more than you'll cherish
more than you'll have, more than wanted

I smell you on my fingertips
I can taste you on my lips
I can still hear the echo of our last goodbye
You're the love I can't forget

I see you everywhere I turn
I guess I won't ever learn
I always fall for the ones that I can't keep
I let myself get in too deep
If you change your mind
I'll be waiting on you
If you need somebody to be your fool
I will be there for you
If you change your mind

Remember down in the Club House
When I gave it all up to you?
I could tell right then that it was the end
There was nothing left but the truth

All of my life I let the darkness pull me in
A flicker of light
Gone again

I watched the sun come up on Boston
I waved goodbye to all my friends
I packed my car and headed to Anywhere
I gave away all my loose ends

Somebody said you gotta get away
To wanna go back home again
I left my universe standing there
Holding the hand of my best friend

And it's laughter that I feel when I think of you
It's one more dusty rose about to turn
I'll see you when I reach Anywhere
If I'm in the mood to crash and burn

I wrote a letter that I never mailed
I rehearsed a dialogue in my head
In case you ever wanted to track me down
I'll take my cell phone to bed

And it's laughter that I hear when I close my eyes
And it's one more punchline I forgot to learn
I'll call you up when my bottle's dry
I'm on my way to crash and burn

Antigone laid across the road
And let a mack truck leave her there for dead
Just because her lover split the scene
Well love might be great but why lose your head

Well, it's laughter that comes up when I cry for you
And my heart may break again before it learns
And I might be stupid enough to want to fall again
Cause I've gotten use to the crash and burn

SO YOU ALL KNOW.... Still have not heard from SULLY.. OH WELL.. I am off to Salem tomorrow anyway. Maybe he will call tomorrow.

I have been back to work full time for 2 days now and I am already all set. haha I am such a princess huh?
I had a miserable BLOG PARTIALLY DELETED He thinks what he does is funny. So then on top of all of this, I am screaming fighting with him on the phone and he I hear "SMASH, CRASH BOOM" . I stop short....waiting for the cry from HAnnah. But nothing. Come to find out she is hiding under her bed because she has just smashed to smitherines my precious candle jar that was a gift and my favorite decoration that is in my house. SO now I am sobbing in my living room over my knick knack. I go to grab the broom out of the kitchen and just by pure chance I happen to stomp on the LARGEST piece of this glass sconce and put it directly through my foot. YEAH! Yup that's right people... and it just goes on and on and on. So I just simply start hyperventilating, plop myself on my couch and sob in my hands..... As the words "WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY" go through my head over and over again. Hannah finally creeps out horrified and I feel guilty for yelling and she starts to get upset and then realizes I am now laughing hysterically because I sincerely find my life to be funny. So she starts to crack up and then sees the robust piece of glass hanging out of my heel and says "Mommy, Oh my Goddess, you have glass on your piggies" and she starts to cry because I have to admit it was scary looking. So pussy me, cannot get the nerve to wisk the glass out of my heel... I sit and just wait..... Then I finally hear the heavy foot steps and the door opened. He walked into me with mascara all over my face with a sliding glass door in my foot. Thank God he was already on his way over because the glass would have fell asleep with me. He was horrified to pick it out of my foot too. I look back at it now and laugh but it was no joke then man! For those who frequent my house... I saved it for all to see and witness... yeah and the gash in my heel... well it leaves alot to be desired. NASTY. So we are all on the couch now watching Frasier and I gradually tell HIM about the situation with P.H. and I stick it to him gently knowing all too well he hates Paul and would well let's not talk about what I want to talk about...... simmer down Rubes! At any rate, I just like him to be aware of the happenings and the goings on. ANYWAY... "HE" is going away for a few days and He came over to spend the night and talk with me.....cuz we definitely have alot of talking to do! He and Hannah fell asleep on the couch and I nursed my poor foot back to life and it has finally stopped bleeding. Now I am wide awake from the friggan prednisone I have been prescribed and I just want to wake them up so someone will talk to me. ha ha I just cannot win. But before he fell asleep I made sure I gave him a list of presents that I want from where he is going and he just winked at me... so I am sure I will get atleast one... I better. ha ha ha
I am so confused. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. 3:30 pm cannot come fast enough for me. I have to work until 5 pm tomorrow and I am dreading every minute of it.... Brian is going to be home tomorrow after 3:30 pm sometime and I am not sure if I should go see him or drive directly off of the Tobin Bridge. I haven't quite made up my mind on that. I am just simply stumped. I am anxious to sip my tea and relax but I know I will not be sleeping at all tonight. One minute I am a married woman and the next I am a single free bird. So I thought. What am I going to do with my life? hahah People must think I am crazy. ESPECIALLY the ones who don't really know me. I mean the ones who do know me definitely understand and know what I am talking about but others.... the fake talk and the "lingo" and scenarios I use in my expressions must throw them all through a loop. hahah IT amuses me because I KNOW how many people read this blogger every day and it must make them insane! They have no idea what is actually going on in my house...in my life and in my mind because every thing is thrown out there in such an odd way that it is not comprehendible except to the people who REALLY know me and REALLY know what is going on.. hahahaha Am I completely confusing you yet? Good.
Time for me to make my rounds and tidy up the mansion and then see if I can possibly wake up the 6'5 275 pund man on my couch right now.. What are my chances? SLIM
Have a lovely night.......
Ruby

EDDIE BURKE

I don't really know where to begin. We have known eachother for how long? Years right? I can remember sitting on the phone for hours upon hours and just talking to eachother and listening to eachother. I remember your one liners and your cocky remarks and how you would constantly make me laugh. I don't know why it has taken me this long to realize that there is so much more to it then this. It is funny because although I have so much going on in my life right now and so much drama consistently, I still find time in my day to wait for you to call me or for me to call you. Just talking to you is a stress relief. I am so serious too. When we talk it is as if nothing else really matters. It bothers me because I don't like to get attached to people ever. I hate it in fact. I like to be a hermit ..locked inside myself. It's funny because people who read this blog...well people who know me very well anyway are surprised at my feelings. They are shocked simply because I don't speak this way or talk about these things on a daily basis. My blogger is so personal to me and it is my freedom. I may seem so expressive or so blatantly honest but I am really shy about how I feel in public. I am a raving bitch.
But anyways what my point is, is that I do care about you and you are very special to me.
The small things you do for me mean the world to me. Every time I read your cards I smile and think just how very lucky I am to have you in my life. I know sometimes I don't express myself as well as I really could in person...but you are a very important part of my life and I love you muchly!
Ruby xo

Sometimes I wonder why in the world I even care.
I am always trying to reason with my heart. I am constantly trying to find something to analyze.
I don't completely understand myself lately.
I think it may be because I have been writing my book and sifting through an awful lot of memories. Good and Bad.
I have wandered through my life again and I just can't help but dwell on my what if's.
What if I never met Paul? What if I finished school? What if I was never abused and battered by him? What if I never had HAnnah? What if I never met Brian? What if I died the night Brian saved my life?... instead of falling in love with him?
What if I was not as successful as I am? What would my life be if I never had the disaster of Jude Divineo? What if Stevie was still alive? What if my father never got cancer? What would he think of my choices in life? What would he be doing right now? What would have happened to me if I never moved from Holbrook to Abington? Would my life had been better? What do you think would have become of my family? Would I have ever walked into Subway in Abington? Would I still have been a worka holic? Or would other things have mattered to me besides material things? If I never got pregnant, would I still have stayed with him and endured everything I came to endure anyway? Would I have been a famous singer? Or would I still just be an accountant who cuts and colors hair on the side? What if I never met Liz or Renae or Chrissy? Who would I be? Will I ever be able to talk about that night again when I was 16... or is it only going to be a chapter of my autobiography? Is that the only way I am going to get people to completely understand me? Is this autobiography of me going to help people comprehend? Is it going to heal me?
I really can't answer any of my what if's or what would be's! I wish I could. I know everyone wishes at some point that they could go back in time and set things straight. I know that. It just frightens me because I have a seven year old beautiful daughter. I am so horrified that she will have what if's and could have been's. I do not want that. I want her to be content with her life. I don't ever want her to want to go back in time.
Ohhh the rambling huh?
I am a fucking mess and I am not ashamed to say it. I just feel as though I have failed and I don't like feeling like that. I want the very best for Hannah as my parents wanted for me.
Oh whatever. I am felling so aggravated.
SKIN was just on and it was awesome once again. I am officially addicted. It is such a great story line. It is seriously realistic. It really is. I think they should make my life into a drama series on Fox. My Goddess would that be a hit or what? haaa Just think Anthony, you would be famous and so would you Eddie and you too Chrissy, Renae and Liz..... hahahahahahaha
I am off to beddy bye. I need some sleep.
Oh my God I almost forgot. I talked to Sully tonight. I had to call him. Usually I would not call him. HE would call me when he was in MAss again .... But I changed my cell phone number and I had to relay that to him. He answered and come to find out he is in MAss. I am actually going to be in Salem on the 30th of this month so we are going to try to get together for dinner. I also brought to his attention that I needed his permission to discuss our encounters in my book and he said that was fine he just needed a copy to go over. So Sully will be one of the first people to read my book. haha I love my life. I really do. well sometimes I do. At any rate. He got a new tattoo and I cannot wait to see it. HE says I will definitely dig it. I asked him if he was going to the Festival of the Dead or the Witches Ball and he told me he could not disclose that. hahaha
So yeah. I will see him at the Ball I am sure.
Anyway, our conversation was short and he took my numbers down. I should hear from him by Thursday night to see if we will be able to meet. Who nows. Maybe we will, maybe we won't but I do know that he is one of my idols and he has made a huge effect on my life as I am sure I did on his. All I can say is Summer of 2001.
And Nooooo I have never had sex with Sully. I have never even kissed him passionately. Let's just say that on a summers night I was sitting on a quarry while he played with my "Crimson" (as he called it then) hair and sat and talked about the stars and how much we just wanted to fly away. . . . . Ahhhhh it is so surreal. I can almost feel the cool summer breeze of that night right now. I remember him saying how much he loved my freckles and my eyelashes. Awwwwww
He really is the best kid man. Whatever. Bla Bla Bla Bla....... The encounters I have ...well "encountered". People would not believe me if I didn't have the proof. I know they would'nt.
Well like I said before I had a memory burst... I am off to bed. I need some sleep.
Talk to everyone tomorrow after work.. hahahah WORK... I wanna be a princess!!!!!!!
Love ,
Katie xo

Hypothetical circumstance

O.K. What would you think if you met someone and they were involved. But the catch is, that they are not really involved. They just have 20 years together, a child together but they do not sleep together. They simply just stick around because there is such a history with eachother. They are all they have ever known..... until you came along. You brought something so fresh and sweet into his life. You took away his boredom and you brought him back to life completely. He has fallen in love with you and spends almost every spare moment with you. He wants to end it with this other women whom he has spent 1/2 his life with. He always has wanted to end it with her but has never had a reason to until you happened. Now you are completely aware of the situation and you feel as though you do not want to be the reason they are breaking up... if they even do break up. You tell him at your kitchen table that you will not be #2 and that you are not pressuring him into doing anything but you do want him to choose. He tells you repeatedly that he wants to be with you. He wants it no other way. He just feels as though she really has done nothing wrong and he just wants to end it the right way. He continues to tell you that you are his future and she is his past. That you have him for the rest of his life and she will have him no longer. He wants you to completely understand what he is trying to tell you. He needs you to know how much you mean to him.... but yet he feels it may be going to fast. He wants you to realize that you are his choice but just not yet. Just not this moment. He needs more time. He needs more time to break away. Would you understand? Would you trust in him and believe that he is being sincere? Or would you think to yourself... Wait a minute here.. is he ever going to leave her? And if he does... is he always going to be looking for the fresh and new?

Love lost
Love found
Love ended
Love begun
Love so tired
Love so fresh
Love missed
Love beckoned
Love wanted
Love hated
Love not
Love here
Love go away
Love come back
Love stay
Love go
Love me
Love me not

I have no idea what happened to the ending of the previous blog.. An entire paragraph was deleted and a conversation I was having with someone replaced it.. Whatever.
At any rate.
My man came by a little while ago. We have worked things out. I think that things should be smooth now. I am hoping anyway. I am not quite sure exactly what we are expecting of eachother and I am not quite sure what was actually accomplished. But I do know that I feel better about things. I know that he cares for me and I understand his tumultuous life and although it is very unsettling... I am content for the moment. It seems so friggan condescending when I speak of it quite frankly. I feel as though I am so hypocritical and so.... ahh just so very naive. I am almost 27 years old and I am not going to settle anymore. AM I ready to be committed? Am I ready to start something new again with him. Who knows. I just wish things would just happen ya know. I am tired of trying. I want it to happen effortlessly and it just is not how it happens. I don't really know what else to say about this subject except that I guess I will take it one day at a time and with a ton of salt grains.

Good Evening!
I am finally home. Wow what a day. I am extremely excited to be home relaxing. I worked a long day today. BUT I have to admit I loved every second of my job. I can actually say that I look forward to going in to work tomorrow. The people I work around on a daily basis are great. They are very laid back, down to earth and easy. I am very content with that. There are no bitches there and no jerks. My boss is a babe and so are the Estimators. It was a fun and productive day. I had a good day and it felt great to be up and ready by 7 am. It really makes you feel better about yourself when you are actually needed somewhere ya know? I am interested to see what lies before me in the months ahead. Haaaa I just talked to my babe Anthony! I Love him! He is my favorite boy in the world. You are Soooo bad Anthony. Telling me about something that happened at a restaurant in Framingham. haha Poor "L". Anyway. I still love ya! OH AND BABY... Please switch to ECO instead of the other place. We will match the price and just think I can take you out to lunch and visit you alot!! We can go park the benz and fool around!! hahahahahahahahahahahahnymore.

But she said something that worried me. She was trying to get a hold of Cingular so she could change her cell phone number. That worries me. After seeing how her boyfriend can explode and over-react to even the most trivial things, I'm concerned that if she is trying

I am so off to bed

I have had enough of waiting around for the phone call.. Goddess, now I know how guys feel when I don't call. Sorry boys. I am still a little bit sick. I feel a ton better but still have that sick feeling. I need to go get some sleep. My new job starts tomorrow and I need to be beautiful. I am excited though. I am tired of waiting around for him to call. He obviously does not care as much about me as he said he did. Ahhhh Men! And why do I continuously set myself up for disappointment you might be asking? I WISH I KNEW. I am probably wicked overeacting and making this into a much larger issue. Right? Yeah probably. But I am dramatic and every little thing bothers me and I hate that about me. I like the simple way. If you are not going to make it over when you say you will, call me. How hard is that? I won't even ask questions. The courtesy of the phone call will be plenty. I cannot wait to hear from him tomorrow .. if I even do.. I mean we are supposed to go away in less than a month and ,.... See I am overreacting. I know it. But COME ON. It has been 24 hours since I have even heard his voice. Although I am concerned... I am so frigging heated that I think I should turn off the cell phone tomorrow in hopes I avoid being impulsive and saying things I will definitely regret. Yeah.. thats the plan. Well Good Night all. I am off to start the rest of my life tomorrow and hopefully H will call me and I won't be so angry in the morning. I so hate going to bed sad and angry. It is not good for my skin or my mind. How do I cheer myself up? hmmm I already had my teas.... OH I KNOW.. Hannah and I made Chocolate Chip cookies home made tonight.. mmmmm they should be perfect by now.. Going to splurge.... and then most likely purge. haha
Talk to you all tomorrow.
Love you and Merry Partings
Ruby

LETTERS

Dear Joe Z.,
I like you alot. I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now. And I respect that. I just want you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in Massachusetts, I'd be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.

Dear Paul H.,
I loved you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and cheat on me and speak solely about themselves. You were plenty self destructive for my taste at the time and I really wish I had left you sooner, but I cannot dwell on the fact that you ruined my life, made me bitter and made me distrust every man I will ever meet. Wishing death on you would be wrong for the simple fact you conceived a beautiful child with me. So I will just live my life in hopes that perhaps some day you will dwindle off of this planet.

Dear Billy,
I Love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consumately there for me. I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time and you never cared when I kicked you out of the bed and made you drive me around. You never yelled or got aggravated when I showed up at your doorstep belligerant and sobbing at 4 am. You just took me in and sat next to me until I cried myself to sleep..whether you had company or not.You never lied to me. You were always real. I wish I knew then what I know now.

Dear Wacka
You rocked my world. You have a charasmatic way about you with the women. And you got me seriously thinking about spirituality. You wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass. But I could never really feel relaxed and watched the floor around you go and that stopped us from going any further than we did. And it's kind of too bad because we could have had much more fun.

Dear Brian,
I will never stop loving you. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time. And I understand that better than you do yourself. I want you to know that when you do get out and you are of sound mind, I am willing to talk things over. We spent so many years bearing the bad and consoling the good and I love you whole heartedly. What you did for me could never be graciously expressed. I will kill for you. I would do anything for you. You saved my life. You brought me back to life when I had died and You held me in your arms for 32 hours and told me that I was beautiful and you will never let me go. I could never repay you but I want you to comprehend that when I do see you again, I will spend the rest of my days thanking you and trying to make it up to you. I love you Brian. Please come back soon. I am waiting.

Dear Jim,
I just met you and I feel as though you are my lost love. I feel as though I have been going through life searching for you and now I have found you. It pains me to feel this way. It shocks me to hear that you actually feel the same way. It is frightening how similar we are and it bothers me that I cannot pursue this. You are connected with someone else and I could never be a part of that. I will not settle for being number two. I know you have stressed the circumstances and I know you are not hiding me from anyone. I just cannot be a part of something as sacred as a family wreckage. I am not that woman. My home was wrecked ravishly and I could never live with my self. I want you to know you are my soul mate. The nights and days, the bike rides and the friendship. The every single moments I have had with you have brought me nothing but smiles and happiness and I can only hope that you make the right decision. I know your mind has already been made up.... so until then, I sit and wait for you to unlock my door and lie beside me and make it known that I have won.

Dear Ed,
You make me laugh. You make me mad. Only because I know you are right. You comfort me. You always have some punk ass remark and I love you for that. You make me crazy sometimes but then you are the sweetest thing ever imaginable. You always know just what to say. You let me open up to you like I have never before with anyone else. You accept me for who I am and you never judge me. Even though you are a handsome Irish Catholic Boy... you believe in me and you never question or judge my way of life or my beliefs. I could not go a single day without speaking to you atleast 5 times and every time I do hear you I am much happier. You have affected my life dramatically. You have taught me alot. And even though you are a Yankees Fan I still love you and I want you to know that I think someday we will get married just because we have such great debates and arguments. ahahhaa I love ya, ya punk.

I want to tell you all of my secrets
I want to let you into my world
I don't give away the key to anyone
But if you want it
YOu will find it
Right under my mat
You know the mat all too well don't you?
You tread on it every night and every morning
When you rush into my world and quickly leave
This is not like me not to understand
Maybe I am the bad girl you take me for
Maybe I am the only one who can soothe you
I need to be soothed now
I need to be heard now
I want to feel you
I have your face tattooed on my back
And I want mine on you
I want you to know all of my secrets
I know you are dying to hear
I am ready to open up
I have been a bad girl and I am sorry
I want you here when my world decides to fall
It's going to be alright is all I can hear from you lately
When I am safe inside a dream
And everything else seems so tough to bear
I look for you in dream land and then you are gone outside of my door
I am so afraid to be without you
I am so ashamed of being with you
I try to let you in
I want you to feel all of my secrets
You ask and you ask
and I hide and I hide
I left the key under the mat
You come when you are ready

Calling out
Haven't you wondered
Why I am always alone while you are in my dreams
Haven't you wondered why you are finding it hard to look at me
I want you but I want you to understand
I need you I love you
Didnt want to leave you with the wrong impression
Didnt want to leave you with my last confession of love
I wasnt trying to pull you in the wrong direction
I was just trying to make a connection of love
Falling out
Have you ever wondered
If this was ever more than a crazy idea
Falling out
Have you ever wondered
What it could have been if you only let me in
I want you but I want you to understand
I miss you, I love you
Have you ever wondered?
Well I am calling out

TONGUE TIED TONIGHT

I wish that I was more poetic tonight. I wanted to express my pain and anguish with my own words but could only feel them while listening to another artist's lyrics. I need a muse lately. I don't know where my words have gone. They have simply disintegrated into the unknown and I have no explanation. Last week I was Poetic Justice... This week I am an invalid of speech.
I just feel so much better when I can vent poetically. I love my words. I have no shame in saying that either. I flinch at the very thought that I may have lost it. So here I am waiting in front of my keyboard for an opening... an idea, a feeling. Hmmm Maybe that is what the problem is. I am all feeling'd out??? Quite Possible. I swear, my poetry is like my kin and my air that I breathe. My song lyrics are the same. I can't bear my stumped tongue. I am feeling so un good and so tortured right now. They tell me it happens to everyone... well can it wait a few more weeks??? Please.

Oh tonight I'll be watching over you
And all your dreams
I am standing over you
And through bad dreams I will be
I'll be there telling you
Everything's going to be alright
And when you cry
I'll be there telling you, you're nothing less than beautiful
So don't you worry
I'm your Angel standing there.

*H*

All alone on a Sunday Morning
Outside I see the rain is falling
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying
And you.... Don't you know my tears will burn my pillow
Set this place on fire because I am tired of your lies
All I needed was a simple hello
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear my cry
I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you leave me so confused
Now I am all cried out over you.
Never wanted to see things your way
I had to go astray.
Why was I such a fool
Now I see that the grass is greener
Is it too late for me to find my way home
Don't you know the hurt will cause an inferno
Romance up in flames
Why should I take the blame
You were the one who left me
Apology not accepted
Add me to the broken hearts you collected
I gave you all of me
How was I to know you would weaken so easily
I don't know what to do
So now I am all cried out over you
I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you leave me so confused
Now I am all cried out over you.

~Lisa Lisa

SORRY ***BLOGGER BLOGGED FOR AUTHORIZED USERS ONLY***** SUCKERS

18 WHEELER TRUCK STILL CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN

Hey man, what's your problem?
I see you try to hurt me bad
Don't know what you're up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Because you know I'm not that kind of girl
That'll lay there and let you come first

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down

Hey hey me, am I ready for today?
I've got my shield and sword
Because it's time to play the games
I am beautiful even though sometimes I'm not for sure
I won't let him pull me by my skirt
I'm just gonna get my feelings hurt

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down

I'm an opportunity
And I knock so softly
Sometimes I get loud
When I wish everybody'd just get off me
So many players
You'd think I was a board game
It's every man for themselves
There are no teammates
This life gets lonely
When everybody wants something
They'll smile up in your face
But they'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there

Surrounded by familiar faces with no name
None of them know me
Or want to share my pain
They only wish to bask in my light
Then fade away
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in vain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades away
They'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there

I drank your poison
'Cause you told me it's wine
Shame on you if you fooled me once
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
I didn't know the price
You'll get yours eventually

So what good am I to you
If I can't be broken
You'll get yours, yes
You'll get yours eventually


I can remember
The very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes
And buried the pain inside
All of my memories
Good and bad that's passed
Didn't even take the time to realize
Staring at the cracks in the walls
'Cause I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
'Cause it's takin' over my head
All over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm trying to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you, or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Sorry girl
Tell a tale for me
'Cause I'm wondering
How you really feel

I'm a lonely girl
I'll tell a tale for you
'Cause I'm just trying to make
All my dreams come true

Lying awake
Watching the sunlight
How the birds will sing
As I count the rings around my eyes
Constantly pushing
The world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain
I don't even want to try

I'm looking for a way to become
The person I dreamt up
When I was 16
Oh, nothing is ever enough
baby it ain't enough
Or what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I'm still trying to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you, or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No

Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you, or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not

Do you even know who you are?
I'm trying to find
A rising dream, or a falling star?
Oh, I have all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Oh, no

Dear diary
I wanna tell my secrets
'Cause you're the only one
That I know will keep them
Dear diary,
I wanna tell my secrets
I know you'll keep them
So this is what I've done

I've been a bad, bad girl
For so long
Don't know how to change
What went wrong
Daddy's little girl
But he went away
What did it teach me?
That love leaves

Dear diary
I wanna tell my secrets
'Cause you're the only one
That I know will keep them

I wanna tell my secrets
I know you'll keep them
So this is what I've done

I've been down every road
You could go
I've made some bad choices
As you know
Seems like I got this whole world
Cradled in my hand
It's just like me not to understand

Dear, dear diary
I wanna tell my secrets
'Cause you're the only one
That I know will keep them
Dear, dear diary
I wanna tell my secrets
I've been a bad, bad girl

I learned my lessons young and
I turned myself around

I gotta guardian butterfly
Tattooed on my shoulder
She's been watchin' over me

Let me tell you about the other tattoos
The flower on my ankle
it helps me to remember
that even though things are getting tough
The sunflower inside of me will bloom through

The wicked sun who dwells on my lower back
He's there to remind me of the evil
The evil parts of my life
The parts I want to destroy
He reminds me of those nights I lie awake
He is there to make sure I understand
He is there to keep me alive

Dear Diary,
Are you aware of the things I have abounded?
Do you comprehend the life I have led?
Do you know how I truly feel inside?
The skull I wear on my waist..
He is a whole other story
Do you know what he represents?
He represents the way I feel sometimes
He symbolizes the way I sometimes envy feeling
I sometimes feel like I am dead inside
That the trials I have endured have literally killed me from within
It sounds so scary to me but it is so real

it makes me crazy because I try to explain
explain the way I feel
I want to make sure that it is clear.

I am known for....

SORRY *****BLOG BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED USERS ONLY****** SUCKERS!

Fizzel my nizzel
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ahaha
I know this girl named Ruby
She didnt want to shop nowhere but Gucci
Burberry and Prada was her style
I'm tryin to tell yall that shorty can get down
Conversations amazing
I tell myself that shortys the one
never give her the cold shoulder
if she wears that dress i let her take over the rover
Off to the movies like Austin Let's get groovy
Well this girl named Ruby, likes to rock fendi
It's really really nice to meet cha ma
Let's get down
I know this girl name Ruby
Shes no groupie but not far from a star
I'ts really really nice to meetcha ma
I really really dig your style
You're looking fly girl
Suga suga

My perception of people has completely changed dramatically in the last 3 days. I cannot even fathom where or how some people were brought up and how ugly and battered it was. I feel bad for these negative people. These people who were raised as judgemental, closed minded and impulsive badgerers. It is incredible the lack of education some people have been subjected to settling with. I was blessed and fortunate to have been raised in a wonderful home with a wonderful family. I am extremely lucky. I really wish I had more time in my days to educate one more person on my lifestyle or to even offer wisdom on anything. I have seen and overcome alot in my life and know that I could help atleast one person better understand their own way of thinking. I am not a miracle worker nor am I the smartest human being. I can say however that I am well educated and I am very experienced in alot of things. I have "been there, done that" in so many aspects.
Although I have alot of my own prejudices for my own reasons, I still keep an open mind and do not blame the rest of the "group" for the individual act or reason for my dislike. Hence the Rico law. I hate the government for that very reason. The Rico law is the most re-donkulous thing I have ever read, or learned about. IT makes absolute no sense and it angers me to the fullest. The Rico law is the very reason I have no trust or respect in the United States Government and I simply will never vote or be a part of it in any way. I am however proud of my country and Support our troops and such...I just will not support the voting. It sickens me. If you are interested in reading more about the Rico law. just go to the www.ricolaw.com
So apparently people want to question BLOGGER BLOCKED

ROB

You work 70 hours a week and buy yourself something.......
And don't even go there about how you spoiled me... I am still pissed
at you anyway...... Bow Down
K K K Katie

SNOB

KATIE ANNE FLANNERY,
You are the biggest spoiled brat SNOB I have ever known... BUT DAMN GIRL I LOVE YA!
BUY ME SOMETHING WILL YA?
WHAT THE FUCK? YOU ARE SO SELFISH.
Love From
R to the O to the B

ONE OF MY FAVORITES. HAHA HOW TRUE

are you still mad i kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad i gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad i compared you to all my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad i shared our problems with everybody?

are you still mad i had a an emotional affair?
are you still mad i tried to mold you into who i wanted you to be?
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are

are you still mad that i flirted wildly?
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that i had one foot out the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it?
of course you are

are you still mad i wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad that i seemed to focus only on your potential?
are you still mad that i threw in the towel?
are you still mad that i gave up long before you did?
of course you are
Deal with it.. I am not going to change baby

BOW DOWN TO KATE SPADE

God I love this woman. I just purchase a Kate Spade purse, Scarf, Gloves and sunglasses with Pride. She has a way about her design like no other. I believe I am no longer a worship queen of Prada or Burberry. I believe that Kate Spade has stolen my heart. I am so going back next week on pay day to get those boots and that jacket. Dear Goddess I am a phene for good clothes and good taste.
I am now officially addicted to Kate Spade. So go check out her site. www.katespade.com
It ROCKS!!!
I know I need a life.
HAHA But while I am looking for one I will be well dressed as usual. hahah
So long Burberry, So long Prada. It was fun while it lasted but Kate Spade is my chic now.

Are you Worthy?

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds? Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition? Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not
equate wisdom? Do you see everything as an illusion? But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? Politically aware? And don't believe in capital
punishment?
These are 21 things that I want in a lover. Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer.
Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like
freedom? Are you funny? à la self-deprecating? Like adventure? And have many formed
opinions? I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter.
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover. I'm in no hurry. I could wait forever.
I'm in no rush because I like being solo. There are no worries and certainly no pressure. In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow
Are you uninhibited in bed? More than Five times a week? Up for being experimental?
Are you athletic? Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? Are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative...

SURRENDERING . . . To ..well he knows who he is

you were full and fully capable
you were self sufficient and needless
your house was fully decorated in that sense

you were taken with me to a point
a case of careful what you wish for
but what you knew was enough to begin

and so you called and courted fiercely
so you rached out, entirely fearless
and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves

and I salute you for your courage
and I applaud your perseverance
and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces
that I represent

so you were in but not entirely
you were up for this but not totally
you knew how arms length-ing can maintain doubt

and so you fell and you're intact
so you dove in and you're still breathing
so you jumped and you're still flying if not shocked

and I support you in your trusting
and I commend you for your wisdom
and I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces
that I represent

you found creative ways to distance
you hid away from much through humor
your choice of armor was your intellect

and so you felt and you're still here
and so you died and you're still standing
and so you softened and you're still safely in command

self protection was in times of true danger
your best defense to mistrust and be wary
surrendering a feat of unequalled measure
and I'm thrilled to let you in
overjoyed to be let in in kind

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my ex husband could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISSY!!

Happy Birthday Betty Bunny!
I love you and wait until you see your presents I have for you.
I am going to be your favorite person in the world. hahahaha
Seriously though, We will go out and celebrate!
Love you to pieces!
Happy BIRTHDAY SUGAR PIE!!!!!
Love,
your "seeestaaa"
Katie

I am home now... out of the hospital. I gave myself and everyone else a scare but atleast they found out what the problem was finally. I am heavily medicated as of midnight tonight. I am on prednisone and hydrocodone homatr syrup, they have me on 3 inhalers and 2 antibiotics I am finishing from last week. I am afraid to take the prednisone. Chrissy told me it is going to make me gain weight. Whatever.. I need to take it. My body has lost so much weight these past few days that I think I can handle it. I am breathing a little better now and my lungs feel better. My body still aches and I am still exhausted but I should get better. I better, be well for this weekend. IT is going to be an awesome weekend. Hopefully I will be ok. Thank you everyone who heloped me with Hannah and with me. I appreciate it. Lizabeth, I don't know what I would do without you. Eddie, I am sorry for scaring you sweetie. I love you. ...and you are never the new guy!!! ha ha
Jim and Lisa as always you guys Rock! Just hearing you in the waiting room yelling at the doctor(Jim) was worth all the agony. and Lisa telling the nurse where to go and how to get there was an exceptional part of the experience. But thanks for the laughs even though I probably should not have been laughing. haha
Anyway ... enough about me being sick... I am so sick & tired of being sick & tired ya know?
I am getting my new tattoo tomorrow. I cannot wait to get it done. Hopefully I am feeling better because I am not quite sure how my coughing and trying to stay still at the same time is going to work... It may come out a lil' bit crooked. ANd you know how I am with perfection... All my tattoos are perfect. Oh! which reminds me...I have to call Renae because we always get them together so I need to ask her if she wants to go too. Liz and I are going with my friend Eddie.. OH AND GET THIS... My tattoo artist from Randy Adams Tattoo's in Ft. Worth Texas is flying to Boston in November and he has already contacted me and he is bringing his stuff up here to do some ink on me that he has already drawn... I am so wicked excited that I am counting the days, He did almost all of my tattoos and I am siked!!! I thought I was never going to have ink done perfect ever again. I have alot of good friends who are artist such as Christian, Ross (Both from Pins & Needles, North MAin Street Brockton) Love them!!!!! And then there is Rico and Fast Bob from NH who also rock. But still CHAD is #1. I am so extremely siked that he will be here in less than a month. YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH. At any rate... I am starting to feel dizzy and probbly should go lay down. Baby Wim and Hannah and Liz are all here and then Liz will eventually slip out to see the O Spank! Woo Hoo.. Ohhh Boyyy ! hahahah Then I will fall asleep ....
Have a lovely night!
Amore
Katie
P.S. Brian - Thank you for everything you said in the last blog you wrote. And for the record, You mean the world to me and you (and Hannah of course) are the very reason I breathe.
I think that should answer your questions

Il mio Katie,
più caro, non potrò mai liberarli dal mio cuore. Posso desiderare soltanto ogni notte che me li avrò ancora con qualche giorno. Il mio amore per voi non morirà mai. Siete la mia luce, il mio amore e mio molto possieda la verità. Sto trasmettendovi questo messaggio nelle speranze che siete buoni e nella buona azienda. Ricordisi prego di ultime parole I a sinistra voi con. Sono soltanto del significato allineare. Ti amo dalla parte inferiore del mio cuore. Sarò il vostro marito. Avrete miei bambini. Li rovinerò marci. Li amerò per sempre. Giuro al dio... Non sarete delusi mai. Ti amo cieli interi!
Amore Sempre,
Brian

BLOG BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always & still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
-How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
-Fast as you can, baby run-free yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
-Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
Cuz I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can

Have you ever been so sick that when you take your medicine you get so weak and start imagining things? Like sort of hallucinate?
I am on antibiotics for my cold and flu and I also took some Nyquil tonight to help me sleep. Well Dear Goddess, I have never been so high. I am exhausted. Completely exhausted. I have never felt like this. I am sitting on the couch like 8 minutes ago channel surfing and I called to my sister to grab me a glass of orange juice before she came back. Ummm Katie, you live alone!!!! My sister was not here but I had just been thinking about her because I was just talking about how I got her for the Christmas Grab and she got me! I had to actually shake my head from side to side as if that were going to alter my brain. Now I was getting a little scared. So I called H and told him I wasnt feeling any better and that maybe I should go to the emergency room and the way it came out to him was. "Hi, I am very sick and I need you to bring me the magazine on my steps so I can read it. I took it from the hospital."
And he was like "Babe, Are you alright? I am going to come over and help you. I don't think you are thinking straight. What kind of steroids do they have you on?" So I shook my head again after realizing what I said I just started laughing. I am like What the Fuck right. My doctor told me I could not go on the flight tonight. I had to wait until the morning. I hope to Goddess I feel better tomorrow. My whole body is aching. The medicines do not seem to be helping, my new shower is getting put in tomorrow and I am in no shape to direct anyone to construct anything. I am like a mental patient right now. I just scrubbed my kitchen floor and I then took bleach to the bathroom. I sanitized and disinfected every inch of the bathroom in hopes that I will kill whatever virus haunting my house. (I think perhaps, now that I am thinking a little more clearly, that the stench of the bleach I was inhaling for 40 minutes could very well have been the culpret of my hallucinations). What an idiot I am. I am so sick and I take these steroids for my breathing and It makes me act like I could possibly run the Marathon and win.. I cleanse every centimeter of my home, boil my sheets and pillow cases, throw away all tooth brushes and lipstick and mascara and eye liner pencils and now I am so worn out.... I don't want to fall asleep. Everytime I am about to fall asleep I feel like I am crushing my lungs and I am afraid I will stop breathing. I need H to stay up all night to make sure I am breathing. He is going to kill me when I tell him that. But no, seriously, I feel like I am suffocating inside. That is how sick I am. That is how severe my cold is. When I prop myself up on pillows I get that falling sensation and I jerk my body awake. I hate that feeling. Do you know what I am talking about? When you are almost at that sleeping state and you feel like you are falling... and you jump? Oh my Goddess, that is all I have been doing. I cannot win. If I fall asleep I have bad or weird dreams that I try to analyze way too much and If I try sleeping sitting up.. I fall.
AHAHAHA It must be the medicines I am on. I am going to take another puff of my inhaler, go put on some herbal tea, throw some chamomile and spearamint in it and drink a gallon of it.
Then I will rest soundly.... On top of the Nyquil capsules that should be dissolved by now........
Good night.
I hope everyone else is having a splendid slumber....
I just want to get better...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Katie

Dream Catcher

Wind is blowing so strong
My window rattles and I am alone
I think someone is crawling through my window
I see a silhouette
But as I reach for it ...it disappears
I try to close my eyes but I am afraid to fall asleep
I am afraid of my dreams.
I am afraid of the illusions my mind acts out through sleep.
It is of me in a movie theatre... I am watching my life
The first scene is always beautiful
A field of sunflowers and I am running through it
I run to the end and there is an orchard
It draws me in every time
Then the theatre turns black
There is no light
The screen just flickers black lines
I cannot see
I cannot get out of my seat.
I am alone but I can hear someone breathing
The breathing gets closer and closer until I can feel it
Feel it on my cheek and on my chest
I can feel him touching me.
I recognize those calloused hands
Dear God please help me
I can hear my hair getting caught on his blisters
I can feel them pulling the strands
His smell sickens me
I hold my breathe to avoid it
I can't speak because Fright has taken that ability away
I want to ask him why
I want to know why he is near me again
How could he live with himself?
I don't understand
He just keeps touching my face
I vividly smell the nicotine and onion that is on his finger
When he touches my lips I get nauseas
His voice was always a whisper.
He would call me Angel Face
He called me Sweet Star
I hate those four words
I cringe at the sound of his voice
He then presses his face to mine
Oh the roughness of him
The whiskers of his beard were like razors
His breath reeked of liquor
he then whispers to me
I will never let you go
I will haunt you forever
I awaken

PAIN

pain


pounding aching always forsaken
suffer bleed forgetful deed
nowhere salvation useless
desecration falling farther
landing harder simple
destruction constant reduction
loss expected heart
unprotected exposed core
unaided sore emerging insane
unbearable pain
increasing
bruise
ceaseless
abuse
pounding distortion losing
proportion freshly scorn mentally
torn hurt deep falling steep
obvious defection contemptful
rejection escorted disdain
more
pain

Playground... school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you he's not breathing
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll awake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the light living for you so you can't hide
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I am not sleeping Hello
I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday
Hold on to me love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself are all my thoughts of you
Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere... noone is here
I fall into myself
This fool dragged me into madness
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away
Don't turn away
Don't try to hide
Don't close your eyes
Don't turn out the light
I fight for what I see
But somehow I know theres so much more to come
I'm marvelized by my fear and seem to be blinded by tears
...if I willed it all away

Banish him from your heart

On the 25th of October 2003
Speak these words and who is a black dark soul will be banished

you represent something I can never be (nor want to be, Banish)
you're the only thing to look at
among a thousand ways to see
that thing you said but didn't quite mean
you're of heaven and hell
and nothing in between

the nothings you do, going shred by shred (Shred you out of my life, Banish)
the nothings that I feel
a touch of the dead

two people trading, with nothing left to give
everything surrendered
no life left to live



You feast on decay (THis is the last course with me, Banish)
You won't go away
You hide in the dirt
don't care who you hurt

the wreckage and spoil
the beauty you soil (You will not soil my beauty anymore, Banish)
your chaos and pain
your dirt leaves a stain



what you are, what I ain't, what we could be, or not
can you help me rediscover
the man I once forgot

share your pessimistic view, your misery and sorrow (No tears will fall out of my eyes again, Banish)
leave me dying in the rain
forget about tomorrow

fire, ice, ash and stone, the nothings that prevail (Hail the winds and kiss the dew, Banish)
sickly, fading memories
dirt beneath my fingernail

Hesitant destruction, there are so many ways to die (I will not let you die just far from me, Banish)
bittersweet confessions
there's just one way to say goodbye.



your lies and your dirt
can no longer hurt
deception and theft
I have nothing left

I was addicted to you (I am no longer yearning for your drug, Banish)
until your self shone through
crumble, perish, vapor, rust
everything turns into dust

Hurt me, don't let me feel.

Leave me, don't let me go.

Hold me, don't let it heal.

Hate me, don't let it show.

I'll raise my holly and carve in the sign
I will praise the earth and follow the time
the 25th day of this sacred time of year
I will roam the fields and Feed the souls
I will light a fire and help the sun
I will bury my apples when the time comes
I will await for my wind to blow my candle out
Then I will know this evil force is far far far away
Protect me from all harm
I praise to you and kiss your lips
To enter only the goodness of this earth
My heart will not allow the bad

Madam of the Raven Coven

SPEED BUMPS

I was just told that I blog like a song. What the hell does that mean? I am cracking up because a friend of mine has a blogger also (www.edwardjcarvalho.com) and I read his word for word on a daily basis and I will every now and then read an excerpt in reference to people's reactions to his postings. How he has had negative and positive feedback on them and I just don't understand how some people can be so close minded. As if none of them have ever kept a journal or had a diary. See the difference between them and I is that I don't care. I am not ashamed of my life. And I am most certainly not ashamed of my trials. I have been through a tremendous amount of things that any 27 year old woman should never have endured and it sickens me physically to think that I may be judged because I express my inner thoughts and beliefs. This is my therapy. It truly is. I mean lets just talk hypothetically. At 15, you were raped and noone believed you because Rape was a "unspeakable word". You then continue on with your life and you wind up in an abusive relationship, mother a child, buy a house, live like a puppet. At 4 am on a winter's night 2 men show up at your door with the papers to your home because the wonderful father of your child has now gambled your home away. But as nice as these pricks were to you, they allow you to "gather some items". So at 21, you are calling your family to come get you at 4:30 am with your infant and they ask why and all you can say is "He gambled the house away". You then need to go into a shelter because he has a hit out on you because you have left him and he knows where everyone you love lives and everyone has to act like they have no idea what has happened. You lose your job, your life. All you have for 8 months is your child whom you feel guilty towards because How could any mother bring her child up in a shelter. In a room shared by another family. How could you allow yourself to do this to this innocent baby? How would you ever be able to explain yourself. You endure all of the pain and all of the fights with other un educated and less fortunate women. You cannot call any of your friends. But at this point you have already lost close to all of your friends anyway because he has ruined every relationship you have ever had. But you always seemed to keep your head up. You get an apartment and finally get back together. You get a job and you start to do very well. You meet the man of your dreams and you fall desperately in love with him. You are so unbelievably happy for 3 whole years and suddenly you realize the man you are in love with is not him. He is living a completely different life underneath your nose and has lied about everything that has ever come out of his mouth and you then learn that he will be going to jail for a very long time for racketeering and drug trafficking. I mean it will feel like a re enactment of a horrific life you lived 5 years prior with your child's father and you just can't imagine that "GOD" could allow this to happen. You watch a family member dying of the most heinous disease of all time CANCER and you watch them suffering and you just want to take it all away. This is all happening. You watch this person take their last breath, you constantly live with the pain of raising a child alone, you lose everything, have to live in a dirty, drug ridden, welfare like shelter to protect yourself, you think your life is ok now and BLAM right the fuck in your stomach. It's like God is finding it humorous and takes away a family member and you are down and out again. Take all of this in hypothetically speaking and then ask yourself, are you a bad person? Did you really deserve this? Do you really believe in a God or a higher power? Do you think for a minute you could have prevented any of this from 16 years old until now? I doubt it. Now I ask you this. Would you handle it in a way like this? Would you allow people to read your life story? Maybe not. Maybe you would because you aren't afraid anymore. You are no longer ashamed. You feel like you are powerless over the past but you are in complete control of your future. You don't care anymore who hates you or who loves you. You already know who loves you and that is all that matters now. The days of worrying about the he said she said he/she hates you are permanently over. You are now proud of what you have become alone.. with no help. You have made a life for your child and for yourself that is better than you have ever even wanted. Now I ask you this. Do you regret anything? You probably regret some of your choices but I will tell you this. I regret a lot of my choices but I am still standing strong and still have my baby and I have my house again and I have the love of many people close at heart and I am now stronger than I ever was.
My point or my moral is... I don't care what anyone thinks of me. Maybe I should keep it to myself... Maybe I shouldn't. I take things One Day at a time and one Blog at a time. If I don't want people to read something then I block it. But writing has always been an escape for me. IT has always been medicine for my wounds and it has never failed me. IT does not talk back to me nor offer advise or criticism. If you do not like what you read, then keep it to yourself. Better yet, take a notebook and write your feelings down on paper. You will feel a lot better. Trust me.
I don't want nor invite negativity in my life.
I want to be free and I am. I am free to do whatever I want. I am financially stable and financially capable to do such. I am fine and strong and stable and although there will always be speed bumps and rocky roads during my life... I will always have a spare tire in the trunk and I will always have a high enough car to handle the bumps and to get me over them.

VOID

Well last night will be a night I will always remember.
I went out to eat with the family and then was interrupted by a phone call and excused myself from the table. It was a man on the other end and he simply said "Who are you having dinner with? And who is the man to your right?" I said I am having dinner with my family and the man t my right is my uncle. Who the fuck are you? He then continued to tell me that my presence at the Clubhouse has been requested as soon as possible. And then I knew. It was definitely time to go.
I grabbed my purse kissed everyone goodbye and was so excited going to my truck. I immediately called my H and said "What was that about?. and he said well you told me that you dreaded going to this dinner and I figured I would rescue you. I thought that was sweet of him and then told him I only dreaded it because I was feeling ill. And he said well get your ass to the clubhouse and you will feel better before you know it. When I got there It was busy and everyone was drinking and watching American Choppers and then someone put on Easy Riders and we watched that. Then we decided to visit the FW Club and we went there and partied the night away. I saw my favorite Leo there and we just had such a good time. At about 2:00 am We decided to take one last ride to the Wid Club and just continued there and had even more fun. Then it was really chilly and Thank God I live a stone throw away from the W Club because I was not riding for a long time with that freezing air. I as usual was the only girl and every single time that happens I am so spoiled. Especially since I am H's Lady because he is high up. So They spoil me to get on his good graces. I had a blast, spent no money and still got a great buzz and had alot of nice presents. I was talking to my friend Renae earlier and I was explaining my thoughts of my "relationship" with H and she said that she thinks I am only using him to fill my void. And it's funny because my friend Chrissy thinks that that is what I am doing to. I don't know though. It is weird because when I am with him I am always happy. He goes out of his way to make me happy. He includes me in a lot of things that he does and not all of his brothers do that. I feel important but I also feel as though I have alot of babysitters around me at all times and I feel as though I am dating the entire group. I don't know. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am just trying to fill this void that I have in my heart. But isnt that what I was foing with Brian? Filling the void that Billy gave me when he left? I mean what is going to happen now? Won't I always just be filling a void for someone? Who knows. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?

Kathleen's 30th Birthday

I am on my way to meet the wonderful family for dinner and drinks because it is my sisters birthday today. She is 30 years old. Although we never get to do this family thing as much as I would like, I am feeling nauseaus and sick still and should just stay home and get some rest. I wish I still had insurance so I could go to the Doctors. What an idiot I am. I definitely need an antibiotic of some kind. At any rate, maybe getting out into the fresh air and doing something will make me feel better. I just spent so much money online today. I bought this painting for my living room from the Pottery Barn and then I bought a pair of earrings from Tiffany's. I need to stop. ha ha. But then I feel better whenever I buy something for myself so I keep doing it. IT is like my therapy. See, some people will pick up a bowl of fattening foods and sit on the couch. I would rather spend money and get nice things. Call me a snob. I don't care. I work hard for my money. Well eh hum... I worked hard for my money. I deserve to be a princess. Don't you think I have suffered enough? I need my prince to divorce his wife and take me away from all of this drama. hahaha No seriously.. Things are looking better for me. I am going for the last of the job interviews and I am excited about it. It is Friday afternoon. Hopefully my flight will not be delayed. I should be arriving backn in Boston by 11:00 am. I am so dreading this trip to Tampa. I wish to God it was a pleasure trip. But sitting in a courtroom with the cold I have right now is not at all pleasure like. I am completely miserable.
Well it is time for me to go to meet the family. Talk to you soon

Falling Forever..

I have finally come to the realization that I am never going to fall out of love with Brian ever... It is just too hard for me. So what.. Am I now going to sacrifice my life to him? What am I supposed to do. I cannot turn my back on my feelings. It would not be fair to anyone I am involved with let alone myself. Why is this so tough for me?
I am sitting here straightening my spiraly curly hair and I am agonizing over this issue. I am applying my make up and still thinking about it. When I go to bed at night, I am thinking about him and when I wake up in the morning I habitually turn over to see if he is next to me.... But he is not. I am so confused. Lord knows I love him immensely but I just cannot do this to myself. Not anymore anyway. I don't know where or when I grew my balls but I did man. I talked to my friend ANthony today and he really set me straight. He told me that although I am constantly stressing how I want a normal life with a husband and a handful of kids that deep down I want the wild life. I want a man who is so unpredictable and whom will never commit therefore leading me to want to commit and hence the challenges I place before myself. I argued with him for a quick minute and realized Jesus, he is so right. I surround myself with men who walk that fine line on the wild side. Men who will never commit to me and who will just string me along and have me play the game with them. WHY??? Why am I like this?
I seriously do dream about that husband and kids and the house and the good life. I mean do not get me wrong. I live a great life. I do well for myself and my man takes real good care of me... I am a spoiled brat but Honestly.. maybe that saying is true... Money can't buy you love or fulfillment. hmmmmm Gives me something to think about tonight as I am gallavanting on the back of a bike and throwing tequila down my neck..,.... YEah it does!

LUCKY # 7

It is the 7th game and this is going to be a wild one. I should have taken the road trip to NYC with the boys but I decided to stay home and get better. This cold just will not go away. It is awful. I had a great night sleep last night and I intend on having a good one tonight also. I really need to get myself on a better schedule especially if I do take this job. The hours will be earlier than ususal but I get out earlier too. I stayed in the house today and nursed my cold and then Izzabee came over and helped me clean. My place looks so good now. I have been doing alot of Fall cleaning. Getting ready for Christmas. I was going through one of Hannah's toybox's and I was so annoyed. 50% of the toys in the toy box were not even out of the original boxes. I was floored. I could not believe it. I mean the money I spent last Christmas alone on some of this shit and NOT TO MENTION the birthday gifts from April... Some were still in the gift bags. I am so not kidding. So I am either A) going to rewrap them from Santa or B) give them to a shelter. I have a ton of clothes from last winter all top of the line of course that I have set aside for the Single Mother's Shelter and I think I am just going to send a bag of her toys along with it. I like to do that. It makes me feel good about myself. Especially since I was in a shelter like that for some time because of my wonderful ex... and I received help from alot of people and I like knowing how far I have come and I like to help the other battered mothers or even if I can make a child smile. So I just made my decision. Why re wrap when she is never going to play with it. I will give it away. Which reminds me.... Umm Christmas is 2 months a way which means my BIRTHDAY is only 1 month away... Woo Hoo. I call it my Birthmonth. Not day. I get a whole month. All Hallow's Eve is in 14 days... ooooohhhh boy. Chrissy's birthday is in 6 days and I have no idea what I am going to get her. I am wigging out. She always spoils me and I just have to spoil her for once. I have no idea what I am going to do. Maybe take her out to dinner and give her money towards the coach bag she wants. Or whatever... We'll see. When I get to the mall I will figure it out. I know what she likes. She is just like me. We have identical taste. At any rate, it is 8:14pm and the Red Sox game starts in 4 minutes... Ga grab my tea and my blanket and plop myself on the couch and wait for my man to stumble in. haha He said he would be in early! I highly doubt it but then again he is getting old. hahah
Talk to everyone soon.
Love,
Katie

Così lo ho avuto. Sono completamente ammalato e stancato fuori di tutta questa merda del toro. Ha senso andato troppo lontano ma sto andando concluderlo tutto ora. Ci saranno nient'altro parleranno dei postings ritardati interi di questo Web site più. Così sta aggravando. Sono felice noi che tutti possono usare questa cosa di traduzione. Questo senso che posso scrivere senza chiunque gli che prende il senso errato. Ringrazi La Qualità. In ogni modo. Sono andato su quell'intervista ed ha sembrato andare realmente bene. Hanno esaminato la miei battitura a macchina ed il mio manierismo del telefono. Hanno camminato me attraverso il loro software di contabilità. Lo hanno mostrato che il alot delle corde finora e di esso sembra come posso avere una probabilità. Il proprietario dell'azienda lo pensa sono divertente e sempre si siede dentro e lo guarda lavorare. Lo ha detto ha un'abilità per il campo della costruzione ed ho mio senso con le parole. Non quello che è tutta la sorpresa. Sto cucinando stasera il pranzo per Liz e Wim e HAnnah. Già ho iniziato oggi la salsa a 3 pm. Sto facendo un buon pranzo italiano mmmm che è necessario bene dopo le settimane ho avuto e le mie diete con poche calorie. Posso splurge per un minuto rapido. Sarò eccitato domani circa la mia riunione e lo conosco mai non sto andando ottenere stasera tutto il sonno. Sto sperando il tè che di erbe ho fatto questa mattina sono abbastanza potente chiudere stasera i miei occhi successivamente. Chiacchiererà più tardi con tutto. I miei rulli sono pronti ad essere messo nel forno. Colloquio a voi più successivamente. Amore,
Rubino

Italian Style

Non avete idea quanto avversione Jennifer di scopata di I. È mai la regina di dramma più grande da camminare la faccia di questa terra. Devo sottopong il mio Web site personale per scrivere tutto in italiano perché il dio pribisce alla femmina ottiene insultato o ottiene l'impressione errata. È unbelievable. È così divertente. Lo ha denominato 12 volte sul telefono oggi ed a sinistra messaggi ridiculous. È da controllo. È reparto di wonder dei servizi sociali gli è stato invitato. È un tal perdente. Jen, li odio seriamente ed avete tutto che stia venendo a voi e più e li è meritati bene whore.
Amore,
Rubino

As I sit waiting to go into my interview...I wanna scream. **BLOG BLOCKED FOR AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY** You need to be careful about the people you surround yourself with. They are not truly your friends. They would kick you right when you are down. Just do me a favor and trust me on that.
Have to go
Katie

Soap Opera Central

That is a great post. Wow
It is so funny how things get so brewed up. I am so sick and tired of this all. I thought it would all end but no, it has not. I remember reading my friend Ed's blogger and how he said he really is going to tone down a bit on what he says because people are walking up to him who he has never met and offering him words of advise and they know everything about him and it was just really freaky to him. At that particular time I had no idea what he meant by that. I myself enjoyed reading his daily entries and I felt like I knew him (www.edwardjcarvalho.com). He is a good friend of mine and I guess it is different when you already know the person. I can actually say that this whole soap opera that is premiering in my life right now very well could be a blessing. If people are appalled now... What the hell are they going to do when my book comes out? Dear Goddess, I am a little bit uneasy now. The things that have been endured by all involved is ridiculous. HE said she said, I said, you said, It is incredible what it can do to a single person. I myself have chosen to continue my blogger but Edit it and Block most things due to the fact that they are intimate things and they are how I feel but most of the people reading them lately are people who just want to hurt me and spread lies and take minor postings and turn them into these recreated stories and fairy tales. I just spoke to a woman who is and is not involved in this drama. I just cannot believe that so many people are getting themselves all worked up over my life. It is a compliment to me in so many ways but it is really making me very uncomfortable. That is why you may see alot of BLOCKED BLOGS. Due to the fact that initially, the site was for people I knew. It is a private site and not public. I made the silly mistake of giving it to a woman who I thought was my friend but was not. And now there is the slander law suit and the deformation of character I am debating, but you know what the sad part is? There is nothing I can really do about it. It is so far out of my hands that it is pathetic. The proof is in the pudding and believe me when I tell you, there is plenty of pudding being served starting today.
I just wish it would all go away. Maybe doing this web site thing was a very bad isea. MAybe I exploited myself in ways I should not have. Maybe this is all of my own fault and noone elses. Rest assured though that my blogs will be very boring to the public eye. And you know whom you can thank for that.
I have to go jump in the shower. I have that second interview at 2 pm today. I cannot wait because the other one went so well. I am meeting with the publisher of my book at 9 am tomorrow morning. HE wants to read what I have so far and give his nod so to speak. I cannot wait for his reaction. Only one other person has read the draft and they had no words for me except "wow" so I took that as a compliment. Wish me well on the interview.
Talk to everyone soon
Katie

GOSSIP

Ever see that movie "Gossip"? IT was about that group of "friends" who were given a project to start a rumor and see how fast it spreads and see how warped it gets by the end of the "phone chain" so to speak? And there is this one girl who sits back and watches how everyone's lives unfurl and fall apart. Let's just speak hypothetically here. Jenna is this woman's name. Well she starts a rumor about a girl named Jade and says that she was kicked out of a party for fist fighting. Well Jenna tells Carla who tells Naomi, who tells Raquel who then proceeds to tell Jade's sister Anna that Jade was in a physical fist fight, was handcuffed by the police and was banned from the alleged establishment. When all along the first rumor was that Jade had been asked to leave the bar and there was never any physical fight. Maybe words perhaps and that was all. Well Jade is the mastermind of all kinds of things including words. She is a seductress of vocabulary and she will turn that hypothetical Rumor into a vicious cycle of he said she said in an effort to prove her point. She did not get barred, nor did she fist fight anyone so now the phone chain has to pay for their vicious lies and their vicious slander. So What does Jade do you may ask? Well watch the movie Gossip and find out. The first 3 acts have been filmed already over the last 2 weeks. Let's see if Jade will have her curtain call after all.

And some still ask why I am so devilish.....

My foundation was robbed. Tried and True went right out the door. My departures were old. I stood in the room. She came wearing my boots and helmet. At that particular time love had challenged me to stay. At that particular moment I knew not to run away. At that particular month I knew I would win this game.
We thought a break would be good. For 4 months we sat and vacillated. We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding. At that particular time Love encouraged me to wait. At that particular moment it helped me to be patient, and that particular month we needed time to marinate what "us" meant.
I've always wanted for you what you wanted for yourself. And yet I wanted to save us .. I wanted your help. I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt and in the mean time I lost myself.. I am sorry I lost myself. I am.
You knew you needed more time. Time spent alone with no distraction. You felt you needed to fly so low and high to define what you wanted. Well love encouraged me to leave at that time. I am letting you desert me. That particular month was harder than you believe.. but tell me why the fuck she was in my Prada boots and the helmet you bought for me? Oh and I hope you don’t mind my wiping the floor with her face.

What a wonderful day!

It is only 7:39 pm and I know I could be jinxing myself by saying this..but Today was awesome from beginning until now.
My handsome man's birthday was today and he surprised me by coming by and taking me on the longest and the best motorcycle ride ever! We just rode and rode and rode...... IT was awesome. Then we stopped and grabbed a bite to eat and then he had to leave quite quickly actually and I never even got a chance to give him his present... :( Oh well he will get it later when he comes back. Business. He doesn't want to admit that it is his birthday and has no intention on celebrating. He seems to think he is getting too old. If anyone has ever seen my man you would say he is a BIG MAN with a baby face. HE is so awesome. He can pick me up with one arm of his. He looks so hot too puling up on his Harley. It makes me crazy....mmmmmmm. Hannah and I spent quality time together too today. IT was fun actually. We played school and then we went for a walk and stopped by Uncle Ziggy's house to see the kids and to see Auntie Renie. She was so excited to see everyone. She had alot of fun. We both did actually. I hate Walmart. Oh my God did I just say that? Me???? No seriously I dropped my 4 cameras off on Friday and they still are not ready. I don't get it! I am pissed. I cannot wait to see these cameras. I am a little bit scared and I am going to make sure I review all photos in private before anyone else gets a hold of them. Goddess only knows what the hell was taken and who the photographers were.
Anyway. My very best friend is on her way home from Vermont and I am so excited. Sickening huh? I was so lost without her this whole weekend. Last night I had such a good time though! Chrissy, Dennis, Stephen, Tracy, Seesta, Tina T, Hootie, Jessie, and Willy were all out raising hell as usual. We had so much fun. Then we met up with Wiggles and I had even more fun... and the rest is history. Oh my God! Then Chrissy yells to her brother drunkenly... "Hey Stephen, KAtie wants to bang you?" and his girlfriend was right there. OH MY GOD! so he says "Well, WHen?" I was mortified.... MORTIFIED. I wanted to kill her. hhhahaha Of course I was in the bathroom later on thanking her. ahhaha . But the night was just a night of non stop laughing and just having real fun. I love when I am with them because they are the most real people ever. They just always have such a good time. And I love Chrissy. Chrissy and I are like identical twins personality speaking. We are the same person. IT is scary sometimes. I got home very very very late last night and had a very special visitor late night.
That's my story and I am sticking to it.
Liz is calling me FINALLY... I have to go fill her in on my weekend and hear all about hers.
Ciao'

To my Angel Baby, Hannah Emily! I LOVE YOU WHOLE SKIES AND MOONS

To: Hannah Emily
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I
see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what
you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry,
and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in
the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone
and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when
you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what
you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have
made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake
cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a
Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about
how you were born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favorite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray,
I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for
their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are
visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and
fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer
senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day...

Love Forever,
Mommy xo

PLEASE LADY, BLESS ME WITH HAPPY SLEEP

GOOD NIGHT GODDESS.
PLEASE HEAVY MY EYES AND SAND THEM DEEP.
PRAY THE MOON MY SOUL WILL KEEP.
WATER THE TREES INVISIBLE MIST
AND BAD THOUGHTS AND DREAMS PLEASE DEAM THEM MISSED.
I ASK OF YOU ONLY ONE THING,
THAT HANNAH RECEIVES THE SAME THING.
I HAIL TO YOU ON EVERY MOON
THAT I WILL ENDURE MY SLEEP SOON.
GAZE OVER MY MOM, SISTERS AND KIN
MY NIECE AND NEPHEWS FLARE ONTO THEIR SKIN
THE GOODNESS OF YOU AND THE EYE OF THE BEAR
RELEASE THEM FROM HARM, PROTECT THEM FROM FEAR
SEND TO ME YOUR BLESSINGS AND ALL OF YOUR LOVE
WATCH CAREFULLY OVER THE ONES WHOM I LOVE
KEEP SACRED MY LOVED ONES AND WATCH AS I DO
KEEP ME CLOSE TO YOUR HEART AS I DO WITH YOU.
MERRY PARTING

I cannot sleep............ SURPRISE SURPRISE. And eveytime I finally fall asleep I awake with the exact terrifying nightmare. It is of my father and I see him clear as day like he is really in my room sitting on my bed. In my dream (it sounds weird I know) but in my dream I am asleep and my father is at the end of my bed tugging my foot telling me it's time to get up. When I wake inmy dream he looks at me and says "Why do you want to come with me so bad? Why do they keep sending me down here?" and I say "Hi daddy, I don't know what you mean" and he just touches my cheek and fades away and I wake up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THAT DREAM?? What does that mean? I don't understand. But everyytime I awaken from this nightmare (even though it was not really a scary thing cuz my dad was there) but I wake up and I am soaking wet with sweat. AM I going to die soon? Is that what that means? Is my dad trying to warn me or something? It is seriously freaking out. When I tell you that this has been my dream for like 5 nights in a row.. I am serious. I can still see my father's face. The weird part about that is that a few weeks before my dad died, he aged like 20 years it looked like. Well when he is in my dreams he is young and healthy again and looks fit and strong again. I just don't understand that. I don't know I am rambling and it is 4:56 am and I just want to go to sleep. My eyes are so incredibly heavy and I am starting to feel physically sick. Ahhhh..
Let's try sleep again.

I

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied by The Heavens?
My Tourniquet?

Holding my last breath

hold on to me love
you know I can't stay long
all I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid
can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

I’ll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

closing your eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black

Take me away from me

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things that I have achieved
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
Away from this place I've made
Won’t you take me away from me?
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live...

To: AMG

My Dear love, haven't you wanted to be with me
My sweet love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand
We’re leaving here tonight
There’s no need to tell anyone
They’d only hold us down
So by the morning light
We’ll be halfway to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name
I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let’s run away I'll take you there
Forget this life
Come with me
Don’t look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart

LIES

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again
You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above
They’ll never see
I'll never be
I struggle on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me
But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree
Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you.





To Anthony …again

OUT OF CONTROL

now i will tell you what i've done for you
50 thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under